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History and Records of the Elephant Club

<ANTIMG src="images/illus012.jpg" alt="heading" /> [Pg 35] Put out the light, and then put.—Shakspeare. THE evening arrived on which the gentlemen, named in the last chapter, were to meet in the room of Mr. John Spout.[Pg 36] Mr. Spout was there, awaiting the arrival of his friends. He was seated <ANTIMG src="images/illus014.jpg" alt="table" /> at the end of a table, in a large easy-chair, in his dressing-gown. Before him, on the table, were several written papers. The apartment was one of moderate dimensions, neatly carpeted, and, with plenty of furniture, unobjectionable in quality and taste. On the walls were suspended various pictures, engravings, fencing-foils, and masks, boxing-gloves, antique models, Indian ornaments, plaster casts of legs, arms, hands, feet, &c. On either side of the table were two chairs, placed there, evidently, in anticipation of the arrival of his friends. Several pipe-stems protruded from a pasteboard box, which was on the table. It required no unusual shrewdness to guess at the contents, and to rightly determine that it was filled with the best-abused, and, at the same time, best-used weed known. One by one, the other gentlemen arrived, and were ushered by the housekeeper into Mr. Spout's apartment. They sat, engaged in discussing tobacco and the events of the day. At length, Mr. Dropper inquired of Mr. Spout if he had as yet fully elaborated the idea which, on the occasion of the previous meeting, had seemed to weigh so heavily on his mind? "I was about to advert to the subject," said Mr.[Pg 37] Spout. "It has engaged my undivided attention up to the present time, and the idea and plan based upon it are sufficiently perfected to satisfy myself." "Trot it out," said Boggs, "we are all attention." "The fact, gentlemen," said Spout, "that most of our number have been either absent from the city, or so much engaged in our different vocations that we have never gained, or have lost, familiarity with many interesting phases of life, as it exists in New York, suggested to me the thought of devoting some portion of our time to looking about, and having put our observations in writing, to interchange them for our mutual gratification." "A capital idea," said Mr. Dusenbury Quackenbush. "Brilliant with pleasurable results," remarked Mr. Myndert Van Dam. "Replete with rational enjoyment," suggested Mr. Remington Dropper. "I'm in," was the laconic response of Mr. James George Boggs. "Then I suppose I can count upon your coöperation in the realization of the idea," said Spout. A general affirmative answer being given, Mr. Spout continued. "You being unanimous," said he, "I'll now pro[Pg 38]ceed to unfold my plans. To secure unanimity of action and entire success, it is necessary that we have a plan of organization. But in thinking upon this subject, I have foreseen that, by the adoption of any of the ordinary plans, we saddle ourselves with a useless machinery, which will hinder the successful accomplishment of the object we desire. We have no time to spare in discussing rules of order, the adoption of which invariably makes disorder the rule. Yet, there must be a head. In brief, then, gentlemen, I propose that the principles upon which our meetings shall be governed, shall be a despotic principle, but one which shall be compatible with the largest liberty of the governed. How do you like the idea?" "The idea looks paradoxical to me," said Van Dam. "Rather profound," suggested Quackenbush. "Funny," said Boggs. "I can tell better when I hear the rules," said Dropper. "I have them prepared," continued Spout. "Shall I read them to you?" "By all means," replied Van Dam. The others signified an affirmative response. Mr. Spout then proceeded to read:[Pg 39]— "We, whose signatures are hereunto affixed, do hereby organize ourselves into a club, having for its NAME, The Elephant Club, and having in view the following OBJECTS: 1. The enjoyment and amusement of its members through. 2. A profound study of the Metropolitan Elephant, by surveying him in all his majesty of proportion, by tracing him to his secret haunts, and observing his habits, both in his wild and domestic state. OFFICER. The only officer of the club shall be a Higholdboy, whose DUTY It shall be to sit in a big chair, at the end of the table, and to see that the members conform to the following RULES OF CONDUCT: 1. In the meetings of the club, every member shall do exactly as he pleases.[Pg 40] 2. Each member shall speak when he pleases, what he pleases, and as long as he pleases. N.B.—If the remarks of any member are particularly stupid or tedious, the other members are under no obligations to remain and hear them. N. particular B. Should the speaker, at the conclusion of his remarks, find himself in the presence of only a part of his original audience, and some of those asleep; he is at full liberty, for his private satisfaction, to conclude that his eloquence, like that of the traditional parsons, is not only moving and soothing, as evidenced by the absence of some and the somnolence of others, but so satisfactory that those who were awake will never care to hear him again. 3. No member shall be permitted to bring spirituous or fermented liquors, wine, beer, or cider, whether imported or domestic, into any of the meetings of the club, under the penalty of passing them around for general use; unless the member prefers to keep them to himself, from motives of economy—the economy in such case to be regarded as an offence, to be punished with a severe letting alone. 4. The third rule shall apply to cigars, cheroots, and cigaretts.[Pg 41] 5. Ditto—ditto—sardines, Bologna sausages, crackers and cheese. 6. Members are prohibited from sitting with their feet on the table, unless in that position they sit with more comfort, or they have other reasons satisfactory to themselves. N.B.—The Higholdboy, in consideration of his onerous duties, is exempted from the action of this rule. 7. The Higholdboy is empowered to reprimand any member, when he considers it necessary to preserve the dignity of the club. N. special and particular B. In order that this rule shall not operate prejudicially to the sovereign rights of individuals, the members of the club are at liberty to treat the reprimand of the Higholdboy as a good joke. 8. Any member who shall be absent from any meeting of the club, shall be liable to stand a half-dozen on the half shell for each of his fellow-members, unless he gives no previous notice to the club, or any member thereof, of his prospective absence. Such notice, which he fails to give, to be either verbal or written, at his own option. 9. These foregoing rules shall in all cases be construed strictly, they shall never be repealed or[Pg 42] amended; and shall be of binding force, except as hereinafter provided in the ORDER OF BUSINESS. 1. The Higholdboy shall announce the suspension of all rules for three months. At the conclusion, Mr. Spout, in a solemn tone, addressed the party. "Gentleman," said he, "I am aware that the rules, which I have prepared and submitted, are stringent in the extreme, but I think they will be found, on examination, to be no more so than is essential to secure that unanimity of action so indispensable to the accomplishment of any great end. Believing, then, that you fully appreciate the importance of the end we have in view, I trust they will meet with your approval. Gentlemen, I give way to others." Mr. Spout took his seat, amid manifestations of the approval of his associates. Mr. Boggs was the first to speak on the subject of the rules. "Gentlemen," said he, "unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, and overpowered as I feel at the present moment, I should do injustice to my own[Pg 43] feelings, did I fail to endorse the excellence of the rules reported by my friend Spout, and to give my unqualified adhesion, in accordance with the spirit which pervades them." <ANTIMG src="images/illus015.jpg" alt="oldboy" /> Mr. Dropper said that he had but one fault to find. He was by nature fond of resisting all rules, the idea of which he had always associated with a restriction of individual liberty. The rules proposed by Mr. Spout contemplated no restriction. They were so nice an adjustment of the relations between the governor and the governed that he could not find it in his heart to resist them. Hence he would be debarred his usual gratification of combatting them. Still he was willing to give them a trial. Mr. Quackenbush liked the rules very much, as he thought it was coming down to first principles. Mr. Van Dam said that, so far as he was con[Pg 44]cerned, the matter was all right; if it wasn't, "he'd make it right." An inquiry was made as to who would fill the office of the Higholdboy. Mr. Spout replied. He said that their club was an anomaly. It differed in its features from any organization which had ever been made. He thought that its individual peculiarities should be kept up in the matter of the election of its presiding officers. He was in favor of self-elevation to the position, and of letting the voluntary acquiescence of the members measure the duration of individuals' tenure of office—in other words, when they got tired of him, leave him to preside over a meeting composed of himself and the furniture. "Now, gentlemen," concluded Mr. Spout, "who wants to be a Higholdboy? Don't all speak at once." Van Dam looked at Boggs; Boggs glanced at Dropper; Dropper eyed Quackenbush, and Quackenbush turned his eyes upon Spout. "No one speaks," said Spout, "which leads me to believe that no one desires the position unless it be myself, which I confess, gentlemen, is true. Gentlemen, I declare myself duly elevated and installed into the office of Higholdboy of the Elephant Club, and when you survey my proportions, and look at[Pg 45] the size of that chair, I am satisfied you will concede that I am well adapted to fill it. In conclusion, gentlemen, I ask of you your coöperation in forwarding the aims and purposes of this club. Mr. Boggs, will you pass me the tobacco-box?" "Certainly," said Boggs, as he passed the box, "and allow me to congratulate your constituency in having elevated you to so responsible a position." "A very respectable constituency of one—Spout," said Mr. Quackenbush. "But it is very funny, isn't it?" said he. "It's a go," said Dropper. Mr. Van Dam was very glad that he wasn't the lucky man, as he had such an abhorrence of responsibility. The question of the time and place of meetings was the next subject discussed. It was finally agreed to leave that matter for future consideration. "Gentlemen," said Spout, "I have assumed a responsibility, in anticipation of my attaining the Higholdboyship of this club. In this, perhaps, my course will not meet with your full approval; the nature of the step you will be apprised of in the room below. Will you accompany me?" The party assented, wondering what further surprise was to greet them. They entered a rear parlor[Pg 46] on the first floor, where an excellent dinner was waiting them, got up at the expense of Mr. John Spout, Higholdboy of the Elephant Club. <ANTIMG src="images/illus017.jpg" alt="dinner" /> A good dinner is an excellent ending for any thing—even a chapter. <hr style="width: 65%;" /> </div>

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