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Life and Death of Doctor Faustus Made into a Farce

<h3>The LIFE and DEATH of Doctor Faustus Made into a FARCE</h3> <h2> By Mr. MOUNTFORD.</h2> <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <h2>ACT I. SCENE I.</h2> Dr. Faustus seated in his Chair, and reading in his Study. Good and bad Angel ready. Faust. Settle thy Study, Faustus, and begin To sound the Depth of that thou wilt profess; These Metaphysicks of Magicians, And Negromantick Books, are heav'nly Lines, Circles, Letters, Characters, Ay, these are those that Faustus most desires; A sound Magician is a Demi-God: Here tire my Brains to get a Deity. Mephostopholis under the Stage. A good and bad Angel fly down. Good Ang. O Faustus! lay that damn'd Book aside; And gaze not on it, lest it tempt thy heart to blasphemy. Bad Ang. Go forward, Faustus, in that famous Art Wherein all Natures Treasure is contain'd: Be thou on Earth as Jove is in the Sky, Lord and Commander of these Elements. Spirits ascend. Faust. How am I glutted with conceit of this? Shall I make Spirits fetch me what I please? I'll have 'em fly to India for Gold, [2]Ransack the Ocean for Orient Pearl. I'll have 'em Wall all Germany with Brass: I'll levy Soldiers with the Coin they bring, And chase the Prince of Parma from our Land. [Rises. 'Tis now the Dead nigh Noon of Night, And Lucifer his Spirits freedom gives; I'll try if in this Circle I can Raise A Dæmon to inform me what I long for. Sint mihi Dii Acherontis propitii, Orientis Princeps, Beelzebub, German. Demogorgon. [Thunders. Mephostopholis, Mephostopholis, surgat Spiritus. Mephostopholis speaks under Ground. [Thunders. Meph. Faustus, I attend thy Will. Faust. Where art thou? Meph. Here. [a Flash of Light. Scar. within. Oh, oh, oh. Faust. What Noise is that? Hast thou any Companions with thee? Meph. No. Faust. It comes this way? Scar. Oh, oh, O——. [Enter Scaramouche. Faust. What ail'st thou? Scar. O' o' o' Faust. Speak, Fellow, what's the Matter? Scar. O poor Scaramouche! Faust. Speak, I conjure thee; or Acherontis Dii Demogorgon.—— Scar. O I beseech you Conjure no more, for I am frighted into a Diabetes already. Faust. Frighted at what? Scar. I have seen, Oh, oh—— Faust. What? Scar. The Devil. Faust. Art sure it was the Devil? Scar. The Devil, or the Devil's Companion: He had a Head like a Bulls, with Horns on; and two Eyes that glow'd like the Balls of a dark Lantern: His Hair stood a Tiptoe, like your new-fashion'd Top-knots; with a Mouth as large as a King's Beef Eater: His Nails was as sharp as a Welshman's in Passion; and he look'd as frightful as a Sergeant to an Alsatian. Faust. But why art thou afraid of the Devil? Scar. Why I never said my Prayers in all my Life, but once; and that was when my damn'd Wife was sick, that[3] she might dye: My Ears are as deaf to good Council, as French Dragoons are to Mercy. And my Conscience wants as much sweeping as a Cook's Chimny. And I have as many Sins to answer for as a Church-warden, or an Overseer of the Poor. Faust. Why, the Devil loves Sinners at his Heart. Scar. Does he so? Faust. He hates none, but the Vertuous, and the Godly. Such as Fast, and go to Church, and give Alms-deeds. Scar. I never saw a Church in my Life, thank God, (I mean the Devil;) and for Fasting, it was always my Abomination; and for Alms, I never gave any Thing in my Life, but the Itch once to a Pawn-broker. Therefore I hope he may Love me. Faust. And he shall Love thee; I'll bring thee acquainted with him. Scar. Acquainted with the Devil? Faust. Ay; Tanto metropontis Acherontis. Scar. Oh, oh, oh. Faust. Fear nothing Mephostopholis, be visible. [Scaramouche sinks behind the Doctor, and peeps his Head out behind the Slip of his Gown. A Devil rises in Thunder and Lightning. I charge thee to be gon, and change thy Shape; thou art too ugly to attend on me. I find there's Virtue in my Charm; Come, rise up, Fool, the Devil's gon. [The Devil sinks. Scar. The Devil go with him. Faust. Fear nothing, I command the Devil. If thou wilt leave thy Chimny-sweeping Trade, and live with me, thou shalt have Meat and Drink in Plenty; and 40 Crowns a Year shall be thy Wages; I'll make thee Learned in the black Art. Scar. I am a Student in that already: But let me consider, Good Meat and Drink, and 40 Crowns a Year. Then I'll change my black Art for yours. Faust. There's Earnest, thou art now my Servant; dispose of thy Brooms and Poles, they'll be useless to thee here; take this Key, go into my Study, and clean; take all the Books you find scatter'd about, and range 'em orderly upon the Shelves.[4] Scar. Happy Scaramouche, now may'st thou Swear, Lye, Steal, Drink and Whore; for thy Master is the Devil's Master, and thou in time may'st master 'em both. [Exit Scaram. Enter Mephostopholis. Meph. Now, Faustus, what wouldst thou have with me? Faust. I charge thee wait upon me whilst I live, And do what-ever Faustus shall command. Meph. Ay Faustus, so I will, if thou wilt purchase me of Lucifer. Faust. What says Lucifer, thy Lord? Meph. That I shall Wait on Faustus whilst he Lives, So thou wilt buy my Service with thy Blood. Faust. Already Faustus has hazarded that for thee. Meph. Ay, but thou must bequeath it solemnly, And write a Deed of Gift with it; For that Security craves Lucifer. If thou deny it, I must back to Hell. Bad Ang. But Faustus, if I shall have thy Soul, I'll be thy Slave, and worship thy Commands, And give thee more than thou hast Will of. Faust. If he wilt spare me Four and twenty Years, Letting me Live in all Voluptuousness, To have thee ever to attend on me, To give me whatsoever I shall ask, And tell me whatsoever I demand; On these Conditions I resign it to him. Meph. Then, Faustus stab thy Arm couragiously, And bind thy Soul, that at some certain Day Great Lucifer may claim it as his own; And then be thou as Great as Lucifer. Faust. Lo, Mephostopholis, for Love of thee, Faustus has cut His Arm, and with his proper Blood Assures his Soul to be great Lucifers. Meph. But, Faustus, write it in manner of a Deed, and Gift. Faust. Ay, so I do; but, Mephostopholis, my Blood congeals, and I can write no more. Meph. I'll fetch thee Fire to dissolve it streight. [Exit. Faust. What might the staying of my Blood portend, It is unwilling I should write this Bill. [5] Good and Bad Angel descend. Good An. Yet, Faustus, think upon thy precious Soul. Bad An. No, Faustus, think of Honour, and of Wealth. Faust. Of Wealth. Why all the Indies, Ganges, shall be mine. Good An. No, Faustus, everlasting Tortures shall be thine. Bad An. No, Faustus, everlasting Glory shall be thine. The World shall raise a Statue of thy Name, And on it write, This, this is he that could command the World. [Good Angel ascends, bad Angel descends. Faust. Command the World; Ay, Faustus, think on that, Why streams not then my Blood that I may write? Faustus gives to thee his Soul; Oh! there it stops. Why shouldst thou not? Is not thy Soul thy own? Enter Mephostopholis with a Chafer of Fire. Meph. See, Faustus, here is Fire, set it on. Faust. So now the Blood begins to clear again. Meph. What is't I would not do to obtain his Soul? Faust. Consummatum est; the Bill is ended. But what is this Inscription on my Arm? Homo fuge: Whether shall I fly? My Senses are deceiv'd, here's nothing writ; O yes, I see it plain, even here is writ Homo fuge; yet shall not Faustus fly, I'll call up something to delight his Mind. [Song. Mephostopholis waves his Wand. Enter several Devils, who present Crowns to Faustus, and after a Dance vanish. Faust. What means this then? Meph. 'Tis to delight thy Mind, and let thee see What Magick can perform. Faust. And may I raise such Spirits when I please. Meph. Ay, Faustus, and do greater Things than these. Faust. Then, Mephostopholis receive this Deed of Gift; But set Conditionally, that thou perform all Covenants and Articles herein subscribed. Meph. I swear by Hell, and Lucifer, to effect all Promises between us both. Faust. Then take it. Meph. Do you deliver it as your Deed, and Gift?[6] Faust. Ay, and the Devil do you good on't. Meph. So, now, Faustus, ask what thou wilt. Faust. Then let me have a Wife. Faustus waves his Wand, and a Woman Devil rises: Fire-works about whirles round, and sinks. Faust. What sight is this? Meph. Now, Faustus wilt thou have a Wife? Faust. Here's a hot Whore indeed, I'll have no Wife. Meph. Marriage is but a Ceremonial Toy; I'll cull thee out the fairest Curtezans, And bring 'em every Morning to thy Bed: She whom thy Eye shall like, thy Heart shall have. Faust. Then, Mephostopholis, let me behold the Famous Hellen, who was the Occasion of great Troys' Destruction. Meph. Faustus, thou shalt. [Waves his Wand, enters. Faust. O Mephostopholis! what would I give to gain a Kiss from off those lovely Lips. Meph. Faustus, thou may'st. [He kisses her. Faust. My Soul is fled; come Hellen, come, give me my Soul again; she's gon. [He goes to kiss her again, and she sinks. Meph. Women are shy you know at the first Sight; but come, Faustus, command me somewhat else. Faust. Then tell me, is Hell so terrible as Church-men write it. Meph. No, Faustus 'tis Glorious as the upper World; but that we have Night and Day, as you have here: Above there's no Night. Faust. Why sighs my Mephostopholis, I think Hell's a meer Fable. Meph. Ay, think so still. Faust. Tell me who made the World? Meph. I will not. Faust. Sweet Mephos. Meph. Move me no further. Faust. Villain, have I not bound thee to tell me any Thing. Meph. That's not against our Kingdom, this is: Thou art Lost; think thou of Hell. Faust. Think, Faustus, upon him that made the World. Meph. Remember this. [Sinks. Faust. Ay, go accursed Spirit to ugly Hell, 'Tis thou hast damn'd distressed Faustus Soul: [7] 'Tis thou hast damn'd distressed Faustus Soul: I will Repent: Ha! [Goes to his Books. This Bible's fast, but here's another: [They both fly out of's Hand, and a flaming Thing appears written, &c. Is't not too late? [Ring. Good and bad descend. Bad An. Too late. Good An. Never too late, if Faustus will repent. Bad An. Faustus, behold, behold thy Deed; if thou repent Devils will tear thee in Pieces. Good An. Repent, and they shall never raze thy Skin. [Scene shuts, Ang. ascends. Scene changes to the Street. Enter Harlequin. Harl. This must be Mr. Doctor's House; I'll make bold to knock: My Heart fails me already. [Harlequin opens the Door, peeps about, and shuts it. I begin to tremble at the Thoughts of seeing the Devil. [Knocks again. Here's a great Resort of Devils, the very Doors smell of Brimstone: I'll e'en back——No: I'll be a Man of Resolution: But if Mr. Doctor should send a Familiar to open the Door, in what language should I speak to the Devil? [Knocks. Enter Scaramouche. Scar. peeping. This is some malicious Spirit, that will not let me alone at my Study; but I'll go in, and conn my Book. [Exit. Harl. I believe Mr. Doctor is very Busy; but I'll rap this time with Authority. [Harlequin raps at the Door, Scaramouche peeps out. Harlequin strikes him, and jumps back, runs frighted off. Scene changes to a Room in the Doctor's House. Enter Scaramouche, with a Book in the Doctor's Gown. Scar. I have left the Door open to save the Devil the labour of Knocking, if he has a mind to come in: For I am resolved not to stir from my Book; I found it in the Doctor's Closet, and know it must contain Something of the Black Art. Enter Harlequin. Harl. Oh here's Mr. Doctor himself; he's reading some conjuring Book. Ide fain jecit.[8] Scar. This must be a conjuring Book by the hard Words. AB, EB, IB, OB, UB, BA, BO, BU, BI. Harl. Its a Child's Primer. [Harlequin looks over him. Scar. The Devil, the Devil; be gon, avoid Satan. [Runs off. Harl. O the Devil! Now will I lye as if I were Dead, and let the Devil go hunt for my Soul. [Lyes down. Enter Scaramouche. Scar. I have learn'd to raise the Devil, but how the Devil shall I do to lay him. Ha! what's here, a dead Body? The Devil assum'd this Body, and when I began to mutter my Prayers, he was in such haste he left his Carcass behind him. Ha! it stirs; no, 'twas but my Fancy. [Scaram. lifts up all his Limbs, and lets 'em fall, whil'st Harl. hits him on the Breech, lifts his Head, which falls gently. All's dead but's Head. [Sets him upright. The Devil, the Devil! Be gon; what art thou? Harl. A poor unfortunate Devil. Scar. The Devil; Avant then Hagon mogon strogon. Harl. O good Mr. Doctor, conjure up no more Devils and I'll be gon, or any thing.—I came only to ask your Black Artship a Question. Scar. No, this is not the Devil. Who art thou? Whence comest thou? What's thy Business, Quick, or Hogon strogon? Harl. Hold, hold, hold, I am poor Harlequin: By the Learned I am called Zane, by the Vulgar Jack Pudding. I was late Fool to a Mountebank; and last Night, in the mistaking the Pipkin, I eat up a Pot of Bolus instead of Hasty Pudding; and devour'd Three Yards of Diaculum Plaister instead of Pancake, for which my Master has turn'd me out of Doors instead of Wages: Therefore, to be reveng'd, I come to hire a Devil or two of you, Mr. Doctor, of a strong Constitution, that may swallow up his Turpentine Pills as fast as he makes 'em, that he may never cure poor Whore more of a Clap; and then he'll be undone, for they are his chief Patients. Scar. What Practice has he? Harl. Why his Business is to patch up rotten Whores against the Term for Country Lawyers, and Attorneys Clerks; and against Christmas, Easter and Whitsun Holidays, for City[9] Apprentices; and if his Pills be destroy'd, 'twill ruin him in one Term. Scar. Come in; and for a Crown a Week I'll lett thee out a Devil, as they do Horses at Livery, shall swallow him a Peck of Pills a day, though every one were as big as a Pumpkin; and make nothing of a Bolus for a Breakfast. Harl. O brave Mr. Doctor! O dainty Mr. Devil! Scar. Seigniora. [Here they Complement who shall go first. The End of the First Act. <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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