Back Aa

Bizarre

Close

<h2>LIGHT BREAKFAST</h2> "Henry dear," said Mrs. Brush gently, without raising her pretty head from the pillow, "it's nearly half-past eight." "What!" exclaimed her husband, sitting up vehemently and staring at the clock. "Where is Maria? She's supposed to be here by seven, isn't she?" "Perhaps she didn't come today." [Pg 156] "That good-for-nothing darky! I'll go and investigate." Plunging energetically into his bath-robe and slippers, he sallied forth on a tour of the apartment. No Maria sweeping in the hall; no Maria straightening up the living-room or library; no Maria dusting in the dining-room; no Maria preparing breakfast in the kitchen. "How provoking!" sighed Mrs. Brush. "Provoking? I call it outrageous." "Yes; I'm sorry, dear, that this will make you late to your office." "Oh, I'm not bothered about that, for I've just put through some new efficiency systems which enable me to accomplish a tremendous amount of work in a very short time. What I can't stand is having that darky impose on us." "But, dearest, maybe she's sick." "Then she could have sent us word by telephone. No; she's taking advantage of the fact that you are young and inexperienced. But she'll be sorry for it. I'll discharge her myself." "Now, please don't get excited, dear. If you[Pg 157] discharged her, it might be days and days before we could get another." "That wouldn't make any difference. We'd simply take our meals out. Except breakfast, of course. I'd get that." "You?" "Yes. We'll start this morning. If you'll attend to the dusting—later in the day, I mean—I'll bring you your coffee before you get up, just as you're used to having it." "But, Henry—" "It won't be any trouble at all. Nothing is, no matter how unfamiliar it may be to you, if you go at it intelligently, scientifically." When Mr. Brush was obsessed with an idea, it was useless to oppose him. The best policy was to let it take its course. "As I have often told you," he continued, "housekeeping could be greatly simplified if you women would only—" Seeing that he was about to launch into a homily on efficiency, such as she had heard him deliver at least twenty times in the three months she had been married to him, she said: "If you're going to get breakfast, hadn't you better hurry and take your bath?" [Pg 158] "That's so," he admitted. Shuffling briskly to the bathroom, he was soon foaming at the mouth with tooth-paste. There was a loud buzzing sound from the direction of the kitchen. "Henry!" called Mrs. Brush, "there goes the dumb-waiter. Shall I answer it?" "No; I'll ho," he replied pastily out of the corner of his mouth. Still busily agitating his tooth-brush, so as not to waste any time, he paddled to the dumb-waiter and called: "He'o! Whash you wa'?" "Garbage!" replied a gruff voice. A rattling of ropes announced that the car was on its way. Mr. Brush opened the "sanitary garbage closet," and, screwing up his face and tooth-brush, seized something that was mighty unlike a rose. He held the pail out at arm's-length as he carried it to the dumb-waiter. Buzz, buzz, buzz, went the buzzer. "Huh?" gurgled Mr. Brush, nervously swallowing a generous amount of tooth-paste. "Garbage!" repeated the voice. Mr. Brush looked helplessly at the can on[Pg 159] the dumb-waiter and then at his incapacitated hands. "Put your garbage on!" roared the voice. Mr. Brush sputtered; then, extracting the tooth-brush with the fourth and fifth knuckles of his left hand, he shouted back indignantly: "I 'id!" "Then why didn't you say so?" And down went the dumb-waiter with a jerk. Mr. Brush returned to the bathroom. As he was in the midst of shaving, the buzzer sounded again. This time he was on the alert and ready for any argument. Leaving his razor, but not his lather, he hurried back to the kitchen in a combative mood. "What do you want?" he yelled defiantly as he opened the door of the dumb-waiter. There was no answer; but facing him on the shelf of the car stood his empty pail, silent, stolid, indifferent to his bravado. He snatched it off and returned to his ablutions. On account of the extreme lateness of the hour, he decided to finish off with a quick shower-bath, first hot and then cold. Just as he removed his last garment, the buzzer sounded again. [Pg 160] "Aw, go ahead and buzz!" he said between his teeth. As he stepped into the hot downpour, the door-bell rang. "Whoever that is can wait." But apparently the person in question had no desire to do so, for the bell sounded again and again. To complete the symphony, the telephone chimed in with its merry tune. "Gwendolyn!" called Mr. Brush, distractedly amid the roar of waters. But she, having fallen into a pleasant doze while waiting for her breakfast, did not hear him. The bells and buzzer had by this time settled into a sustained chord like that of the whistles at New-year's. Bounding out of the tub to the mat, Mr. Brush wrapped his form, which still glistened with pearly drops, in his bath-robe, and slip slopped frigidly down the hall. "Hello!" he cried, snatching off the telephone-receiver. "No, this is not Schmittberger the butcher!" Then he darted to the front door. Opening it, he found the postman waiting with a letter. [Pg 161] "Two cents due, please." The buzzer continued its heavy droning, and the telephone started up again. "Two cents, two cents," repeated Mr. Brush in befuddlement. The postman stared. "Two cents; yes, two cents," reiterated Mr. Brush, groping immodestly for pockets where there were none. "You said that before." "Oh, excuse me! I'll get it right off. Now, where did I put that purse? Let me think." But thinking in the neighborhood of that telephone was an impossibility. He would have to quiet the thing. So, clapping the receiver to his ear, he protested, "Hello! hello!" "Will you kindly give me Schmittberger's butcher shop?" "Good grief!" he exclaimed, letting the receiver fall. It swung by its tail, pendulum-wise, barking infuriated clicks. Mr. Brush staggered to the bedroom. With reeling brain, he ransacked all his chiffonier drawers for the purse which was lying in plain view on top. By the time he had discovered[Pg 162] it and started back to the door, the buzzer in the kitchen was having delirium tremens. Floundering to the spot, he gasped: "What do you want?" "Ice!" was the husky reply. "All right, I'll send it down. No, I mean, you send it up." As the dumb-waiter rose, the temperature fell, and Mr. Brush soon found himself in the presence of a beautiful blue berg. With chattering teeth, he reached forward and drew it to him. The door of the dumb-waiter closed automatically, and he was left alone in the kitchen with the iceberg in his arms. How to open the ice-box was a problem. After attempting unsuccessfully to cajole the catch by fondling it with the corner of the berg, he tried nudging it with his elbow. It would not take the hint. Indeed, it refused utterly to move until he got down on his knees before it and rubbed it with his shoulder. Finally, however, the door opened, disclosing a rival berg, attended by a throng of bottles, siphons, and butter-crocks. A cold, inhospitable crowd they were, resenting any intrusion. [Pg 163] Thus rebuffed, Mr. Brush, who felt as though he were being frozen and cauterized at the same time, deposited the berg upon the cover of the wash-tubs. It coasted forward, threatening an avalanche. Clutching it at the brink, he paused, and wondered what he would do next. The door-bell saved him the trouble of deciding. He had entirely forgotten the postman! Setting the berg upon a chair, he scurried out, and offered him a dollar bill, chattering apologies for the delay. "Haven't you anything smaller?" asked the postman, impatiently. "N-no, I d-don't think so." "Then why did you keep me here all this time? I'll have to come back later." He started off. "Stop! Wait a moment! I'd rather make you a present of the ninety-eight cents. Oh, glory! that'll have to be gone through with all over again!" Discouraged and shivering, he leaned against the side of the doorway. In so doing, his eye fell upon a collection of objects that had been deposited in front of the sill—the[Pg 164] morning newspaper, a bottle of milk, one of cream, and a bag containing a long loaf of bread. He stooped over and gathered them up carefully one by one. Just as he had stowed away the newspaper under one arm and gripped the bag with his left hand and the two bottles with his right, the chilliness in him culminated in a sneeze, and everything fell. Both bottles smashed. Landing just on the sill, they distributed their contents impartially outside and inside. Finding that the proportion of the flood that the bread and the newspaper were able to sop up was small, though they did what they could, Mr. Brush hastily procured a bucket and rag from the kitchen, where the ice was indulging in a flood of its own, and set to work mopping. As he sprawled out into the hallway, gingerly squeezing out ragfuls of cream and broken glass, the door opposite was opened and a handsome woman appeared, attired in fashionable street dress. She looked him straight in the eye. Mr. Brush clasped his bath-robe to him, made a frenzied recoil, slammed the door, and collapsed into the pool of milk. [Pg 165] "Henry dear, is breakfast nearly ready?" called his loving wife. Enraged and dripping, he leaped up with sudden strength, and started for the bedroom, spluttering incoherent expostulations as he went. At that moment there was heard the sound of a latch-key, and a grinning black face appeared. "Good mawnin', sah. Somefin' seems to be spilt heah." Fetching a large cloth, she set to work with easy dexterity. Mr. Brush, fascinated, watched the lake disappear. "You bes' get dress', sah. Ah'll have yo' breakfas' ready in a couple o' minutes." "Thank Heaven you're here, Maria!" he said fervently. "I was almost afraid you weren't coming." <hr class="chap" /> [Pg 166] <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

1 of 2

2 of 2