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Foolish Dictionary, The

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<h3>A fool and his wife are soon parted. See Alimony.</h3> <div class="block">MAGAZINE A receptacle for explosives, literary or mechanical. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MAGNATE One who can float capital in a considerable body of water. From Lat. magnus, great, and nator, to swim; a great swimmer. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MAIDEN LADY A term applied to an old maid by those who wish to avoid hurting her feelings. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MALT A humble grain which often gets into a ferment, cools off and becomes Stout in its old age. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MAN Something that "Goes first on four feet, then two feet, then three, but the more feet it goes on the weaker it be!" <hr style="clear: both;" /> MAN-ABOUT-TOWN One who is on speaking terms with the head waiter. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MANICURE The only woman who can beat a carpenter at soaking nails. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MANNERS A difficult symphony in the key of B natural. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MARK In Germany, twenty-three cents. In the United States, only Twain. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MASCULINE From Grk. maskos, girl, and eukolos, easy. Easy for the girls. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MASSAGE A touch, with intent to rub it in. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MATRIMONY A game for women, in which the unmarried half are trying to find a husband and the married half trying not to be found out by one. Both halves are eminently successful. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MEAL According to the Liquor Law, a minute bunch of crumbs entirely surrounded by booze. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MEDIUM A party with one ear in the grave but both hands on your wallet. "Hello, Central! Give me Heaven!" <hr style="clear: both;" /> MELODEON An alleged musical instrument, popular at home, but unpopular next door. From Eng. melody, and Latin, un, without. Warranted without melody. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MENAGERIE From Fr. melange, mixture, and Ger. riechen, to smell. A mixture of smells. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MESSENGER BOY From Eng. miss, to fail, and Lat. engeo, to arrive. One who fails to arrive. <hr style="clear: both;" /> METER The gas man's trysting place. "Meet her in the cellar!" <hr style="clear: both;" /> MIND No matter. MATTER Never mind. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MINE A hole in the ground owned by a liar. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MINSTREL A footlight foul that makes its nightly lay in every city. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MIRACLE A woman who won't talk. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MIST Generally, a small, light rain. SCOTCH MIST A cloudburst. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MITTEN Something a tender-hearted girl gives a young man when she knows she is going to make it chilly for him. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MONEY Society's vindication of vulgarity. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MONOPOLY A modern device for impoverishing others. From Grk. monux, swift-footed, and polloi, the people. A swift kick for the people. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MOON The only lighting monopoly that never made money. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MORTGAGE From Fr. mort, death, and Eng. gag, to choke. A lawyer's invention for choking property to death. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MOSQUITO A small insect designed by God to make us think better of flies. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MOTH An unfortunate acquaintance who is always in the hole. And the only ones who try to get him out are his enemies. <hr style="clear: both;" /> MOUSE <div class="imgl" style="width: 25%;"> <ANTIMG border="0" src="images/mouse.png" width-obs="90%" alt="Mouse" /></div> The frequent cause of a rise in cotton. </div> <hr style="width: 33%;" /> <h3>All gone to 6's and 7's—Ladies' Footwear in Chicago.</h3> <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG border="0" src="images/n.png" alt="N" /></div> <h3>Time and tide wait for no man—But time always stands still for a woman of thirty.</h3> <div class="block">NATURE The author of "The Seasons," an interesting work over which Spring pours, Summer smiles, and Autumn turns the leaves while Winter catches the drift of it all. <hr style="clear: both;" /> NECK A close connection between chin and chest, used for the display of linen, silk, furs, jewelry and skin, fitted with gullet, windpipe, hunger and thirst, and devoted to the rubber industry. <hr style="clear: both;" /> NEGRO One who votes your way. NIGGER One who doesn't. <hr style="clear: both;" /> NEIGHBOR One who knows more about your affairs than yourself. <hr style="clear: both;" /> NERVE <div class="imgl" style="width: 25%;"> <ANTIMG border="0" src="images/nerve.png" width-obs="90%" alt="Nerve" /></div> Breaking the hair-brush on the disobedient scion, then making him pay for a new one. See revised version, "Spare the rod and spoil the hair-brush!" <hr style="clear: both;" /> "NEXT" The barberous password to the heaven of the shaved and the unshaved. <hr style="clear: both;" /> NIP Something bracing from without or within When felt in the air, it's a frost. When found in a glass, a life saver. <hr style="clear: both;" /> NOBILITY A gang of foreign brigands having abducent designs on the American Damsel and the American Dollar. <hr style="clear: both;" /> NON-CONDUCTOR The motorman. <hr style="clear: both;" /> NOSE A prominent member of the face family, usually a Greek or Roman, who owns the shortest bridge in the world. He is often stuck up in company, but frequently blows himself when he has his grippe. Principal occupations, sniffling, snivelling, sneezing, snorting and scenting, intruding in the neighbors' affairs, stuffing himself without permission and bleeding for others. <hr style="clear: both;" /> NOTE (PROMISSORY) "The substance of things long hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." <hr style="clear: both;" /> NOVEL A fabric that is often (k)nit in print, though the yarn be well spun. <hr style="clear: both;" /> NURSE <div class="imgl" style="width: 25%;"> <ANTIMG border="0" src="images/nurse.png" width-obs="90%" alt="Nurse" /></div> One who keeps setting up the drinks after you're all in. </div> <hr style="width: 33%;" /> <h3>Out of the frying-pan into the face—Mothers' doughnuts.</h3> <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG border="0" src="images/o.png" alt="O" /></div> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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