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Foolish Dictionary, The

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<h3>A bird on the plate is worth two on the bonnet.</h3> <div class="block">FACE A fertile, open expanse, lying midway between collar button and scalp, and full of cheek, chin and chatter. The crop of the male face is hair, harvested daily by a lather, or allowed to run to mutton-chops, spinach or full lace curtains. The female face product is powder, whence the expression, "Shoot off your face." Each is supplied with lamps, snufflers and bread boxes. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FAILURE The quickest method known for making money. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FEINT A pugilist's bluff. FAINT A woman's bluff. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FAITH A mental accomplishment whereby an ear-ache becomes a Symphony Concert, a broken finger a diamond ring and a "touch" an invitation to dine. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FAKE A false report. FAKIR A false reporter. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FAME Having a brand of cigars named after you. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FAMILY <div class="imgl" style="width: 30%;"> <ANTIMG border="0" src="images/family.png" width-obs="90%" alt="family" /></div> Originally a wife and several children, a matter of pride to the possessor. Now obsolete among the careful, or confined to the wife, a bull pup and a canary bird. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FARE. The cost of a ride. See old adage, "Only the brave can work their fare." <hr style="clear: both;" /> FAULT About the only thing that is often found where it does not exist. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FICTION. The Constitutional fiat that "all men are created equal." <hr style="clear: both;" /> FIDDLER A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso who refuses to play a real tune. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FIRMNESS That admirable quality in ourselves that is detestable stubbornness in others. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FIG Nothing. Note, "I don't care a fig," etc. FIG LEAF A small outer garment, next to nothing, worn by Adam 4000 B.C. and occasionally revived by Bostonian Art Committees. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FISHING An heroic treatment tried by some laymen to avoid falling asleep in church on Sunday. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FLAT A series of padded cells, commonly found in cities, in which are confined harmless monomaniacs who imagine Home to be a Sardine Box. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FLATTERY Cologne water, to be smelled of but not swallowed. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FLUE An escape for hot air. FLUENCY The art of releasing the same. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FLUSH From Grk. phlox, heat. A rush of color to the cheek, or hand, caused by bodily—or poker—heat. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FLY A familiar summer boarder who mingles with the cream of society, gets stuck on the butter and leaves his specs behind. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FLY-SCREEN An arrangement for keeping flies in the house. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FOOT The understanding of a girl from the west. FOOT-PATH Chicago, Ill. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FOOTBALL A clever subterfuge for carrying on prize-fights under the guise of a reputable game. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FOREIGNER <div class="imgl" style="width: 30%;"> <ANTIMG border="0" src="images/foreigner.png" width-obs="90%" alt="foreigner" /></div> One who is eligible to the police force. From Grk. fero, to carry off, and enara, spoils. One who carries off the spoils. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FORBEARANCE The spirit of toleration shown when a man who knows, patiently listens to a fool who does not. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FRANC Twenty cents, in French. FRANKFURTERS Four for twenty, in German. Derived from frank, open, and fortitude, meaning brave. Sold in the open and eaten by the brave. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FROST An old flame after the engagement is broken off. <hr style="clear: both;" /> FUN Joy. FUNCTION Devoid of joy. </div> <hr style="width: 33%;" /> <h3>As ye sew, so shall ye rip.</h3> <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG border="0" src="images/g.png" alt="G" /></div> <h3>Money makes the mayor go.—Proverbs of Politics.</h3> <div class="block">GALLON From the Fr. galonner, to make tight. Note, one is sufficient. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GALLANTRY This word is now almost obsolete. It was formerly employed to express a deferential attention on the part of the man who in a crowded car gave up his seat to the ladies. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GAMBLER From the Grk. gumnos, stripped to the skin. And the gambler's the one that does it. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GARDEN From the Fr. garantir, to make good. Hence, a place where lovers make good. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GARLIC From Grk. gar, for, and Lat. liceor, to bid. Good for the biddies. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GEM A breakfast muffin. With the newly married, syn. for "a precious stone." <hr style="clear: both;" /> GERM A bit of animal life living in water. GERMAN <div class="imgl" style="width: 30%;"> <ANTIMG border="0" src="images/german.png" width-obs="90%" alt="German" /></div> More animal life, living on beer. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GIRAFFE The champion rubber-neck of the world, and the longest thirst on record. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GLOBE An all-round proposition which has furnished its shareholders a living for several thousand years, though its stock is two-thirds water. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GOAT The honored founder and oldest inhabitant of Harlem, N.Y. Elsewhere, not in good odor. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GOLF An excuse for carrying unconcealed weapons and a Scotch breath. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GONDOLA A pleasure craft which plies in Venice, at World's Fairs and other popular watering places. From Eng. gone, and Lat. dolor, sadness, or Eng. dollar. Sadness gone; also, a gone dollar. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GORE Blood. Shed daily in Chicago abattoirs but never spilled in French duels. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GOSSIP Derived either from the Grk. gups, vulture, or Fr. gosier, wind-pipe. Hence, a vulture that tears its prey to bits, or an exercise of the wind-pipe from which every victim gets a blow. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GOUT The undesirable scion of High Living, which frequent the lowest joints and is mentioned only in the Invalid's Foot-Notes. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GOWN From Lat. gaudium, joy. A thing of beauty and a joy forever; if from Paris, generally an article of some Worth. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GUNPOWDER A black substance much employed in marking the boundary lines of nations. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GUM A substance for sticking. GUM-GAME A game in which some one is stuck. <hr style="clear: both;" /> GUTTER A school in which we may study the dregs of humanity or read the reflection of the stars. </div> <hr style="width: 33%;" /> <h3>There's many a slip twixt the toe and the heel.</h3> <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG border="0" src="images/h.png" alt="H" /></div> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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