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Foolish Dictionary, The

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<h3>Out of fight, out of coin.—The Pugilist's Plaint.</h3> <div class="block">DABBLE v. t., To play in water. DABBLE IN STOCKS—Same thing. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DACHSHUND A low-down dog. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DANCE A brisk, physical exercise, invented by St. Vitus. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DATES A fruit commonly plucked from the Family Tree and spread on the leaves of history. (Dist. bet. Dates and Peaches, which are often associated). <hr style="clear: both;" /> DEAD Without life. See Boston. DEADER Pompeii. DEADEST Philadelphia. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DEADBEAT One who makes a soft living by sponging it. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DEBT A big word beginning with Owe, which grows bigger the more it is contracted. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DEE-LIGHTED <div class="imgl" style="width: 30%;"> <ANTIMG border="0" src="images/deelighted.png" width-obs="90%" alt="deelighted" /></div> An Oyster Bay localism, derived from delighted. <hr style="clear: both;" /> <div class="block" style="font-size: 80%;">(Patent and Dramatic rights to this word are, until March 4, 1905, the exclusive property of T. Roosevelt, Esq., Subsequent editions of The Foolish Dictionary will define the word at length). </div> <hr style="clear: both;" /> DELEGATE From Eng. dally, to loaf, and Fr. gate, spoiled. A spoiled loafer. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DEMAGOGUE From Grk. demos, people, and Eng. gag. One who gags the people. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DEMOCRACY A mysterious country, bounded on the east by Richard Olney, on the west by Willie Bryan, on the north by Dave Hill and on the south by Bennie Pitchfork Tillman. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DEN A cavity. DENT To punch. DENTIST One who punches the face and fills cavities. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DEUCE An honest card, in fact the only one that is never known to beat tray. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DEVIL <div class="imgl" style="width: 30%;"> <ANTIMG border="0" src="images/devil.png" width-obs="90%" alt="devil" /></div> An old rascal mentioned in the Bible, now reported engaged to Mary McLane. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DIAMOND A bright gem the sparkle of which sometimes renders a woman stone-blind to the defects of the man proffering it. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DIARY An honest autobiography. A good keepsake, but a bad give-away. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DIGNITY A narrow, unstable bearing which mental spindle-shanks try to stand upon when they have no other support. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DICKENS An author; polite term for the devil. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DIE An effect. DIET Frequently a cause. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DIMPLE A ripple in the gentle whirlpool of a pretty woman's smile. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DIPLOMAT An international liar, with an elastic conscience and a rubber neck. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DISCOUNT Something often sold in place of goods. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DISCRETION An instinctive perception that enables us to say, "Oh, shut up!" to the small, weak man, and "I beg your pardon, but I do not entirely agree with your views," to the large, strong one. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DIVE A gambler's retreat. DIVIDENDS A gambler's reward. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DIVORCE Nominally, separation of husband and wife from the bonds of matrimony. In the vicinity of Newport it is frequently a legal formula that immediately precedes a fashionable wedding. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DOCK A place for laying up. DOCTOR One who lays you up. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DREAM What a man may call a woman, though a Pill may have suggested it. Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come true; wives, because they're often a night-mare, and both because they go by contraries. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DRAFT (DRAUGHT) What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DROP-STITCH A kind of feminine hosiery designed to prevent the men from paying too much attention to the open-work, "peek-a-boo" shirt-waist. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DRUM Something noisy, and made to beat. DRUMMER Something noisy, but impossible to beat. From the Grk. drimus, meaning sharp. Hence, something sharp, that always carries its point and sticks whoever it can. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DYNAMITE <div class="imgl" style="width: 30%;"> <ANTIMG border="0" src="images/dynamite.png" width-obs="90%" alt="dynamite" /></div> The peroration of an anarchist's argument. <hr style="clear: both;" /> DYSPEPSIA A good foundation for a bad temper. </div> <hr style="width: 33%;" /> <h3>Out of sight, only in mind.—Ballad of the Blind Beggar.</h3> <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG border="0" src="images/e.png" alt="E" /></div> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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