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Baboo Jabberjee, B.A.

<div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/frontis.jpg" width-obs="493" height-obs="700" alt="Unaccustomed to dark-complexioned gentlemen."></div> <hr class="pg"> <div class="figcenter"><ANTIMG src="images/tp.jpg" width-obs="397" height-obs="700" alt="Title Page"></div> <h3>THE WAYFARER'S LIBRARY</h3> <h1>BABOO JABBERJEE, B.A.</h1> <h2>F. Anstey</h2> <h3>J. M. DENT & SONS, Ltd.</h3> <h4>LONDON</h4> <hr class="pg"> <h3>CONTENTS</h3> <table summary="Contents" width="65%" cellpadding="1"> <tr> <td class="txt"> </td> <td class="pg">PAGE</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>I</h5>Mr Jabberjee apologises for the unambitious scope of his work; sundry confidences, criticisms, and complaints.</td> <td class="pg">1</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>II</h5>Some account of Mr Jabberjee's experiences at the Westminster Play.</td> <td class="pg">9</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>III</h5>Mr Jabberjee gives his views concerning the Laureateship.</td> <td class="pg">18</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>IV</h5>Containing Mr Jabberjee's Impressions at The Old Masters.</td> <td class="pg">24</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>V</h5>In which Mr Jabberjee expresses his Opinions on Bicycling as a Pastime.</td> <td class="pg">33</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>VI</h5>Dealing with his Adventures at Olympia.</td> <td class="pg">42</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>VII</h5>How Mr Jabberjee risked a Sprat to capture something very like a Whale.</td> <td class="pg">50</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>VIII</h5>How Mr Jabberjee delivered an Oration at a Ladies' Debating Club.</td> <td class="pg">60</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"> <h5>IX</h5>How he saw the practice of the University Crews, and what he thought of it.</td> <td class="pg">69</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>X</h5>Mr Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight.</td> <td class="pg">75</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XI</h5>Mr Jabberjee finds himself in a position of extreme delicacy.</td> <td class="pg">80</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XII</h5>Mr Jabberjee is taken by surprise.</td> <td class="pg">88</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XIII</h5>Drawbacks and advantages of being engaged. Some Meditations in a Music-hall, together with notes of certain things that Mr Jabberjee failed to understand.</td> <td class="pg">96</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XIV</h5>Mr Jabberjee's fellow-student. What's in a Title? An invitation to a Wedding. Mr J. as a wedding guest, with what he thought of the ceremony, and how he distinguished himself on the occasion.</td> <td class="pg">105</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XV</h5>Mr Jabberjee is asked out to dinner. Unreasonable behaviour of his betrothed. His doubts concerning the social advantages of a Boarding Establishment, with some scathing remarks upon ambitious pretenders. He goes out to dinner, and meets a person of some importance.</td> <td class="pg">114</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XVI</h5>Mr Jabberjee makes a pilgrimage to the Shrine of Shakespeare.</td> <td class="pg">125</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"> <h5>XVII</h5>Containing some intimate confidences from Mr Jabberjee, with the explanation of such apparent indiscretion.</td> <td class="pg">135</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XVIII</h5>Mr Jabberjee is a little over-ingenious in his excuses.</td> <td class="pg">138</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XIX</h5>Mr Jabberjee tries a fresh tack. His visit to the India Office and sympathetic reception.</td> <td class="pg">146</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XX</h5>Mr Jabberjee distinguishes himself in the Bar Examination, but is less successful in other respects. He writes another extremely ingenious epistle, from which he anticipates the happiest results.</td> <td class="pg">155</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XXI</h5>Mr Jabberjee halloos before he is quite out of the Wood.</td> <td class="pg">164</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XXII</h5>Mr Jabberjee places himself in the hands of a solicitor—with certain reservations.</td> <td class="pg">173</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XXIII</h5>Mr Jabberjee delivers his Statement of Defence, and makes his preparations for the North. He allows his patriotic sentiments to get the better of him in a momentary outburst of disloyalty—to which no serious importance need be attached.</td> <td class="pg">182</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XXIV</h5>Mr Jabberjee relates his experiences upon the Moors.</td> <td class="pg">190</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XXV</h5>Mr Jabberjee concludes the thrilling account of his experiences on a Scotch Moor, greatly to his own glorification.</td> <td class="pg">199</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"> <h5>XXVI</h5>Mr Jabberjee expresses some audaciously sceptical opinions. How he secured his first Salmon, with the manner in which he presented it to his divinity. <td class="pg">207</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XXVII</h5>Mr Jabberjee is unavoidably compelled to return to town, thereby affording his Solicitor the inestimable benefit of his personal assistance. An apparent attempt to pack the Jury.</td> <td class="pg">216</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XXVIII</h5>Mankletow v. Jabberjee. Notes taken by Mr Jabberjee in Court during the proceedings.</td> <td class="pg">225</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XXIX</h5>Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow v. Jabberjee. Mr Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence.</td> <td class="pg">235</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XXX</h5>Mankletow v. Jabberjee (part heard). Mr Jabberjee finds cross-examination much less formidable than he had anticipated.</td> <td class="pg">245</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XXXI</h5>Mankletow v. Jabberjee (continued). The Defendant brings his Speech to a somewhat unexpected conclusion, and Mr Witherington, Q.C., addresses the Jury in reply.</td> <td class="pg">255</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt"><h5>XXXII</h5>Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which many Readers will receive in a spirit of chastened resignation) Mr Jabberjee's final farewell.</td> <td class="pg">265</td> </tr> </table> <hr class="pg"> <h3>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS</h3> <table summary="List of Illustrations" width="65%" cellpadding="1"> <tr> <td class="txt"> </td> <td class="pg">PAGE</td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"Unaccustomed to dark-complexioned gentlemen."</td> <td class="pg">Frontispiece </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">Baboo Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee, B.A.</td> <td class="pg">viii </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"Let out! Let out!!"</td> <td class="pg">5 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"A golden-headed umbrella, fresh as a rose."</td> <td class="pg">15 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"Miss Jessimina Mankletow."</td> <td class="pg">25 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"I instantaneously endured the total upset!"</td> <td class="pg">37 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"With a large, stout constable."</td> <td class="pg">47 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"Was accosted by a polite, agreeable stranger."</td> <td class="pg">51 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"A weedy, tall male gentleman."</td> <td class="pg">61 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"A beaming simper of indescribable suavity."</td> <td class="pg">81 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"I became once more the silent tomb."</td> <td class="pg">91 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"In garbage of unparagoned shabbiness."</td> <td class="pg">99 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"The spectators saluted me with shouts of joy as the returned Shahzadar."</td> <td class="pg">107 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"Some haughty masculine might insult her under my very nose."</td> <td class="pg">115 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"It was here," I said, reverently, "that the swan of Avon was hatched!"</td> <td class="pg">129 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"Ascended his bicycle with a waggish winkle in his eye."</td> <td class="pg">141 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir!"</td> <td class="pg">151 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!"</td> <td class="pg">157 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"A royal command from the Queen-Empress."</td> <td class="pg">169 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"Would be greatly improved by the simple addition of some knee-caps." </td> <td class="pg">179 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"I am addressed by an underbred street-urchin as a 'Blooming Blacky!'"</td> <td class="pg">187 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"Of incredible bashfulness and bucolical appearance."</td> <td class="pg">191 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the fairylike Miss Wee-Wee."</td> <td class="pg">203 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"Whether he had wha-haed wi' hon'ble Wallace?"</td> <td class="pg">209 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">Baboo Chuckerbutty Ram.</td> <td class="pg">219 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"Fresh as a daisy, and fine as a carrot fresh scraped."</td> <td class="pg">227 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">Mr Justice Honeygall.</td> <td class="pg">237 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">Witherington, Q.C.</td> <td class="pg">247 </td> </tr> <tr> <td class="txt">"Jabberjee's face gradually lengthens."</td> <td class="pg">261 </td> </tr> </table> <hr style="width: 50%;"> The text and illustrations of this book are reproduced by kind permission of the Proprietors of Punch. <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/pviii.jpg" width-obs="384" height-obs="700" alt="Baboo Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee, B.A."></div> <h2>INTRODUCTORY LETTER FROM BABOO JABBERJEE.</h2> To the Hon'ble —— Punch. Venerable and Ludicrous Sir.—Permit me most respectfully to bring beneath your notice a proposal which I serenely anticipate will turn up trumps under the fructifying sunshine of your esteemed approbation. Sir, I am an able B.A. of a respectable Indian University, now in this country for purposes of being crammed through Inns of Court and Law Exam., and rendering myself a completely fledged Pleader or Barrister in the Native Bar of the High Court. Since my sojourn here, I have accomplished the laborious perusal of your transcendent and tip-top periodical, and, hoity toity! I am like a duck in thunder with admiring wonderment at the drollishness and jocosity with which your paper is ready to burst in its pictorial department. But, alack! when I turn my critical attention to the literary contents, I am met with a lamentable deficiency and no great shakes, for I note there the fly in the ointment and hiatus valde deflendus—to wit the utter absenteeism of a correct and classical style in English composition. To the highly educated native gentleman who searches your printed articles, hoping fondly to find himself in a well of English pure and undefiled, it proves merely to fish in the air. Conceive, Sir, the disgustful result to one saturated to the skin of his teeth in best English masterpieces of immaculate and moderately good prose extracts and dramatic passages, published with notes for the use of the native student, at weltering in a hotchpot and hurley-burley of arbitrarily distorted and very vulgarised cockneydoms and purely London provincialities, which must be of necessity to him as casting pearls before a swine! And I have the honour to inform you of a number of cultivated lively young native B.A.'s, both here and in my country, who are quite capable to appreciate really fine writing and sonoriferous periods if published in your paper, and which would infallibly result in a feather in your cap and bring increase of grit to the mill. If, Honoured Sir, you feel disposed to bolster yourself up with the wet blanket of a non possumus, and reply to me that your existing quill-drivers are too fat-witted and shallow-pated for the production of more pretentiously polished lucubrations—aye, not even if they burn the night-light oil and hear the chimes at midnight! I will not be hoodwinked by the superficiality of your cui bono, and shall make you the answer that I am willing for an exceedingly paltry honorarium to rush into the Gordian knot and write you the most superior essays on every conceivable and inconceivable subject under the sun, as per enclosed samples which I forward respectfully for your delightful and golden opinions, guaranteeing faithfully that all of your readers in every hemisphere and postal district will fall in love with such a new departure and fresh tack. The specimens I send are not my best, only very ordinary and humdrum affairs—but ex pede Herculem! Hon'ble Sir, and you will see how transcendentally superior are even such poor effusions compared to the fiddle-faddle and gim-crack style of article with which you are being fobbed off by puzzle-headed and self-opiniated nincompoops. I can also turn out rhymed poetry after models of Poets Tennyson, Cowper, Mrs Hemans, Southey, & Co., done to a tittle, so as not to be detected, even by the cynosure, as mere spurious imitation, but in every respect up to the mark and the real Simon Pure. Therefore, Hon'ble Sir, do not hesitate to strike while the iron is incandescent and bleed freely, even if it should be necessary, prior to engaging your humble petitioner's services, to turn out one or more of your present contributioners crop and heels, and lay them on the shelf of their own incompetencies. Remember that the slightest act of volition on your part can exalt my pecuniary status to the skies, as well as confer distinguished and unparagoned ennoblement upon your cacoëthes scribendi. I remain, respected Sir, Your most obsequious Servant, <div class="blockquot">Hurry Bungsho Jabberjee, B.A. </div> P.S. and N.B.—Being so unacquainted with the limner's art, I cannot at present undertake the etching of caricatures et hoc genus omne. However, if such is your will, Hon'ble Sir, I will take the cow by the horns, after preliminary course of instruction at Government Art School, all expenses, &c., to be defrayed on the nail out of your purse of Fortunatus, seeing that your esteemed correspondent is so hard up between two stools that he is reduced to a choice of Hodson's Horse! H. B. J. [Pg 1] <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/banner.jpg" width-obs="400" height-obs="71" alt="banner"></div> <h2 class="roman">I</h2> Mr Jabberjee apologises for the unambitious scope of his work; sundry confidences, criticisms and complaints. When I first received intimation from the supernal and spanking hand of Hon'ble Mr Punch, that he smiled with fatherly benignity at my humble request that he should offer myself as a regular poorly-paid contributor, I blessed my stars and was as if to jump over the moon for jubilation and sprightfulness. But, heigh-ho! surgit amari aliquid, and his condescending patronage was dolefully alloyed with the inevitable dash of bitters which, as Poet Shakspeare remarks, withers the galled jade until it winces. For with an iron heel has Hon'ble Mr P. declined sundry essays of enormous length and importance, composed in Addisonian, Johnsonian, and Gibbonian phraseology on assorted topics, such as "Love," "Civilisation," "Matrimony," "Superstition," "Is Courage a Virtue, or Vice Versâ?" and has recommended me instead to devote my pen to quite ephemeral and fugacious topics, and merely commit to paper such reflections, critical opinions, and experiences as may turn up in the potluck of my daily career. What wonder that on reading such a sine quâ non and ultimatum my vox faucibus hæsit and stuck in my gizzard with bashful sheepishness, for how to convulse the Thames and set it on fire and all agog with amazement at the humdrum incidents of so very ordinary an existence as mine, which is spent in the diligent study of Roman, Common, International, and Canonical Law from morn to dewy eve in the lecture-hall or the library of my inn, and, as soon as the shades of night are falling fast, in returning to my domicilium at Ladbroke Grove with the undeviating punctuality of a tick? However, being above all things desirous not to let slip the golden opportunity and pocket the root of all evil, I decided to let my diffidence go to the wall and boldly record every jot and tittle, however humdrum, with the critical reflections and censorious observations arising therefrom, remembering that, though the fabulous and mountain-engendered mouse was no doubt at the time considered but a fiasco and flash in the pan by its maternal progenitor, nevertheless that same identical mouse rendered yeomanry services at a subsequent period to the lion involved in the compromising intricacies of a landing-net! Benevolent reader, de te fabula narratur. Perchance the mousey bantlings of my insignificant brain may nibble away the cords of prejudice and exclusiveness now encircling many highly respectable British lions. Be not angry with me therefore, if in the character of a damned but good-natured friend, I venture on occasions to "hint dislike and hesitate disgust." The majestic and magnificent matron, under whose aegis I reside for rs. 20 per week, is of lofty lineage, though fallen from that high estate into the peck of troubles, and compelled (owing to severely social disposition) to receive a number of small and select boarders. Like Jepthah, in the play of Hamlet, she has one fair daughter and no more, a bewitching and well-proportioned damsel, as fine as a fivepence or a May-day queen. Notwithstanding this, when I summon up my courage to address her, she receives my laborious politeness with a cachinnation like that of a Cheshire cheese, which strikes me all of a heap. Her female parent excuses to me such flabbergasting demeanour on the plea that her daughter is afflicted with great shyness and maidenly modesty, but, on perceiving that she can be skittish and genial in the company of other masculines, I am forced to attribute her contumeliousness to the circumstance that I am a native gentleman of a dark complexion. In addition, I have the honour to inform you of further specimens of this inurbanity and bearishness from officials who are perfect strangers to the writer. Each morning I journey through the subterranean bowels of the earth to the Temple, and on a recent occasion, when I was descending the stairs in haste to pop into the train, lo and behold, just as I reached the gate, it was shut in my nose by the churlishness of the jack-in-office! At which, stung to the quick at so unprovoked and unpremeditated an affront, I accosted him severely through the bars of the wicket, demanding sarcastically, "Is this your boasted British Jurisprudence?" The savage heart of the Collector was moved by my expostulation, and he consented to open the gate, and imprint a perforated hole on my ticket; but, alack! his repentance was a day after the fair, for the train had already taken its hook into the Cimmerian gloom of a tunnel! When the next train arrived, I, waiting prudently until it was quiescent, stepped into a compartment, wherein I was dismayed and terrified to find myself alone with an individual and two lively young terriers, which barked minaciously at my legs. <div class="figcenter"> <ANTIMG src="images/p5.jpg" width-obs="437" height-obs="700" alt="Let out! Let out!!"> "LET OUT! LET OUT!!" </div> But I, with much presence of mind, protruded my head from the window, vociferating to those upon the platform, "Let out! Let out!! Fighting dogs are here!!!" And they met my appeal with unmannerly jeerings, until the controller of the train, seeing that I was firm in upholding my dignity of British subject, and claiming my just rights, unfastened the door and permitted me to escape; but, while I was yet in search of a compartment where no canine elements were in the manger, the train was once more in motion, and I, being no daredevil to take such leap into the dark, was a second time left behind, and a loser of two trains. Moreover, though I have written a humbly indignant petition to the Hon'ble Directors of the Company pointing out loss of time and inconvenience through incivility, and asking them for small pecuniary compensation, they have assumed the rhinoceros hide, and nilled my request with dry eyes. But I shall next make the further complaint that, even when making every effort to do the civil, the result is apt to kill with kindness; and—as King Charles the First, when they were shuffling off his mortal coil, politely apologised for the unconscionable long time that his head took to decapitate—so I, too, must draw attention to the fact that the duration of formal ceremonious visits, is far too protracted and long drawn out. Crede experto. A certain young English gentleman, dwelling in the Temple, whose acquaintance I have formed, earnestly requested that I should do him the honour of a visit; and recently, wishing to be hail fellow well met, I presented myself before him about 9.30 a.m. He greeted me with effusion, shaking me warmly by the hand, and begging me to be seated, and making many inquiries, whether I preferred India to England, and what progress I was making in my studies, &c., and so forth, all of which I answered faithfully, to the best of my abilities. After that he addressed me by fits and starts and longo intervallo, yet displaying so manifest and absorbent a delight in my society that he could not bring himself to terminate the audience, while I was to conceal my immense wearisomeness and the ardent desire I had conceived to leave him. And thus he detained me there hour after hour, until five minutes past one p.m., when he recollected, with many professions of chagrin, that he had an appointment to take his tiffin, and dismissed me, inviting me cordially to come again. If, however, it is expected of me that I can devote three hours and a half to ceremonial civilities, I must respectfully answer with a Nolo episcopari, for my time is more precious than rubies, and so I will beg not only Mr Melladew, Esq., Barrister-at-law, but all other Anglo-Saxon friends and their families, to accept this as a verbum sap. and wink to a blind horse. <hr style="width: 65%;"> [Pg 9] <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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