<p class="gutsumm">Several contrivances of the author to please
the king and queen. He shows his skill in music. The
king inquires into the state of England, which the author relates
to him. The king’s observations thereon.</p>
<p>I used to attend the king’s levee once or twice a week,
and had often seen him under the barber’s hand, which
indeed was at first very terrible to behold; for the razor was
almost twice as long as an ordinary scythe. His majesty,
according to the custom of the country, was only shaved twice
a-week. I once prevailed on the barber to give me some of
the suds or lather, out of which I picked forty or fifty of the
strongest stumps of hair. I then took a piece of fine wood,
and cut it like the back of a comb, making several holes in it at
equal distances with as small a needle as I could get from
Glumdalclitch. I fixed in the stumps so artificially,
scraping and sloping them with my knife toward the points, that I
made a very tolerable comb; which was a seasonable supply, my own
being so much broken in the teeth, that it was almost useless:
neither did I know any artist in that country so nice and exact,
as would undertake to make me another.</p>
<p>And this puts me in mind of an amusement, wherein I spent many
of my leisure hours. I desired the queen’s woman to
save for me the combings of her majesty’s hair, whereof in
time I got a good quantity; and consulting with my friend the
cabinet-maker, who had received general orders to do little jobs
for me, I directed him to make two chair-frames, no larger than
those I had in my box, and to bore little holes with a fine awl,
round those parts where I designed the backs and seats; through
these holes I wove the strongest hairs I could pick out, just
after the manner of cane chairs in England. When they were
finished, I made a present of them to her majesty; who kept them
in her cabinet, and used to show them for curiosities, as indeed
they were the wonder of every one that beheld them. The
queen would have me sit upon one of these chairs, but I
absolutely refused to obey her, protesting I would rather die
than place a dishonourable part of my body on those precious
hairs, that once adorned her majesty’s head. Of these
hairs (as I had always a mechanical genius) I likewise made a
neat little purse, about five feet long, with her majesty’s
name deciphered in gold letters, which I gave to Glumdalclitch,
by the queen’s consent. To say the truth, it was more
for show than use, being not of strength to bear the weight of
the larger coins, and therefore she kept nothing in it but some
little toys that girls are fond of.</p>
<p>The king, who delighted in music, had frequent concerts at
court, to which I was sometimes carried, and set in my box on a
table to hear them: but the noise was so great that I could
hardly distinguish the tunes. I am confident that all the
drums and trumpets of a royal army, beating and sounding together
just at your ears, could not equal it. My practice was to
have my box removed from the place where the performers sat, as
far as I could, then to shut the doors and windows of it, and
draw the window curtains; after which I found their music not
disagreeable.</p>
<p>I had learned in my youth to play a little upon the
spinet. Glumdalclitch kept one in her chamber, and a master
attended twice a-week to teach her: I called it a spinet, because
it somewhat resembled that instrument, and was played upon in the
same manner. A fancy came into my head, that I would
entertain the king and queen with an English tune upon this
instrument. But this appeared extremely difficult: for the
spinet was near sixty feet long, each key being almost a foot
wide, so that with my arms extended I could not reach to above
five keys, and to press them down required a good smart stroke
with my fist, which would be too great a labour, and to no
purpose. The method I contrived was this: I prepared two
round sticks, about the bigness of common cudgels; they were
thicker at one end than the other, and I covered the thicker ends
with pieces of a mouse’s skin, that by rapping on them I
might neither damage the tops of the keys nor interrupt the
sound. Before the spinet a bench was placed, about four
feet below the keys, and I was put upon the bench. I ran
sideling upon it, that way and this, as fast as I could, banging
the proper keys with my two sticks, and made a shift to play a
jig, to the great satisfaction of both their majesties; but it
was the most violent exercise I ever underwent; and yet I could
not strike above sixteen keys, nor consequently play the bass and
treble together, as other artists do; which was a great
disadvantage to my performance.</p>
<p>The king, who, as I before observed, was a prince of excellent
understanding, would frequently order that I should be brought in
my box, and set upon the table in his closet: he would then
command me to bring one of my chairs out of the box, and sit down
within three yards distance upon the top of the cabinet, which
brought me almost to a level with his face. In this manner
I had several conversations with him. I one day took the
freedom to tell his majesty, “that the contempt he
discovered towards Europe, and the rest of the world, did not
seem answerable to those excellent qualities of mind that he was
master of; that reason did not extend itself with the bulk of the
body; on the contrary, we observed in our country, that the
tallest persons were usually the least provided with it; that
among other animals, bees and ants had the reputation of more
industry, art, and sagacity, than many of the larger kinds; and
that, as inconsiderable as he took me to be, I hoped I might live
to do his majesty some signal service.” The king
heard me with attention, and began to conceive a much better
opinion of me than he had ever before. He desired “I
would give him as exact an account of the government of England
as I possibly could; because, as fond as princes commonly are of
their own customs (for so he conjectured of other monarchs, by my
former discourses), he should be glad to hear of any thing that
might deserve imitation.”</p>
<p>Imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often I then
wished for the tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have
enabled me to celebrate the praise of my own dear native country
in a style equal to its merits and felicity.</p>
<p>I began my discourse by informing his majesty, that our
dominions consisted of two islands, which composed three mighty
kingdoms, under one sovereign, beside our plantations in
America. I dwelt long upon the fertility of our soil, and
the temperature of our climate. I then spoke at large upon
the constitution of an English parliament; partly made up of an
illustrious body called the House of Peers; persons of the
noblest blood, and of the most ancient and ample
patrimonies. I described that extraordinary care always
taken of their education in arts and arms, to qualify them for
being counsellors both to the king and kingdom; to have a share
in the legislature; to be members of the highest court of
judicature, whence there can be no appeal; and to be champions
always ready for the defence of their prince and country, by
their valour, conduct, and fidelity. That these were the
ornament and bulwark of the kingdom, worthy followers of their
most renowned ancestors, whose honour had been the reward of
their virtue, from which their posterity were never once known to
degenerate. To these were joined several holy persons, as
part of that assembly, under the title of bishops, whose peculiar
business is to take care of religion, and of those who instruct
the people therein. These were searched and sought out
through the whole nation, by the prince and his wisest
counsellors, among such of the priesthood as were most deservedly
distinguished by the sanctity of their lives, and the depth of
their erudition; who were indeed the spiritual fathers of the
clergy and the people.</p>
<p>That the other part of the parliament consisted of an assembly
called the House of Commons, who were all principal gentlemen,
freely picked and culled out by the people themselves, for their
great abilities and love of their country, to represent the
wisdom of the whole nation. And that these two bodies made
up the most august assembly in Europe; to whom, in conjunction
with the prince, the whole legislature is committed.</p>
<p>I then descended to the courts of justice; over which the
judges, those venerable sages and interpreters of the law,
presided, for determining the disputed rights and properties of
men, as well as for the punishment of vice and protection of
innocence. I mentioned the prudent management of our
treasury; the valour and achievements of our forces, by sea and
land. I computed the number of our people, by reckoning how
many millions there might be of each religious sect, or political
party among us. I did not omit even our sports and
pastimes, or any other particular which I thought might redound
to the honour of my country. And I finished all with a
brief historical account of affairs and events in England for
about a hundred years past.</p>
<p>This conversation was not ended under five audiences, each of
several hours; and the king heard the whole with great attention,
frequently taking notes of what I spoke, as well as memorandums
of what questions he intended to ask me.</p>
<p>When I had put an end to these long discources, his majesty,
in a sixth audience, consulting his notes, proposed many doubts,
queries, and objections, upon every article. He asked,
“What methods were used to cultivate the minds and bodies
of our young nobility, and in what kind of business they commonly
spent the first and teachable parts of their lives? What
course was taken to supply that assembly, when any noble family
became extinct? What qualifications were necessary in those
who are to be created new lords: whether the humour of the
prince, a sum of money to a court lady, or a design of
strengthening a party opposite to the public interest, ever
happened to be the motive in those advancements? What share
of knowledge these lords had in the laws of their country, and
how they came by it, so as to enable them to decide the
properties of their fellow-subjects in the last resort?
Whether they were always so free from avarice, partialities, or
want, that a bribe, or some other sinister view, could have no
place among them? Whether those holy lords I spoke of were
always promoted to that rank upon account of their knowledge in
religious matters, and the sanctity of their lives; had never
been compliers with the times, while they were common priests; or
slavish prostitute chaplains to some nobleman, whose opinions
they continued servilely to follow, after they were admitted into
that assembly?”</p>
<p>He then desired to know, “What arts were practised in
electing those whom I called commoners: whether a stranger, with
a strong purse, might not influence the vulgar voters to choose
him before their own landlord, or the most considerable gentleman
in the neighbourhood? How it came to pass, that people were
so violently bent upon getting into this assembly, which I
allowed to be a great trouble and expense, often to the ruin of
their families, without any salary or pension? because this
appeared such an exalted strain of virtue and public spirit, that
his majesty seemed to doubt it might possibly not be always
sincere.” And he desired to know, “Whether such
zealous gentlemen could have any views of refunding themselves
for the charges and trouble they were at by sacrificing the
public good to the designs of a weak and vicious prince, in
conjunction with a corrupted ministry?” He multiplied
his questions, and sifted me thoroughly upon every part of this
head, proposing numberless inquiries and objections, which I
think it not prudent or convenient to repeat.</p>
<p>Upon what I said in relation to our courts of justice, his
majesty desired to be satisfied in several points: and this I was
the better able to do, having been formerly almost ruined by a
long suit in chancery, which was decreed for me with costs.
He asked, “What time was usually spent in determining
between right and wrong, and what degree of expense?
Whether advocates and orators had liberty to plead in causes
manifestly known to be unjust, vexatious, or oppressive?
Whether party, in religion or politics, were observed to be of
any weight in the scale of justice? Whether those pleading
orators were persons educated in the general knowledge of equity,
or only in provincial, national, and other local customs?
Whether they or their judges had any part in penning those laws,
which they assumed the liberty of interpreting, and glossing upon
at their pleasure? Whether they had ever, at different
times, pleaded for and against the same cause, and cited
precedents to prove contrary opinions? Whether they were a
rich or a poor corporation? Whether they received any
pecuniary reward for pleading, or delivering their
opinions? And particularly, whether they were ever admitted
as members in the lower senate?”</p>
<p>He fell next upon the management of our treasury; and said,
“he thought my memory had failed me, because I computed our
taxes at about five or six millions a-year, and when I came to
mention the issues, he found they sometimes amounted to more than
double; for the notes he had taken were very particular in this
point, because he hoped, as he told me, that the knowledge of our
conduct might be useful to him, and he could not be deceived in
his calculations. But, if what I told him were true, he was
still at a loss how a kingdom could run out of its estate, like a
private person.” He asked me, “who were our
creditors; and where we found money to pay them?” He
wondered to hear me talk of such chargeable and expensive wars;
“that certainly we must be a quarrelsome people, or live
among very bad neighbours, and that our generals must needs be
richer than our kings.” He asked, what business we
had out of our own islands, unless upon the score of trade, or
treaty, or to defend the coasts with our fleet?”
Above all, he was amazed to hear me talk of a mercenary standing
army, in the midst of peace, and among a free people. He
said, “if we were governed by our own consent, in the
persons of our representatives, he could not imagine of whom we
were afraid, or against whom we were to fight; and would hear my
opinion, whether a private man’s house might not be better
defended by himself, his children, and family, than by
half-a-dozen rascals, picked up at a venture in the streets for
small wages, who might get a hundred times more by cutting their
throats?”</p>
<p>He laughed at my “odd kind of arithmetic,” as he
was pleased to call it, “in reckoning the numbers of our
people, by a computation drawn from the several sects among us,
in religion and politics.” He said, “he knew no
reason why those, who entertain opinions prejudicial to the
public, should be obliged to change, or should not be obliged to
conceal them. And as it was tyranny in any government to
require the first, so it was weakness not to enforce the second:
for a man may be allowed to keep poisons in his closet, but not
to vend them about for cordials.”</p>
<p>He observed, “that among the diversions of our nobility
and gentry, I had mentioned gaming: he desired to know at what
age this entertainment was usually taken up, and when it was laid
down; how much of their time it employed; whether it ever went so
high as to affect their fortunes; whether mean, vicious people,
by their dexterity in that art, might not arrive at great riches,
and sometimes keep our very nobles in dependence, as well as
habituate them to vile companions, wholly take them from the
improvement of their minds, and force them, by the losses they
received, to learn and practise that infamous dexterity upon
others?”</p>
<p>He was perfectly astonished with the historical account gave
him of our affairs during the last century; protesting “it
was only a heap of conspiracies, rebellions, murders, massacres,
revolutions, banishments, the very worst effects that avarice,
faction, hypocrisy, perfidiousness, cruelty, rage, madness,
hatred, envy, lust, malice, and ambition, could
produce.”</p>
<p>His majesty, in another audience, was at the pains to
recapitulate the sum of all I had spoken; compared the questions
he made with the answers I had given; then taking me into his
hands, and stroking me gently, delivered himself in these words,
which I shall never forget, nor the manner he spoke them in:
“My little friend Grildrig, you have made a most admirable
panegyric upon your country; you have clearly proved, that
ignorance, idleness, and vice, are the proper ingredients for
qualifying a legislator; that laws are best explained,
interpreted, and applied, by those whose interest and abilities
lie in perverting, confounding, and eluding them. I observe
among you some lines of an institution, which, in its original,
might have been tolerable, but these half erased, and the rest
wholly blurred and blotted by corruptions. It does not
appear, from all you have said, how any one perfection is
required toward the procurement of any one station among you;
much less, that men are ennobled on account of their virtue; that
priests are advanced for their piety or learning; soldiers, for
their conduct or valour; judges, for their integrity; senators,
for the love of their country; or counsellors for their
wisdom. As for yourself,” continued the king,
“who have spent the greatest part of your life in
travelling, I am well disposed to hope you may hitherto have
escaped many vices of your country. But by what I have
gathered from your own relation, and the answers I have with much
pains wrung and extorted from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk
of your natives to be the most pernicious race of little odious
vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the
earth.”</p>
<h3>II - CHAPTER VII.</h3>
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