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Coffee and Repartee

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<h2>III</h2> There was a conspiracy in hand to embarrass the Idiot. The School-master and the Bibliomaniac had combined forces to give him a taste of his own medicine. The time had not yet arrived which showed the Idiot at a disadvantage; and the two boarders, the one proud of his learning, and the other not wholly unconscious of a bookish life, were distinctly tired of the triumphant manner in which the Idiot always left the breakfast-table to their invariable discomfiture. <div class="figright"> <ANTIMG src="images/image008.png" width-obs="619" height-obs="380" alt="THE CONSPIRATORS" title="THE CONSPIRATORS" /> THE CONSPIRATORS</div> It was the School-master's suggestion to put their tormentor into the pit he had heretofore digged for them. The worthy instructor of youth had of late come to see that while he was still a prime favorite with his landlady, he had, nevertheless, suffered somewhat in her estimation because of the apparent ease with which the Idiot had got the better of him on all points. It was necessary, he thought, to rehabilitate himself, and a deep-laid plot, to which the Bibliomaniac readily lent ear, was the result of his reflections. They twain were to indulge in a discussion of the great story of Robert Elsmere, which both were confident the Idiot had not read, and concerning which they felt assured he could not have an intelligent opinion if he had read it. So it happened upon this bright Sunday morning that as the boarders sat them down to partake of the usual "restful breakfast," as the Idiot termed it, the Bibliomaniac observed: "I have just finished reading Robert Elsmere." "Have you, indeed?" returned the School-master, with apparent interest. "I trust you profited by it?" "On the contrary," observed the Bibliomaniac. "My views are much unsettled by it." "I prefer the breast of the chicken, Mrs. Smithers," observed the Idiot, sending his plate back to the presiding genius of the table. "The neck of a chicken is graceful, but not too full of sustenance." "He fights shy," whispered the Bibliomaniac, gleefully. "Never mind," returned the School-master, confidently; "we'll land him yet." Then he added, aloud: "Unsettled by it? I fail to see how any man with beliefs that are at all the result of mature convictions can be unsettled by the story of Elsmere. For my part I believe, and I have always said—" "I never could understand why the neck of a chicken should be allowed on a respectable table anyhow," continued the Idiot, ignoring the controversy in which his neighbors were engaged, "unless for the purpose of showing that the deceased fowl met with an accidental rather than a natural death." "In what way does the neck demonstrate that point?" queried the Bibliomaniac, forgetting the conspiracy for a moment. "By its twist or by its length, of course," returned the Idiot. "A chicken that dies a natural death does not have its neck wrung; nor when the head is removed by the use of a hatchet, is it likely that it will be cut off so close behind the ears that those who [Pg 31]eat the chicken are confronted with four inches of neck." "Very entertaining indeed," interposed the School-master; "but we are wandering from the point the Bibliomaniac and I were discussing. Is or is not the story of Robert Elsmere unsettling to one's beliefs? Perhaps you can help us to decide that question." "Perhaps I can," returned the Idiot; "and perhaps not. It did not unsettle my beliefs." "But don't you think," observed the Bibliomaniac, "that to certain minds the book is more or less unsettling?" "To that I can confidently say no. The certain mind knows no uncertainty," replied the Idiot, calmly. "Very pretty indeed," said the School-master, coldly. "But what was your opinion of Mrs. Ward's handling of the subject? Do you think she was sufficiently realistic? And if so, and Elsmere weakened under the stress of circumstances, do you think—or don't you think—the production of such a book harmful, because—being real—it must of necessity be unsettling to some minds?" "I prefer not to express an opinion on that subject," returned the Idiot, "because I never read Robert Els—" "Never read it?" ejaculated the School-master, a look of triumph in his eyes. "Why, everybody has read Elsmere that pretends to have read anything," asserted the Bibliomaniac. "Of course," put in the landlady, with a scornful laugh. "Well, I didn't," said the Idiot, nonchalantly. "The same ground was gone over two years before in Burrows's great story, Is It, or Is It Not? and anybody who ever read Clink's books on the Non-Existent as Opposed to What Is, knows where Burrows got his points. Burrows's story was a perfect marvel. I don't know how many editions it went through in England, and when it was translated into French by Madame Tournay, it simply set the French wild." "Great Scott!" whispered the Bibliomaniac, desperately, "I'm afraid we've been barking up the wrong tree." "You've read Clink, I suppose?" asked the Idiot, turning to the School-master. "Y—yes," returned the School-master, blushing deeply. The Idiot looked surprised, and tried to conceal a smile by sipping his coffee from a spoon. "And Burrows?" "No," returned the School-master, humbly. "I never read Burrows." "Well, you ought to. It's a great book, and it's the one Robert Elsmere is taken from—same ideas all through, I'm told—that's why I didn't read Elsmere. Waste of time, you know. But you noticed yourself, I suppose, that Clink's ground is the same as that covered in Elsmere?" <div class="figleft"> <ANTIMG src="images/image007.png" width-obs="360" height-obs="563" alt=""'I STUCK TO THE PIGS'"" title=""'I STUCK TO THE PIGS'"" /> "'I STUCK TO THE PIGS'"</div> "No; I only dipped lightly into Clink," returned the School-master, with some embarrassment. "But you couldn't help noticing a similarity of ideas?" insisted the Idiot, calmly. The School-master looked beseechingly at the Bibliomaniac, who would have been glad to fly to his co-conspirator's assistance had he known how, but never having heard of Clink, or Burrows either, for that matter, he made up his mind that it was best for his reputation for him to stay out of the controversy. "Very slight similarity, however," said the School-master, in despair. "Where can I find Clink's books?" put in Mr. Whitechoker, very much interested. The Idiot conveniently had his mouth full of chicken at the moment, and it was to the School-master who had also read him that they all—the landlady included—looked for an answer. "Oh, I think," returned that worthy, hesitatingly—"I think you'll find Clink in any of the public libraries." "What is his full name?" persisted Mr. Whitechoker, taking out a memorandum-book. "Horace J. Clink," said the Idiot. "Yes; that's it—Horace J. Clink," echoed the School-master. "Very virile writer and a clear thinker," he added, with some nervousness. "What, if any, of his books would you specially recommend?" asked the Minister again. The Idiot had by this time risen from the table, and was leaving the room with the genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed. The School-master's reply was not audible. "I say," said the genial gentleman to the Idiot, as they passed out into the hall, "they didn't get much the best of you in that matter. But, tell me, who was Clink, anyhow?" "Never heard of him before," returned the Idiot. "And Burrows?" "Same as Clink." "Know anything about Elsmere?" chuckled the genial gentleman. "Nothing—except that it and 'Pigs in Clover' came out at the same time, and I stuck to the Pigs." And the genial gentleman who occasionally imbibed was so pleased at the plight of the School-master and of the Bibliomaniac that he invited the Idiot up to his room, where the private stock was kept for just such occasions, and they put in a very pleasant morning together. <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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