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Glugs of Gosh, The

<h2>IX. THE RHYMES OF SYM</h2> Nobody knew why it should be so; Nobody knew or wanted to know. It might have been checked had but someone dared To trace its beginnings; but nobody cared. But 'twas clear to the wise that the Glugs of those days Were crazed beyond reason concerning a craze. They would pass a thing by for a week or a year, With an air apathetic, or maybe a sneer: Some ev'ryday thing, like a crime or a creed, A mode or a movement, and pay it small heed, Till Somebody started to laud it aloud; Then all but the Nobodies followed the crowd. Thus, Sym was a craze; tho', to give him his due, He would rather have strayed from the popular view. But once the Glugs had him they held him so tight That he could not be nobody, try as he might. He had to be Somebody, so they decreed. For Craze is an appetite, governed by Greed. So on Saturday week to the Great Market Square Came every Glug who could rake up his fare. They came from the suburbs, they came from the town, There came from the country Glugs bearded and brown, Rich Glugs, with cigars, all well-tailored and stout, Jostled commonplace Glugs who dropped aitches about. There were gushing Glug maids, well aware of their charms, And stern, massive matrons with babes in their arms. There were querulous dames who complained of the "squash," The pushing and squeezing; for, briefly, all Gosh, With its aunt and its wife, stood agape in the ranks-- Excepting Sir Stodge and his satellite Swanks. The Mayor of Quog took the chair for the day; And he made them a speech, and he ventured to say That a Glug was a Glug, and the Cause they held dear Was a very dear Cause. And the Glugs said, "Hear, hear." Then Sym took the stage to a round of applause From thousands who suddenly found they'd a Cause. <center> <ANTIMG alt="" src="images/glugs-16.jpg"> Quog took the chair </center> THE FIRST RHYME OF SYM We strive together in life's crowded mart, Keen-eyed, with clutching hands to over-reach. We scheme, we lie, we play the selfish part, Masking our lust for gain with gentle speech; And masking too--O pity ignorance!-- Our very selves behind a careless glance. Ah, foolish brothers, seeking e'er in vain The one dear gift that liesso near at hand; Hoping to barter gold we meanly gain For that the poorest beggar in the land Holds for his own, to hoard while yet he spends; Seeking fresh treasure in the hearts of friends. We preach; yet do we deem it worldly-wise To count unbounded brother-love a shame, So, ban the brother-look from out our eyes, Lest sparks of sympathy be fanned to flame. We smile; and yet withhold, in secret fear, The word so hard to speak, so sweet to hear-- The Open Sesame to meanest hearts, The magic word, to which stern eyes grow soft, And crafty faces, that the cruel marts Have seared and scored, turn gentle--Nay, how oft It trembles on the lip to die unppoke, And dawning love is stifled with a joke. Nay, brothers, look about your world to-day: A world to you so drab, so commonplace-- The flowers still are blooming by the way, As blossom smiles upon the sternest face. In everv hour is born some thought of love; In every heart is hid some treasure-trove. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . With a modified clapping and stamping of feet The Glugs mildly cheered him, as Sym took his seat. But some said 'twas clever, and some said 'twas grand- More especially those who did not understand. And some said, with frowns, tho' the words sounded plain, Yet it had a deep meaning they craved to explain. But the Mayor said: Silence! He wished to observe That a Glug was a Glug; and in wishing to serve This glorious Cause, which they'd asked him to lead, They had proved they were Glugs of the noble old breed That made Gosh what it was . . . and he'd ask the police To remove that small boy while they heard the next piece. THE SECOND RHYME OF SYM "Now come," said the Devil, he said to me, With his swart face all a-grin, "This day, ere ever the clock strikes three, Shall you sin your darling sin. For I've wagered a crown with Beelzebub, Down there at the Gentlemen's Brimstone Club, I shall tempt you once, I shall tempt you twice, Yet thrice shall you fall ere I tempt you thrice." "Begone, base Devil!" I made reply-- "Begone with your fiendish grin! How hope you to profit by such as I? For I have no darling sin. But many there be, and I know them well, All foul with sinning and ripe for Hell. And I name no names, but the whole world knows That I am never of such as those." "How nowt' said the Devil. "I'll spread my net, And I vow I'll gather you in! By this and by that shall I win my bet, And you shall sin the sin! Come, fill up a bumper of good red wine, Your heart shall sing, and your eye shall shine, You shall know such joy as you never have known. For the salving of men was the good vine grown." "Begone, red Devil!" I made reply. "Parch shall these lips of mine, And my tongue shall shrink, and my throat go dry, Ere ever I taste your wine! But greet you shall, as I know full well, A tipsy score of my friends in Hell. And I name no names, but the whole world wots Most of my fellows are drunken sots." "Ah, ha!" said the Devil. "You scorn the wine! Thrice shall you sin, I say, To win me a crown from a friend of mine, Ere three o' the clock this day. Are you calling to mind some lady fair? And is she a wife or a maiden rare? 'Twere folly to shackle young love, hot Youth; And stolen kisses are sweet, forsooth!" "Begone, foul Devil!" I made reply; "For never in all my life Have I looked on a woman with lustful eye, Be she maid, or widow, or wife. But my brothers! Alas! I am scandalized By their evil passions so ill disguised. And I name no names, but my thanks I give That I loathe the lives my fellow-men live." "Ho, ho!" roared the Devil in fiendish glee. "'Tis a silver crown I win! Thrice have you fallen! 0 Pharisee, You have sinned your darling sin!" "But, nay," said I; "and I scorn your lure. I have sinned no sin, and my heart is pure. Come, show me a sign of the sin you see!" But the Devil was gone . . . and the clock struck three. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . With an increase of cheering and waving of hats- While the little boys squealed, and made noises like cats-- The Glugs gave approval to Sym's second rhyme. And some said 'twas thoughtful, and some said 'twas prime; And some said 'twas witty, and had a fine end: More especially those who did not comprehend. And some said with leers and with nudges and shrugs That, they mentioned no names, but it hit certain Glugs. And others remarked, with superior smiles, While dividing the metrical feet into miles, That the thing seemed quite simple, without any doubt, But the anagrams in it would need thinking out. But the Mayor said, Hush! And he wished to explain That in leading this Movement he'd nothing to gain. He was ready to lead, since they trusted him so; And, wherever he led he was sure Glugs would go. And he thanked them again, and craved peace for a time, While this gifted young man read his third and last rhyme. THE LAST RHYME OF SYM (To sing you a song and a sensible song is a worthy and excellent thing; But how could I sing you that sort of a song, if there's never a song to sing?) At ten to the tick, by the kitchen clock, I marked him blundering by, With his eyes astare, and his rumpled hair, and his hat cocked over his eye. Blind, in his pride, to his shoes untied, he went with a swift jig-jog, Off on the quest, with a strange unrest, hunting the Feasible Dog. And this is the song, as he dashed along, that he sang with a swaggering swing-- (Now how had I heard him singing a song if he hadn't a song to sing?) "I've found the authentic, identical beast! The Feasible Dog, and the terror of Gosh! I know by the prowl of him. Hark to the growl of him! Heralding death to the subjects of Splosh. Oh, look at him glaring and staring, by thunder! Now each for himself, and the weakest goes under! "Beware this injurious, furious brute; He's ready to rend you with tooth and with claw. Tho' 'tis incredible, Anything edible Disappears suddenly into his maw: Into his cavernous inner interior Vanishes evrything strictly superior." He calls it "Woman," he calls it "Wine," he calls it "Devils" and "Dice"; He calls it "Surfing" and "Sunday Golf' and names that are not so nice. But whatever he calls it-"Morals" or "Mirth"-he is on with the hunt right quick For his sorrow he'd hug like a gloomy Gllig if he hadn't a dog to kick. So any old night, if the stars are right, vou will find him, hot on the trail Of a feasible dog and a teasable dog, with a can to tie to his tail. And the song that he roars to the shuddering stars is a worthy and excellent thing. (Yet how could you hear him singing a song if there wasn't a song to sing?) "I've watched his abdominous, ominous shape Abroad in the land while the nation has slept, Marked his satanical Methods tyrannical; Rigorous, vigorous vigil I kept. Good gracious! Voracious is hardly the name for it! Yet we have only our blindness to blame for it. "My dear, I've autoptical, optical proof That he's prowling and growling at large in the land. Hear his pestiferous Clamour vociferous, Gurgles and groans of the beastliest brand. Some may regard his contortions as comical. But I've the proof that his game's gastronomical. "Beware this obstreperous, leprous beast-- A treacherous wretch, for I know him of old. I'm on the track of him, Close at the back of him, And I'm aware his ambitions are bold; For he's yearning and burning to snare the superior Into his roomy and gloomy interior." . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Such a shouting and yelling of hearty Bravoes, Such a craning of necks and a standing on toes Seemed to leave ne'er a doubt that the Tinker's last rhyme Had now won him repute 'mid the Glugs for all time. And they all said the rhyme was the grandest they'd heard: More especially those who had not caught a word. But the Mayor said: Peace! And he stood, without fear, As the leader of all to whom Justice was dear. For the Tinker had rhymed, as the Prophet foretold, And a light was let in on the errors of old. For in every line, and in every verse Was the proof that Sir Stodge was a traitor, and worse! Sir Stodge (said the Mayor), must go from his place; And the Swanks, one and all, were a standing disgrace! For the influence won o'er a weak, foolish king Was a menace to Gosh, and a scandalous thing! "And now," said the Mayor, "I stand here to-day As your leader and friend." And the Glugs said, "Hooray!" Then they went to their homes in the suburbs and town; To their farms went the Glugs who were bearded and brown. Portly Glugs with cigars went to dine at their clubs, While illiterate Glugs had one more at the pubs. And each household in Gosh sat and talked half the night Of the wonderful day, and the imminent fight. Forgetting the rhymer, forgetting his rhymes, They talked of Sir Stodge and his numerous crimes. There was hardly a C3lug in the whole land of Gosh Who'd a lenient word to put in for King Splosh. One and all, to the mangiest, surliest dog, Were quite eager to bark for his Worship of Quog. Forgotten, unnoticed, Sym wended his way To his lodging in Gosh at the close of the day. And 'twas there, to his friend and companion of years-- To his little red dog with the funny prick ears-- That he poured out his woe; seeking nothing to hide; And the little dog listened, his head on one side. "O you little red dog, you are weary as I. It is days, it is months since we saw the blue sky. And it seems weary years since we sniffed at the breeze As it hms thro' the hedges and sings in the trees. These we know and we love. But this city holds fears, O my friend of the road, with the funny prick ears. And for what me we hope from his Worship of Quog?" "Oh, and a bone, and a kick," said the little red dog. <ANTIMG alt="" src="images/glugs-17.jpg"> <hr align="center" width="50%"> <h2>X. THE DEBATE</h2> He was a Glug of simple charm; He wished no living creature harm. His kindly smile like sunlight fell On all about, and wished them well. Yet, 'spite the cheerful soul of Sym, The great Sir Stodge detested him. The stern Sir Stodge and all his Swanks-- Proud Glugs of divers grades and ranks, With learning and attainments great-- Had never learned to conquer hate. And, failing in their A. B. C., Were whipt by Master Destiny. 'Twas thus that Gosh's famous schools Turned out great hordes of learned fools: Turned out the ship without a sail, Turned out the kite with leaden tail, Turned out the mind that could not soar Because of foolish weights it bore. Because there'd been no father Joi To guide the quick mind of a boy Away from thoughts of hate and blame, Wisdom in these was but a name. But 'mid the Glugs they count him wise Who walks with cunning in his eyes. His task well done, his three rhymes writ, Sym rose at morn, and packed his kit. "At last!" he cried. "Off and away To meet again the spendthrift Day, As he comes climbing in the East, To bless with largesse man and beast. "Again the fields where wild things run! And trees, all spreading to the sun, Run not, because, of all things blest, Their chosen place contents them best. 0 come, my little prick-eared dog!" . . . But, "Halt!" exclaimed his Nibs of Quog. "Nay," said the Mayor. "Not so fast! The day climbs high, but sinks at last. And trees, all spreading to the sun, Are slain because they cannot run. The great Sir Stodge, filled full of hate, Has challenged you to hold debate. "On Monday, in the Market Square, He and his Swanks will all be there, Sharp to the tick at half-past two, To knock the stuffing out of you. And if your stuffing so be spread, Then is the Cause of Quog stone dead. "In this debate I'd have you find, With all the cunning of your mind, Sure victory for Quog's great Cause, And swift defeat for Stodge's laws." "But cunning I have none," quoth Sym. The Mayor slowly winked at him. "Ah!" cried his Worship. "Sly; so sly!" (Again he drooped his dexter eye) "I've read you thro'; I've marked you well. You're cunning as an imp from Hell . . . Nay, keep your temper; for I can Withal admire a clever man. "Who rhymes with such a subtle art May never claim a simple part. I'll make of you a Glug of rank, With something handy in the bank, And fixed opinions, which, you know, With fixed deposits always go. "I'll give you anything you crave: A great, high headstone to your grave, A salary, a scarlet coat, A handsome wife, a house, a vote, A title, or a humbled foe." But Sym said, "No," and ever, "No." "Then," shouted Quog, "your aid I claim For Gosh, and in your country's name I bid you fight the Cause of Quog, Or be for ever named a dog! The Cause of Quog, the weal of Gosh Are one! Amen. Down with King Splosh!" Sym looked his Worship in the eye, As solemnly he made reply: "If 'tis to serve my native land, On Monday I shall be at hand. But what am I 'mid such great men?" His Worship winked his eye again . . . 'Twas Monday in the Market Square; Sir Stodge and all his Swanks were there. And almost every Glug in Gosh Had bolted lunch and had a wash And cleaned his boots, and sallied out To gloat upon Sir Stodge's rout. And certain sly and knowing Glugs, With sundry nudges, winks and shrugs, Passed round the hint that up on high, Behind some window near the sky, Where he could see yet not be seen, King Splosh was present with his Queen. "Glugs," said the chairman. "Glugs of Gosh; By order of our good King Splosh, The Tinker and Sir Stodge shall meet, And here, without unseemly heat, Debate the question of the day, Which is--However, let me say-- "I do not wish to waste your time. So, first shall speak this man of rhyme; And, when Sir Stodge has voiced his view, The Glugs shall judge between the two. This verdict from the folk of Gosh Will be accepted by King Splosh." As when, like teasing vagabonds, The sly winds buffet sullen ponds, The face of Stodge grew dark with rage, When Sym stepped forth upon the stage. But all the Glugs, with one accord, A chorus of approval roared. Said Sym: "Kind friends, and fellow Glugs; My trade is mending pots and mugs. I tinker kettles, and I rhyme To please myself and pass the time, Just as my fancy wandereth." ("He's minel" quoth Stodge, below his breath.) Said Sym: "Why I am here to-day I know not; tho' I've heard them say That strife and hatred play some part In this great meeting at the Mart. Nay, brothers, why should hatred lodge . . . "That's ultra vires!" thundered Stodge. "'Tis ultra vires!" cried the Knight. "Besides, it isn't half polite. And e'en the dullest Glug should know, 'Tis not pro bono publico. Nay, Glugs, this fellow is no class. Remember! Vincit veritas!" With sidelong looks and sheepish grins, Like men found out in secret sins, Glug gazed at Glug in nervous dread; Till one with claims to learning said, "Sir Stodge is talking Greek, you know. He may be bad, but never low." Then those who had no word of Greek Felt lifted up to hear him speak. "Ah, learning, learning," others said. 'Tis fine to have a clever head." And here and there a nervous cheer Was heard, and someone growled, "Hear, hear." "Kind friends," said Sym . . . But, at a glance, The 'cute Sir Stodge had seen his chance. "Quid nuncl" he cried. "O noble Glugs, This fellow takes you all for mugs. I ask him, where's his quid pro quo? I ask again, quo warranto? "Shall this man filch our wits from us With his furor poeticus? Nay!" cried Sir Stodge. "You must agree, If you will hark a while to me And at the Glugs' collective head He flung strange language, ages dead. With mystic phrases from the Law, With many an old and rusty saw, With well-worn mottoes, which he took Haphazard from the copy-book, For half an hour the learned Knight Belaboured them with all his might. And, as they wakened from their daze, Their murmurs grew to shouts of praise. Glugs who'd reviled him overnight All in a moment saw the light. "O learned man! 0 seer!" cried they. . . . And education won the day. Then, quickly to Sir Stodge's side There bounded, in a single stride, His Nibs of Quog; and flinging wide His arms, "O victory!" he cried. "I'm with Sir Stodge, 0 Glugs of Gosh! And we have won! Long live King Splosh!" Then pointing angrily at Sym, Cried Quog, "This is the end of him! For months I've marked his crafty dodge, To bring dishonour to Sir Stodge. I've lured him here, the traitrous dog, And shamed him!" quoth his Nibs of Quog. Hoots for the Tinker tore the air, As Sym went, wisely, otherwhere. Cheers for Sir Stodge were long and loud; And, as amid his Swanks he bowed, To mark his thanks and honest pride, His Nibs of Quog bowed by his side. The Thursday after that, at three, The King invited Quog to tea. Quoth Quog, "It was a task to bilk . . . (I thank you; sugar, please, and milk) . . . To bilk this Tinker and his pranks. A scurvy rogue! . . . (Ah, two lumps, thanks.) "A scurvy rogue!" continued Quog. 'Twas easy to outwit the dog. Altho', perhaps, I risked my life-- I've heard he's handy with a knife. Ah, well, 'twas for my country's sake . . . (Thanks; just one slice of currant cake.)" <ANTIMG alt="" src="images/glugs-18.jpg"> <hr align="center" width="50%"> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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