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Diary of a Goose Girl, The

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<h2>CHAPTER III</h2> July 8th. Thornycroft is by way of being a small poultry farm. In reaching it from Barbury Green, you take the first left-hand road, go till you drop, and there you are. It reminds me of my “grandmother’s farm at Older.”  Did you know the song when you were a child?— <blockquote>My grandmother had a very fine farm    ‘Way down in the fields of Older.       With a cluck-cluck here,       And a cluck-cluck there,       Here and there a cluck-cluck,       Cluck-cluck here and there,    Down in the fields at Older. </blockquote> It goes on for ever by the simple subterfuge of changing a few words in each verse. <blockquote>My grandmother had a very fine farm    ‘Way down in the fields of Older.       With a quack-quack here,       And a quack-quack there,       Here and there a quack-quack,       Quack-quack here and there,    Down in the fields at Older. </blockquote> This is followed by the gobble-gobble, moo-moo, baa-baa, etc., as long as the laureate’s imagination and the infant’s breath hold good.  The tune is pretty, and I do not know, or did not, when I was young, a more fascinating lyric. <ANTIMG alt="The sitting hens" src="images/p17s.jpg" /> Thornycroft House must have belonged to a country gentleman once upon a time, or to more than one; men who built on a bit here and there once in a hundred years, until finally we have this charmingly irregular and dilapidated whole.  You go up three steps into Mrs. Heaven’s room, down two into mine, while Ph&oelig;be’s is up in a sort of turret with long, narrow lattices opening into the creepers.  There are crooked little stair-cases, passages that branch off into other passages and lead nowhere in particular; I can’t think of a better house in which to play hide and seek on a wet day.  In front, what was once, doubtless, a green, is cut up into greens; to wit, a vegetable garden, where the onions, turnips, and potatoes grow cosily up to the very door-sill; the utilitarian aspect of it all being varied by some scarlet-runners and a scattering of poppies on either side of the path. The Belgian hares have their habitation in a corner fifty feet distant; one large enclosure for poultry lies just outside the sweetbrier hedge; the others, with all the houses and coops, are in the meadow at the back, where also our tumbler pigeons are kept. Ph&oelig;be attends to the poultry; it is her department.  Mr. Heaven has neither the force nor the finesse required, and the gentle reader who thinks these qualities unneeded in so humble a calling has only to spend a few days at Thornycroft to be convinced.  Mrs. Heaven would be of use, but she is dressing the Square Baby in the morning and putting him to bed at night just at the hours when the feathered young things are undergoing the same operation. A Goose Girl, like a poet, is sometimes born, sometimes otherwise.  I am of the born variety.  No training was necessary; I put my head on my pillow as a complicated product of modern civilisation on a Tuesday night, and on a Wednesday morning I awoke as a Goose Girl. <ANTIMG alt="Hens . . . go to bed at a virtuous hour" src="images/p19s.jpg" /> My destiny slumbered during the day, but at eight o’clock I heard a terrific squawking in the direction of the duck-ponds, and, aimlessly drifting in that direction, I came upon Ph&oelig;be trying to induce ducks and drakes, geese and ganders, to retire for the night.  They have to be driven into enclosures behind fences of wire netting, fastened into little rat-proof boxes, or shut into separate coops, so as to be safe from their natural enemies, the rats and foxes; which, obeying, I suppose, the law of supply and demand, abound in this neighbourhood.  The old ganders are allowed their liberty, being of such age, discretion, sagacity, and pugnacity that they can be trusted to fight their own battles. <ANTIMG alt="Ducks and geese . . . would roam the streets till morning" src="images/p20s.jpg" /> The intelligence of hens, though modest, is of such an order that it prompts them to go to bed at a virtuous hour of their own accord; but ducks and geese have to be materially assisted, or I believe they would roam till morning.  Never did small boy detest and resist being carried off to his nursery as these dullards, young and old, detest and resist being driven to theirs.  Whether they suffer from insomnia, or nightmare, or whether they simply prefer the sweet air of liberty (and death) to the odour of captivity and the coop, I have no means of knowing. <ANTIMG alt="The pole was not long enough" src="images/p21s.jpg" /> Ph&oelig;be stood by one of the duck-ponds, a long pole in her hand, and a helpless expression in that doughlike countenance of hers, where aimless contours and features unite to make a kind of facial blur.  (What does the carrier see in it?)  The pole was not long enough to reach the ducks, and Ph&oelig;be’s method lacked spirit and adroitness, so that it was natural, perhaps, that they refused to leave the water, the evening being warm, with an uncommon fine sunset. <ANTIMG alt="They . . . waddle under the wrong fence" src="images/p22.jpg" /> I saw the situation at once and ran to meet it with a glow of interest and anticipation.  If there is anything in the world I enjoy, it is making somebody do something that he doesn’t want to do; and if, when victory perches upon my banner, the somebody can be brought to say that he ought to have done it without my making him, that adds the unforgettable touch to pleasure, though seldom, alas! does it happen.  Then ensued the delightful and stimulating hour that has now become a feature of the day; an hour in which the remembrance of the table-d’hôte dinner at the Hydro, going on at identically the same time, only stirs me to a keener joy and gratitude. <ANTIMG alt="Honking and hissing like a bewildered orchestra" src="images/p23.jpg" /> <ANTIMG alt="Harried and pecked by the big geese" src="images/p24s.jpg" /> The ducks swim round in circles, hide under the willows, and attempt to creep into the rat-holes in the banks, a stupidity so crass that it merits instant death, which it somehow always escapes.  Then they come out in couples and waddle under the wrong fence into the lower meadow, fly madly under the tool-house, pitch blindly in with the sitting hens, and out again in short order, all the time quacking and squawking, honking and hissing like a bewildered orchestra.  By dint of splashing the water with poles, throwing pebbles, beating the shrubs at the pond’s edges, “shooing” frantically with our skirts, crawling beneath bars to head them off, and prodding them from under bushes to urge them on, we finally get the older ones out of the water and the younger ones into some sort of relation to their various retreats; but, owing to their lack of geography, hatred of home, and general recalcitrancy, they none of them turn up in the right place and have to be sorted out.  We uncover the top of the little house, or the enclosure as it may be, or reach in at the door, and, seizing the struggling victim, drag him forth and take him where he should have had the wit to go in the first instance.  The weak ones get in with the strong and are in danger of being trampled; two May goslings that look almost full-grown have run into a house with a brood of ducklings a week old.  There are twenty-seven crowded into one coop, five in another, nineteen in another; the gosling with one leg has to come out, and the duckling threatened with the gapes; their place is with the “invaleeds,” as Ph&oelig;be calls them, but they never learn the location of the hospital, nor have the slightest scruple about spreading contagious diseases. <ANTIMG alt="In solitary splendour" src="images/p25s.jpg" /> Finally, when we have separated and sorted exhaustively, an operation in which Ph&oelig;be shows a delicacy of discrimination and a fearlessness of attack amounting to genius, we count the entire number and find several missing.  Searching for their animate or inanimate bodies, we “scoop” one from under the tool-house, chance upon two more who are being harried and pecked by the big geese in the lower meadow, and discover one sailing by himself in solitary splendour in the middle of the deserted pond, a look of evil triumph in his bead-like eye.  Still we lack one young duckling, and he at length is found dead by the hedge.  A rat has evidently seized him and choked him at a single throttle, but in such haste that he has not had time to carry away the tiny body. “Poor think!” says Ph&oelig;be tearfully; “it looks as if it was ’it with some kind of a wepping.  I don’t know whatever to do with the rats, they’re gettin’ that fearocious!” Before I was admitted into daily contact with the living goose (my previous intercourse with him having been carried on when gravy and stuffing obscured his true personality), I thought him a very Dreyfus among fowls, a sorely slandered bird, to whom justice had never been done; for even the gentle Darwin is hard upon him.  My opinion is undergoing some slight modifications, but I withhold judgment at present, hoping that some of the follies, faults, vagaries, and limitations that I observe in Ph&oelig;be’s geese may be due to Ph&oelig;be’s educational methods, which were, before my advent, those of the darkest ages. <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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