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Esther Waters

<h2 id="id01909" style="margin-top: 4em">XXIX</h2> If Fred had said, "Come away with me," Esther would have obeyed the elemental romanticism which is so fixed a principle in woman's nature. But when she called at the shop he only spoke of his holiday, of the long walks he had taken, and the religious and political meetings he had attended. Esther listened vaguely; and there was in her mind unconscious regret that he was not a little different. Little irrelevant thoughts came upon her. She would like him better if he wore coloured neckties and a short jacket; she wished half of him away—his dowdiness, his sandy-coloured hair, the vague eyes, the black neckties, the long loose frock-coat. But his voice was keen and ringing, and when listening her heart always went out to him, and she felt that she might fearlessly entrust her life to him. But he did not seem wholly to understand her, and day by day, against her will, the thought gripped her more and more closely that she could not separate Jackie from his father. She would have to tell Fred the whole truth, and he would not understand it; that she knew. But it would have to be done, and she sent round to say she'd like to see him when he left business. Would he step round about eight o'clock? The clock had hardly struck eight when she heard a tap at the window. She opened the door and he came in, surprised by the silence with which she received him. "I hope nothing has happened. Is anything the matter?" "Yes, a great deal's the matter. I'm afraid we shall never be married, Fred, that's what's the matter." "How's that, Esther? What can prevent us getting married?" She did not answer, and then he said, "You've not ceased to care for me?" "No, that's not it." "Jackie's father has come back?" "You've hit it, that's what happened." "I'm sorry that man has come across you again. I thought you told me he was married. But, Esther, don't keep me in suspense; what has he done?" "Sit down; don't stand staring at me in that way, and I'll tell you the story." Then in a strained voice, in which there was genuine suffering, Esther told her story, laying special stress on the fact that she had done her best to prevent him from seeing the child. "I don't see how you could have forbidden him access to the child." He often used words that Esther did not understand, but guessing his meaning, she answered— "That's just what the missus said; she argued me into taking him to see the child. I knew once he'd seen Jackie there'd be no getting rid of him. I shall never get rid of him again." "He has no claim upon you. It is just like him, low blackguard fellow that he is, to come after you, persecuting you. But don't you fear; you leave him to me. I'll find a way of stopping his little game." Esther looked at his frail figure. "You can do nothing; no one can do nothing," she said, and the tears trembled in her handsome eyes. "He wants me to go away and live with him, so that his wife may be able to divorce him." "Wants you to go away and live with him! But surely, Esther, you do not——" "Yes, he wants me to go and live with him, so that his wife can get a divorce," Esther answered, for the suspense irritated her; "and how can I refuse to go with him?" "Esther, are you serious? You cannot… You told me that you did not love him, and after all——" He waited for Esther to speak. "Yes," she said very quickly, "there is no way out of it that I can see." "Esther, that man has tempted you, and you have not prayed." She did not answer. "I don't want to hear more of this," he said, catching up his hat. "I shouldn't have believed it if I had not heard it from your lips; no, not if the whole world had told me. You are in love with this man, though you may not know it, and you've invented this story as a pretext to throw me over. Good-bye, Esther." "Fred, dear, listen, hear me out. You'll not go away in that hasty way. You're the only friend I have. Let me explain." "Explain! how can such things be explained?" "That's what I thought until all this happened to me. I have suffered dreadful in the last few days. I've wept bitter tears, and I thought of all you said about the 'ome you was going to give me." Her sincerity was unmistakable, and Fred doubted her no longer. "I'm very fond of you, Fred, and if things had been different I think I might have made you a good wife. But it wasn't to be." "Esther, I don't understand. You need never see this man again if you don't wish it." "Nay, nay, things ain't so easily changed as all that. He's the father of my child, he's got money, and he'll leave his money to his child if he's made Jackie's father in the eyes of the law." "That can be done without your going to live with him." "Not as he wants. I know what he wants; he wants a 'ome, and he won't be put off with less." "How men can be so wicked as——" "No, you do him wrong. He ain't no more wicked than another; he's just one of the ordinary sort—not much better or worse. If he'd been a real bad lot it would have been better for us, for then he'd never have come between us. You're beginning to understand, Fred, ain't you? If I don't go with him my boy'll lose everything. He wants a 'ome—a real 'ome with children, and if he can't get me he'll go after another woman." "And are you jealous?" "No, Fred. But think if we was to marry. As like as not I should have children, and they'd be more in your sight than my boy." "Esther, I promise that——" "Just so, Fred; even if you loved him like your own, you can't make sure that he'd love you." "Jackie and I——" "Ah, yes; he'd have liked you well enough if he'd never seen his father. But he's that keen on his father, and it would be worse later on. He'd never be contented in our 'ome. He'd be always after him, and then I should never see him, and he would be led away into betting and drink." "If his father is that sort of man, the best chance for Jackie would be to keep him out of his way. If he gets divorced and marries another woman he will forget all about Jackie." "Yes, that might be," said Esther, and Fred pursued his advantage. But, interrupting him, Esther said— "Anyway, Jackie would lose all his father's money; the public-house would—" "So you're going to live in a public-house, Esther?" "A woman must be with her husband." "But he's not your husband; he's another woman's husband." "He's to marry me when he gets his divorce." "He may desert you and leave you with another child." "You can't say nothing I ain't thought of already. I must put up with the risk. I suppose it is a part of the punishment for the first sin. We can't do wrong without being punished—at least women can't. But I thought I'd been punished enough." "The second sin is worse than the first. A married man, Esther—you who I thought so religious." "Ah, religion is easy enough at times, but there is other times when it don't seem to fit in with one's duty. I may be wrong, but it seems natural like—he's the father of my child." "I'm afraid your mind is made up, Esther. Think twice before it's too late." "Fred, I can't help myself—can't you see that? Don't make it harder for me by talking like that." "When are you going to him?" "To-night; he's waiting for me." "Then good-bye, Esther, good—" "But you'll come and see us." "I hope you'll be happy, Esther, but I don't think we shall see much more of each other. You know that I do not frequent public-houses." "Yes, I know; but you might come and see me in the morning when we're doing no business." Fred smiled sadly. "Then you won't come?" she said. "Good-bye, Esther." They shook hands, and he went out hurriedly. She dashed a tear from her eyes, and went upstairs to her mistress, who had rung for her. Miss Rice was in her easy-chair, reading. A long, slanting ray entered the room; the bead curtain glittered, and so peaceful was the impression that Esther could not but perceive the contrast between her own troublous life and the contented privacy of this slender little spinster's. "Well, miss," she said, "it's all over. I've told him." "Have you, Esther?" said Miss Rice. Her white, delicate hands fell over the closed volume. She wore two little colourless rings and a ruby ring which caught the light. "Yes, miss, I've told him all. He seemed a good deal cut up. I couldn't help crying myself, for I could have made him a good wife—I'm sure I could; but it wasn't to be." "You've told him you were going off to live with William?" "Yes, miss; there's nothing like telling the whole truth while you're about it. I told him I was going off to-night." "He's a very religious young man?" "Yes, miss; he spoke to me about religion, but I told him I didn't want Jackie to be a fatherless boy, and to lose any money he might have a right to. It don't look right to go and live with a married man; but you knows, miss, how I'm situated, and you knows that I'm only doing it because it seems for the best." "What did he say to that?" "Nothing much, miss, except that I might get left a second time—and, he wasn't slow to add, with another child." "Have you thought of that danger, Esther?" "Yes, miss, I've thought of everything; but thinking don't change nothing. Things remain just the same, and you've to chance it in the end—leastways a woman has. Not on the likes of you, miss, but the likes of us." "Yes," said Miss Rice reflectively, "it is always the woman who is sacrificed." And her thought went back for a moment to the novel she was writing. It seemed to her pale and conventional compared with this rough page torn out of life. She wondered if she could treat the subject. She passed in review the names of some writers who could do justice to it, and then her eyes went from her bookcase to Esther. "So you're going to live in a public-house, Esther? You're going to-night? I've paid you everything I owe you?" "Yes, miss, you have; you've been very kind to me, indeed you have, miss—I shall never forget you, miss. I've been very happy in your service, and should like nothing better than to remain on with you." "All I can say, Esther, is that you have been a very good servant, and I'm very sorry to part with you. And I hope you'll remember if things do not turn out as well as you expect them to, that I shall always be glad to do anything in my power to help you. You'll always find a friend in me. When are you going?" "As soon as my box is packed, miss, and I shall have about finished by the time the new servant comes in. She's expected at nine; there she is, miss—that's the area bell. Good-bye, miss." Miss Rice involuntarily held out her hand. Esther took it, and thus encouraged she said— "There never was anyone that clear-headed and warm-hearted as yerself, miss. I may have a lot of trouble, miss…. If I wasn't yer servant I'd like to kiss you." Miss Rice did not answer, and before she was aware, Esther had taken her in her arms and kissed her. "You're not angry with me, miss; I couldn't help myself." "No, Esther, I'm not angry." "I must go now and let her in." Miss Rice walked towards her writing-table, and a sense of the solitude of her life coming upon her suddenly caused her to burst into tears. It was one of those moments of effusion which take women unawares. But her new servant was coming upstairs and she had to dry her eyes. Soon after she heard the cabman's feet on the staircase as he went up for Esther's box. They brought it down together, and Miss Rice heard her beg of him to be careful of the paint. The girl had been a good and faithful servant to her; she was sorry to lose her. And Esther was equally sorry that anyone but herself should have the looking after of that dear, kind soul. But what could she do? She was going to be married. She did not doubt that William was going to marry her; and the cab had hardly entered the Brompton Road when her thoughts were fully centred in the life that awaited her. This sudden change of feeling surprised her, and she excused herself with the recollection that she had striven hard for Fred, but as she had failed to get him, it was only right that she should think of her husband. Then quite involuntarily the thought sprang upon her that he was a fine fellow, and she remembered the line of his stalwart figure as he walked down the street. There would be a parlour behind the bar, in which she would sit. She would be mistress of the house. There would be a servant, a potboy, and perhaps a barmaid. The cab swerved round the Circus, and she wondered if she were capable of conducting a business like the "King's Head." It was the end of a fine September evening, and the black, crooked perspectives of Soho seemed as if they were roofed with gold. A slight mist was rising, and at the end of every street the figures appeared and disappeared mysteriously in blue shadow. She had never been in this part of London before; the adventure stimulated her imagination, and she wondered where she was going and which of the many public-houses was hers. But the cabman jingled past every one. It seemed as if he were never going to pull up. At last he stopped at the corner of Dean Street and Old Compton Street, nearly opposite a cab rank. The cabmen were inside, having a glass; the usual vagrant was outside, looking after the horses. He offered to take down Esther's box, and when she asked him if he had seen Mr. Latch he took her round to the private bar. The door was pushed open, and Esther saw William leaning over the counter wrapped in conversation with a small, thin man. They were both smoking, their glasses were filled, and the sporting paper was spread out before them. "Oh, so here you are at last," said William, coming towards her. "I expected you an hour ago." "The new servant was late, and I couldn't leave before she came." "Never mind; glad you've come." Esther felt that the little man was staring hard at her. He was John Randal, or Mr. Leopold, as they used to call him at Barfield. Mr. Leopold shook hands with Esther, and he muttered a "Glad to see you again," But it was the welcome of a man who regards a woman's presence as an intrusion, and Esther understood the quiet contempt with which he looked at William. "Can't keep away from them," his face said for one brief moment. William asked Esther what she'd take to drink, and Mr. Leopold looked at his watch and said he must be getting home. "Try to come round to-morrow night if you've an hour to spare." "Then you don't think you'll go to Newmarket?" "No, I don't think I shall do much in the betting way this year. But come round to-morrow night if you can; you'll find me here. I must be here to-morrow night," he said, turning to Esther; "I'll tell you presently." Then the men had a few more words, and William bade John good-night. Coming back to Esther, he said— "What do you think of the place? Cosy, ain't it?" But before she had time to reply he said, "You've brought me good luck. I won two 'undred and fifty pounds to-day, and the money will come in very 'andy, for Jim Stevens, that's my partner, has agreed to take half the money on account and a bill of sale for the rest. There he is; I'll introduce you to him. Jim, come this way, will you?" "In a moment, when I've finished drawing this 'ere glass of beer," answered a thick-set, short-limbed man. He was in his shirt-sleeves, and he crossed the bar wiping the beer from his hands. "Let me introduce you to a very particular friend of mine, Jim, Miss Waters." "Very 'appy, I'm sure, to make your acquaintance," said Jim, and he extended his fat hand across the counter. "You and my partner are, I 'ear, going to take this 'ere 'ouse off my hands. Well, you ought to make a good thing of it. There's always room for a 'ouse that supplies good liquor. What can I hoffer you, madam? Some of our whisky has been fourteen years in bottle; or, being a lady, perhaps you'd like to try some of our best unsweetened." Esther declined, but William said they could not leave without drinking the health of the house. "Irish or Scotch, ma'am? Mr. Latch drinks Scotch." Seeing that she could not avoid taking something, Esther decided that she would try the unsweetened. The glasses were clinked across the counter, and William whispered, "This isn't what we sell to the public; this is our own special tipple. You didn't notice, perhaps, but he took the bottle from the third row on the left." At that moment Esther's cabman came in and wanted to know if he was to have the box taken down. William said it had better remain where it was. "I don't think I told you I'm not living here; my partner has the upper part of the house, but he says he'll be ready to turn out at the end of the week. I'm living in lodgings near Shaftesbury Avenue, so we'd better keep the cab on." Esther looked disappointed, but said nothing. William said he'd stand the cabby a drink, and, winking at Esther, he whispered, "Third row on the left, partner." <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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