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<h2> BETSEY AND I ARE OUT. </h2>
<p>Draw up the papers, lawyer, and make 'em good and stout;<br/> For
things at home are crossways, and Betsey and I are out.<br/> We, who
have worked together so long as man and wife,<br/> Must pull in
single harness for the rest of our nat'ral life.</p>
<p>"What is the matter?" say you. I swan it's hard to tell!<br/> Most
of the years behind us we've passed by very well;<br/> I have no
other woman, she has no other man—<br/> Only we've lived
together as long as we ever can.</p>
<p>So I have talked with Betsey, and Betsey has talked with me,<br/>
And so we've agreed together that we can't never agree;<br/> Not
that we've catched each other in any terrible crime;<br/> We've been
a-gathering this for years, a little at a time.</p>
<p>There was a stock of temper we both had for a start,<br/> Although
we never suspected 'twould take us two apart;<br/> I had my various
failings, bred in the flesh and bone;<br/> And Betsey, like all good
women, had a temper of her own.</p>
<p>The first thing I remember whereon we disagreed<br/> Was something
concerning heaven—a difference in our creed;<br/> We arg'ed
the thing at breakfast, we arg'ed the thing at tea,<br/> And the
more we arg'ed the question the more we didn't agree.</p>
<p>And the next that I remember was when we lost a cow;<br/> She had
kicked the bucket for certain, the question was only—How?<br/>
I held my own opinion, and Betsey another had;<br/> And when we were
done a-talkin', we both of us was mad.</p>
<p>And the next that I remember, it started in a joke;<br/> But full
for a week it lasted, and neither of us spoke.<br/> And the next was
when I scolded because she broke a bowl;<br/> And she said I was
mean and stingy, and hadn't any soul.</p>
<p>And so that bowl kept pourin' dissensions in our cup;<br/> And so
that blamed cow-critter was always a-comin' up;<br/> And so that
heaven we arg'ed no nearer to us got,<br/> But it gave us a taste of
somethin' a thousand times as hot.</p>
<p>And so the thing kept workin', and all the self-same way;<br/>
Always somethin' to arg'e, and somethin' sharp to say;<br/> And down
on us came the neighbors, a couple dozen strong,<br/> And lent their
kindest sarvice for to help the thing along.</p>
<p>And there has been days together—and many a weary week—<br/>
We was both of us cross and spunky, and both too proud to speak;<br/>
And I have been thinkin' and thinkin', the whole of the winter and
fall,<br/> If I can't live kind with a woman, why, then, I won't at
all.</p>
<p>And so I have talked with Betsey, and Betsey has talked with me,<br/>
And we have agreed together that we can't never agree;<br/> And what
is hers shall be hers, and what is mine shall be mine;<br/> And I'll
put it in the agreement, and take it to her to sign.</p>
<p>Write on the paper, lawyer—the very first paragraph—<br/>
Of all the farm and live-stock that she shall have her half;<br/>
For she has helped to earn it, through many a weary day,<br/> And
it's nothing more than justice that Betsey has her pay.</p>
<p>Give her the house and homestead—a man can thrive and roam;<br/>
But women are skeery critters, unless they have a home;<br/> And I
have always determined, and never failed to say,<br/> That Betsey
never should want a home if I was taken away.</p>
<p>There is a little hard money that's drawin' tol'rable pay:<br/> A
couple of hundred dollars laid by for a rainy day;<br/> Safe in the
hands of good men, and easy to get at;<br/> Put in another clause
there, and give her half of that.</p>
<p>Yes, I see you smile, Sir, at my givin' her so much;<br/> Yes,
divorce is cheap, Sir, but I take no stock in such!<br/> True and
fair I married her, when she was blithe and young;<br/> And Betsey
was al'ays good to me, exceptin' with her tongue.</p>
<p>Once, when I was young as you, and not so smart, perhaps,<br/> For
me she mittened a lawyer, and several other chaps;<br/> And all of
them was flustered, and fairly taken down,<br/> And I for a time was
counted the luckiest man in town.</p>
<p>Once when I had a fever—I won't forget it soon—<br/> I
was hot as a basted turkey and crazy as a loon;<br/> Never an hour
went by me when she was out of sight—<br/> She nursed me true
and tender, and stuck to me day and night.</p>
<p>And if ever a house was tidy, and ever a kitchen clean,<br/> Her
house and kitchen was tidy as any I ever seen;<br/> And I don't
complain of Betsey, or any of her acts,<br/> Exceptin' when we've
quarreled, and told each other facts.</p>
<p>So draw up the paper, lawyer, and I'll go home to-night,<br/> And
read the agreement to her, and see if it's all right;<br/> And then,
in the mornin', I'll sell to a tradin' man I know,<br/> And kiss the
child that was left to us, and out in the world I'll go.</p>
<p>And one thing put in the paper, that first to me didn't occur:<br/>
That when I am dead at last she'll bring me back to her;<br/> And
lay me under the maples I planted years ago,<br/> When she and I was
happy before we quarreled so.</p>
<p>And when she dies I wish that she would be laid by me,<br/> And,
lyin' together in silence, perhaps we will agree;<br/> And, if ever
we meet in heaven, I wouldn't think it queer<br/> If we loved each
other the better because we quarreled here.</p>
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