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This Side of Paradise (version 2)

<h2> CHAPTER 2. Experiments in Convalescence </h2> The Knickerbocker Bar, beamed upon by Maxfield Parrish's jovial, colorful "Old King Cole," was well crowded. Amory stopped in the entrance and looked at his wrist-watch; he wanted particularly to know the time, for something in his mind that catalogued and classified liked to chip things off cleanly. Later it would satisfy him in a vague way to be able to think "that thing ended at exactly twenty minutes after eight on Thursday, June 10, 1919." This was allowing for the walk from her house—a walk concerning which he had afterward not the faintest recollection. He was in rather grotesque condition: two days of worry and nervousness, of sleepless nights, of untouched meals, culminating in the emotional crisis and Rosalind's abrupt decision—the strain of it had drugged the foreground of his mind into a merciful coma. As he fumbled clumsily with the olives at the free-lunch table, a man approached and spoke to him, and the olives dropped from his nervous hands. "Well, Amory..." It was some one he had known at Princeton; he had no idea of the name. "Hello, old boy—" he heard himself saying. "Name's Jim Wilson—you've forgotten." "Sure, you bet, Jim. I remember." "Going to reunion?" "You know!" Simultaneously he realized that he was not going to reunion. "Get overseas?" Amory nodded, his eyes staring oddly. Stepping back to let some one pass, he knocked the dish of olives to a crash on the floor. "Too bad," he muttered. "Have a drink?" Wilson, ponderously diplomatic, reached over and slapped him on the back. "You've had plenty, old boy." Amory eyed him dumbly until Wilson grew embarrassed under the scrutiny. "Plenty, hell!" said Amory finally. "I haven't had a drink to-day." Wilson looked incredulous. "Have a drink or not?" cried Amory rudely. Together they sought the bar. "Rye high." "I'll just take a Bronx." Wilson had another; Amory had several more. They decided to sit down. At ten o'clock Wilson was displaced by Carling, class of '15. Amory, his head spinning gorgeously, layer upon layer of soft satisfaction setting over the bruised spots of his spirit, was discoursing volubly on the war. "'S a mental was'e," he insisted with owl-like wisdom. "Two years my life spent inalleshual vacuity. Los' idealism, got be physcal anmal," he shook his fist expressively at Old King Cole, "got be Prussian 'bout ev'thing, women 'specially. Use' be straight 'bout women college. Now don'givadam." He expressed his lack of principle by sweeping a seltzer bottle with a broad gesture to noisy extinction on the floor, but this did not interrupt his speech. "Seek pleasure where find it for to-morrow die. 'At's philos'phy for me now on." Carling yawned, but Amory, waxing brilliant, continued: "Use' wonder 'bout things—people satisfied compromise, fif'y-fif'y att'tude on life. Now don' wonder, don' wonder—" He became so emphatic in impressing on Carling the fact that he didn't wonder that he lost the thread of his discourse and concluded by announcing to the bar at large that he was a "physcal anmal." "What are you celebrating, Amory?" Amory leaned forward confidentially. "Cel'brating blowmylife. Great moment blow my life. Can't tell you 'bout it—" He heard Carling addressing a remark to the bartender: "Give him a bromo-seltzer." Amory shook his head indignantly. "None that stuff!" "But listen, Amory, you're making yourself sick. You're white as a ghost." Amory considered the question. He tried to look at himself in the mirror but even by squinting up one eye could only see as far as the row of bottles behind the bar. "Like som'n solid. We go get some—some salad." He settled his coat with an attempt at nonchalance, but letting go of the bar was too much for him, and he slumped against a chair. "We'll go over to Shanley's," suggested Carling, offering an elbow. With this assistance Amory managed to get his legs in motion enough to propel him across Forty-second Street. Shanley's was very dim. He was conscious that he was talking in a loud voice, very succinctly and convincingly, he thought, about a desire to crush people under his heel. He consumed three club sandwiches, devouring each as though it were no larger than a chocolate-drop. Then Rosalind began popping into his mind again, and he found his lips forming her name over and over. Next he was sleepy, and he had a hazy, listless sense of people in dress suits, probably waiters, gathering around the table.... ... He was in a room and Carling was saying something about a knot in his shoe-lace. "Nemmine," he managed to articulate drowsily. "Sleep in 'em...." <hr /> STILL ALCOHOLIC He awoke laughing and his eyes lazily roamed his surroundings, evidently a bedroom and bath in a good hotel. His head was whirring and picture after picture was forming and blurring and melting before his eyes, but beyond the desire to laugh he had no entirely conscious reaction. He reached for the 'phone beside his bed. "Hello—what hotel is this—? "Knickerbocker? All right, send up two rye high-balls—" He lay for a moment and wondered idly whether they'd send up a bottle or just two of those little glass containers. Then, with an effort, he struggled out of bed and ambled into the bathroom. When he emerged, rubbing himself lazily with a towel, he found the bar boy with the drinks and had a sudden desire to kid him. On reflection he decided that this would be undignified, so he waved him away. As the new alcohol tumbled into his stomach and warmed him, the isolated pictures began slowly to form a cinema reel of the day before. Again he saw Rosalind curled weeping among the pillows, again he felt her tears against his cheek. Her words began ringing in his ears: "Don't ever forget me, Amory—don't ever forget me—" "Hell!" he faltered aloud, and then he choked and collapsed on the bed in a shaken spasm of grief. After a minute he opened his eyes and regarded the ceiling. "Damned fool!" he exclaimed in disgust, and with a voluminous sigh rose and approached the bottle. After another glass he gave way loosely to the luxury of tears. Purposely he called up into his mind little incidents of the vanished spring, phrased to himself emotions that would make him react even more strongly to sorrow. "We were so happy," he intoned dramatically, "so very happy." Then he gave way again and knelt beside the bed, his head half-buried in the pillow. "My own girl—my own—Oh—" He clinched his teeth so that the tears streamed in a flood from his eyes. "Oh... my baby girl, all I had, all I wanted!... Oh, my girl, come back, come back! I need you... need you... we're so pitiful ... just misery we brought each other.... She'll be shut away from me.... I can't see her; I can't be her friend. It's got to be that way—it's got to be—" And then again: "We've been so happy, so very happy...." He rose to his feet and threw himself on the bed in an ecstasy of sentiment, and then lay exhausted while he realized slowly that he had been very drunk the night before, and that his head was spinning again wildly. He laughed, rose, and crossed again to Lethe.... At noon he ran into a crowd in the Biltmore bar, and the riot began again. He had a vague recollection afterward of discussing French poetry with a British officer who was introduced to him as "Captain Corn, of his Majesty's Foot," and he remembered attempting to recite "Clair de Lune" at luncheon; then he slept in a big, soft chair until almost five o'clock when another crowd found and woke him; there followed an alcoholic dressing of several temperaments for the ordeal of dinner. They selected theatre tickets at Tyson's for a play that had a four-drink programme—a play with two monotonous voices, with turbid, gloomy scenes, and lighting effects that were hard to follow when his eyes behaved so amazingly. He imagined afterward that it must have been "The Jest."... ... Then the Cocoanut Grove, where Amory slept again on a little balcony outside. Out in Shanley's, Yonkers, he became almost logical, and by a careful control of the number of high-balls he drank, grew quite lucid and garrulous. He found that the party consisted of five men, two of whom he knew slightly; he became righteous about paying his share of the expense and insisted in a loud voice on arranging everything then and there to the amusement of the tables around him.... Some one mentioned that a famous cabaret star was at the next table, so Amory rose and, approaching gallantly, introduced himself... this involved him in an argument, first with her escort and then with the headwaiter—Amory's attitude being a lofty and exaggerated courtesy... he consented, after being confronted with irrefutable logic, to being led back to his own table. "Decided to commit suicide," he announced suddenly. "When? Next year?" "Now. To-morrow morning. Going to take a room at the Commodore, get into a hot bath and open a vein." "He's getting morbid!" "You need another rye, old boy!" "We'll all talk it over to-morrow." But Amory was not to be dissuaded, from argument at least. "Did you ever get that way?" he demanded confidentially fortaccio. "Sure!" "Often?" "My chronic state." This provoked discussion. One man said that he got so depressed sometimes that he seriously considered it. Another agreed that there was nothing to live for. "Captain Corn," who had somehow rejoined the party, said that in his opinion it was when one's health was bad that one felt that way most. Amory's suggestion was that they should each order a Bronx, mix broken glass in it, and drink it off. To his relief no one applauded the idea, so having finished his high-ball, he balanced his chin in his hand and his elbow on the table—a most delicate, scarcely noticeable sleeping position, he assured himself—and went into a deep stupor.... He was awakened by a woman clinging to him, a pretty woman, with brown, disarranged hair and dark blue eyes. "Take me home!" she cried. "Hello!" said Amory, blinking. "I like you," she announced tenderly. "I like you too." He noticed that there was a noisy man in the background and that one of his party was arguing with him. "Fella I was with's a damn fool," confided the blue-eyed woman. "I hate him. I want to go home with you." "You drunk?" queried Amory with intense wisdom. She nodded coyly. "Go home with him," he advised gravely. "He brought you." At this point the noisy man in the background broke away from his detainers and approached. "Say!" he said fiercely. "I brought this girl out here and you're butting in!" Amory regarded him coldly, while the girl clung to him closer. "You let go that girl!" cried the noisy man. Amory tried to make his eyes threatening. "You go to hell!" he directed finally, and turned his attention to the girl. "Love first sight," he suggested. "I love you," she breathed and nestled close to him. She did have beautiful eyes. Some one leaned over and spoke in Amory's ear. "That's just Margaret Diamond. She's drunk and this fellow here brought her. Better let her go." "Let him take care of her, then!" shouted Amory furiously. "I'm no W. Y. C. A. worker, am I?—am I?" "Let her go!" "It's her hanging on, damn it! Let her hang!" The crowd around the table thickened. For an instant a brawl threatened, but a sleek waiter bent back Margaret Diamond's fingers until she released her hold on Amory, whereupon she slapped the waiter furiously in the face and flung her arms about her raging original escort. "Oh, Lord!" cried Amory. "Let's go!" "Come on, the taxis are getting scarce!" "Check, waiter." "C'mon, Amory. Your romance is over." Amory laughed. "You don't know how true you spoke. No idea. 'At's the whole trouble." <hr /> AMORY ON THE LABOR QUESTION Two mornings later he knocked at the president's door at Bascome and Barlow's advertising agency. "Come in!" Amory entered unsteadily. "'Morning, Mr. Barlow." Mr. Barlow brought his glasses to the inspection and set his mouth slightly ajar that he might better listen. "Well, Mr. Blaine. We haven't seen you for several days." "No," said Amory. "I'm quitting." "Well—well—this is—" "I don't like it here." "I'm sorry. I thought our relations had been quite—ah—pleasant. You seemed to be a hard worker—a little inclined perhaps to write fancy copy—" "I just got tired of it," interrupted Amory rudely. "It didn't matter a damn to me whether Harebell's flour was any better than any one else's. In fact, I never ate any of it. So I got tired of telling people about it—oh, I know I've been drinking—" Mr. Barlow's face steeled by several ingots of expression. "You asked for a position—" Amory waved him to silence. "And I think I was rottenly underpaid. Thirty-five dollars a week—less than a good carpenter." "You had just started. You'd never worked before," said Mr. Barlow coolly. "But it took about ten thousand dollars to educate me where I could write your darned stuff for you. Anyway, as far as length of service goes, you've got stenographers here you've paid fifteen a week for five years." "I'm not going to argue with you, sir," said Mr. Barlow rising. "Neither am I. I just wanted to tell you I'm quitting." They stood for a moment looking at each other impassively and then Amory turned and left the office. <hr /> A LITTLE LULL Four days after that he returned at last to the apartment. Tom was engaged on a book review for The New Democracy on the staff of which he was employed. They regarded each other for a moment in silence. "Well?" "Well?" "Good Lord, Amory, where'd you get the black eye—and the jaw?" Amory laughed. "That's a mere nothing." He peeled off his coat and bared his shoulders. "Look here!" Tom emitted a low whistle. "What hit you?" Amory laughed again. "Oh, a lot of people. I got beaten up. Fact." He slowly replaced his shirt. "It was bound to come sooner or later and I wouldn't have missed it for anything." "Who was it?" "Well, there were some waiters and a couple of sailors and a few stray pedestrians, I guess. It's the strangest feeling. You ought to get beaten up just for the experience of it. You fall down after a while and everybody sort of slashes in at you before you hit the ground—then they kick you." Tom lighted a cigarette. "I spent a day chasing you all over town, Amory. But you always kept a little ahead of me. I'd say you've been on some party." Amory tumbled into a chair and asked for a cigarette. "You sober now?" asked Tom quizzically. "Pretty sober. Why?" "Well, Alec has left. His family had been after him to go home and live, so he—" A spasm of pain shook Amory. "Too bad." "Yes, it is too bad. We'll have to get some one else if we're going to stay here. The rent's going up." "Sure. Get anybody. I'll leave it to you, Tom." Amory walked into his bedroom. The first thing that met his glance was a photograph of Rosalind that he had intended to have framed, propped up against a mirror on his dresser. He looked at it unmoved. After the vivid mental pictures of her that were his portion at present, the portrait was curiously unreal. He went back into the study. "Got a cardboard box?" "No," answered Tom, puzzled. "Why should I have? Oh, yes—there may be one in Alec's room." Eventually Amory found what he was looking for and, returning to his dresser, opened a drawer full of letters, notes, part of a chain, two little handkerchiefs, and some snap-shots. As he transferred them carefully to the box his mind wandered to some place in a book where the hero, after preserving for a year a cake of his lost love's soap, finally washed his hands with it. He laughed and began to hum "After you've gone" ... ceased abruptly... The string broke twice, and then he managed to secure it, dropped the package into the bottom of his trunk, and having slammed the lid returned to the study. "Going out?" Tom's voice held an undertone of anxiety. "Uh-huh." "Where?" "Couldn't say, old keed." "Let's have dinner together." "Sorry. I told Sukey Brett I'd eat with him." "Oh." "By-by." Amory crossed the street and had a high-ball; then he walked to Washington Square and found a top seat on a bus. He disembarked at Forty-third Street and strolled to the Biltmore bar. "Hi, Amory!" "What'll you have?" "Yo-ho! Waiter!" <hr /> TEMPERATURE NORMAL The advent of prohibition with the "thirsty-first" put a sudden stop to the submerging of Amory's sorrows, and when he awoke one morning to find that the old bar-to-bar days were over, he had neither remorse for the past three weeks nor regret that their repetition was impossible. He had taken the most violent, if the weakest, method to shield himself from the stabs of memory, and while it was not a course he would have prescribed for others, he found in the end that it had done its business: he was over the first flush of pain. Don't misunderstand! Amory had loved Rosalind as he would never love another living person. She had taken the first flush of his youth and brought from his unplumbed depths tenderness that had surprised him, gentleness and unselfishness that he had never given to another creature. He had later love-affairs, but of a different sort: in those he went back to that, perhaps, more typical frame of mind, in which the girl became the mirror of a mood in him. Rosalind had drawn out what was more than passionate admiration; he had a deep, undying affection for Rosalind. But there had been, near the end, so much dramatic tragedy, culminating in the arabesque nightmare of his three weeks' spree, that he was emotionally worn out. The people and surroundings that he remembered as being cool or delicately artificial, seemed to promise him a refuge. He wrote a cynical story which featured his father's funeral and despatched it to a magazine, receiving in return a check for sixty dollars and a request for more of the same tone. This tickled his vanity, but inspired him to no further effort. He read enormously. He was puzzled and depressed by "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man"; intensely interested by "Joan and Peter" and "The Undying Fire," and rather surprised by his discovery through a critic named Mencken of several excellent American novels: "Vandover and the Brute," "The Damnation of Theron Ware," and "Jennie Gerhardt." Mackenzie, Chesterton, Galsworthy, Bennett, had sunk in his appreciation from sagacious, life-saturated geniuses to merely diverting contemporaries. Shaw's aloof clarity and brilliant consistency and the gloriously intoxicated efforts of H. G. Wells to fit the key of romantic symmetry into the elusive lock of truth, alone won his rapt attention. He wanted to see Monsignor Darcy, to whom he had written when he landed, but he had not heard from him; besides he knew that a visit to Monsignor would entail the story of Rosalind, and the thought of repeating it turned him cold with horror. In his search for cool people he remembered Mrs. Lawrence, a very intelligent, very dignified lady, a convert to the church, and a great devotee of Monsignor's. He called her on the 'phone one day. Yes, she remembered him perfectly; no, Monsignor wasn't in town, was in Boston she thought; he'd promised to come to dinner when he returned. Couldn't Amory take luncheon with her? "I thought I'd better catch up, Mrs. Lawrence," he said rather ambiguously when he arrived. "Monsignor was here just last week," said Mrs. Lawrence regretfully. "He was very anxious to see you, but he'd left your address at home." "Did he think I'd plunged into Bolshevism?" asked Amory, interested. "Oh, he's having a frightful time." "Why?" "About the Irish Republic. He thinks it lacks dignity." "So?" "He went to Boston when the Irish President arrived and he was greatly distressed because the receiving committee, when they rode in an automobile, would put their arms around the President." "I don't blame him." "Well, what impressed you more than anything while you were in the army? You look a great deal older." "That's from another, more disastrous battle," he answered, smiling in spite of himself. "But the army—let me see—well, I discovered that physical courage depends to a great extent on the physical shape a man is in. I found that I was as brave as the next man—it used to worry me before." "What else?" "Well, the idea that men can stand anything if they get used to it, and the fact that I got a high mark in the psychological examination." Mrs. Lawrence laughed. Amory was finding it a great relief to be in this cool house on Riverside Drive, away from more condensed New York and the sense of people expelling great quantities of breath into a little space. Mrs. Lawrence reminded him vaguely of Beatrice, not in temperament, but in her perfect grace and dignity. The house, its furnishings, the manner in which dinner was served, were in immense contrast to what he had met in the great places on Long Island, where the servants were so obtrusive that they had positively to be bumped out of the way, or even in the houses of more conservative "Union Club" families. He wondered if this air of symmetrical restraint, this grace, which he felt was continental, was distilled through Mrs. Lawrence's New England ancestry or acquired in long residence in Italy and Spain. Two glasses of sauterne at luncheon loosened his tongue, and he talked, with what he felt was something of his old charm, of religion and literature and the menacing phenomena of the social order. Mrs. Lawrence was ostensibly pleased with him, and her interest was especially in his mind; he wanted people to like his mind again—after a while it might be such a nice place in which to live. "Monsignor Darcy still thinks that you're his reincarnation, that your faith will eventually clarify." "Perhaps," he assented. "I'm rather pagan at present. It's just that religion doesn't seem to have the slightest bearing on life at my age." When he left her house he walked down Riverside Drive with a feeling of satisfaction. It was amusing to discuss again such subjects as this young poet, Stephen Vincent Benet, or the Irish Republic. Between the rancid accusations of Edward Carson and Justice Cohalan he had completely tired of the Irish question; yet there had been a time when his own Celtic traits were pillars of his personal philosophy. There seemed suddenly to be much left in life, if only this revival of old interests did not mean that he was backing away from it again—backing away from life itself. <hr /> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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