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Old Maids' Club

<h2>CHAPTER XVI.</h2> THE CLUB BECOMES POPULAR. The influence of Wee Winnie on the war-path was soon apparent. On the following Wednesday morning the ante-room of the Club was as crowded with candidates as if Lillie had advertised for a clerk with three tongues at ten pounds a year. Silverdale had gone down to Fleet Street to inquire if anything had been heard of Miss Ellaline Rand's projected paper, and Lillie grappled with the applicants single-handed. Turple the magnificent, was told to usher them into the confessional one by one, but the first two candidates insisted that they were one, and as he could not tell which one he gave way. It is said that the shepherd knows every sheep of his flock individually, and that a superintendent can tell one policeman from another. Some music-hall managers even profess to distinguish between one pair of singing sisters and all the other pairs. But even the most trained eye would be puzzled to detect any difference between these two lovely young creatures. They were as like as two peas or two cues, or the two gentlemen who mount and descend together the mirror-lined staircase of a restaurant. Interrogated as to the motives of their would-be renunciation, one of them replied: "My sister and myself are twins. We were born so. When the news was announced to our father, he is reported to have exclaimed, 'What a misfortune!' [pg 265] His sympathy was not misplaced, for from our nursery days upward our perfect resemblance to each other has brought us perpetual annoyance. Do what we would, we never could never get mistaken for each other. The pleasing delusion that either of us would be saddled with the misdeeds of the other has got us into scrapes without number. At school we each played all sorts of pranks, making sure the other would be punished for them. Alas! the consequences have always recoiled on the head of the guilty party. We were not even whipped for neglecting each other's lessons. It was always for neglecting our own. But in spite of the stern refusal of experience to favor us with the usual imbroglio, we always went on hoping that the luck would turn. We read Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors, and that confirmed us in our evil courses. When we grew up, it would be hard to say which was the giddier, for each hoped that the other would have to bear the burden of her escapades. You will have gathered from our friskiness that our parents were strict Puritans, but at last they allowed an eligible young curate to visit the house with a view to matrimony. He was too good for us; our parents were as much as we wanted in that line. Unfortunately, in this crisis, unknown to each other, the old temptation seized us. Each felt it a unique chance of trying if the thing wouldn't work. When the other was out of the room, each made love to the unwelcome suitor so as to make him fall in love with her sister. Wretched victims of mendacious farce-writers! The result was that he fell in love with us both!" She paused a moment overcome with emotion, then resumed. "He proposed to us both simultaneously, vowed he could not live without us. He exclaimed passionately that he could not be happy with either were t'other dear charmer away. He said he was ready to become a Mormon for love of us." [pg 266] <div class="image-center" style="max-width: 573px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i266.jpg" width-obs="573" height-obs="700" alt="" /> <div class="caption"> He was willing to become a Mormon. </div> </div> [pg 267] "And what was your reply?" said Lillie anxiously. The fresh young voices broke out into a duet: "We told him to ask papa." "We were both so overwhelmed by this catastrophe," pursued the story-teller, "that we vowed for mutual self-protection against our besetting temptation to fribble at the other's expense, never to let each other out of sight. In the farces all the mistakes happen through the twins being on only one at a time. Thus have we balanced each other's tendencies to indiscretion before it was too late, and saved ourselves from ourselves. This necessity of being always together, imposed on us by our unhappy resemblance, naturally excludes either from marriage." Lillie was not favorably impressed with these skittish sisters. "I sympathize intensely with the sufferings of either," she said slily, "in being constrained to the society of the other. But your motives of celibacy are not sufficiently pure, nor have you fulfilled our prime condition, for even granting that your reply to the eligible young Churchman was tantamount to a rejection, it still only amounts to a half rejection each, which is fifty per cent. below our standard." She rang the bell. Turple the magnificent ushered the twins out and the next candidate in. She was an ethereal blonde in a simple white frock, and her story was as simple. "Read this Rondeau," she said. "It will tell you all." Lillie took the lines. They were headed THE LOVELY MAY—AN OLD MAID'S PLAINT. <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> The lovely May at last is here, Long summer days are drawing near, And nights with cloudless moonshine rich; In woodlands green, on waters clear, Soft-couched in fern, or on the mere, Gliding like some white water-witch, [pg 268] Or lunching in a leafy niche, I see my sweet-faced sister dear, The lovely May.</div> <div class="stanza"> She is engaged—and her career Is one of skittles blent with beer, While I, plain sewing left to stitch, Can ne'er expect those pleasures which, At this bright season of the year, The lovely may.</div> </div> Lillie looked up interrogatively. "But surely you have nothing to complain of in the way of loveliness?" she said. "No, of course not. I am the lovely May. It was my sister who wrote that. She died in June and I found it among her manuscripts. Remorse set in at the thought of Maria stitching while I was otherwise engaged. I disengaged myself at once. What's fair for one is fair for all. Women should combine. While there's one woman who can't get a husband, no man should be allowed to get a wife." "Hear, hear!" cried Lillie enthusiastically. "Only I am afraid there will always be blacklegs among us who will betray their sex for the sake of a husband." "Alas, yes," agreed the lovely May. "I fear such was the nature of my sister Maria. She coveted even my first husband." "What!" gasped the President. "Are you a widow?" "Certainly! I left off black when I was engaged again, and when I was disengaged I dared not resume it for fear of seeming to mourn my fiancé." "We cannot have widows in the Old Maids' Club," said Lillie regretfully. "Then I shall start a new Widows' Club and Old Maids shall have no place in it." And the lovely May sailed out, all smiles and tears. [pg 269] The newcomer was a most divinely tall and most divinely fair brunette with a brooding, morbid expression. Candidate gave the name of Miss Summerson. Being invited to make a statement, she said: "I have abandoned the idea of marrying. I have no money. Ergo, I cannot afford to marry a poor man. And I am resolved never to marry a rich one. I want to be loved for myself, not for my want of money. You may stare, but I know what I am talking about. What other attraction have I? Good looks? Plenty of girls with money have that, who would be glad to marry the men I have rejected. In the town I came from I lived with my cousin, who was an heiress. She was far lovelier than I. Yet all the moneyed men were at my feet. They were afraid of being suspected of fortune-hunting and anxious to vindicate their elevation of character. Why should I marry to gratify a man's vanity, his cravings after cheap quixotism?" "Your attitude on the great question of the age does you infinite credit, but as you have no banking account to put it to, you traverse the regulation requiring a property qualification," said the President. "Is there no way over the difficulty?" "I fear not: unless you marry a rich man, and that disqualifies you under another rule." And Miss Summerson passed sadly into the outer darkness, to be replaced by a young lady who gave the name of Nell Lightfoot. She wore a charming hat and a smile like the spreading of sunshine over a crystal pool. "I met a young Scotchman," she said, "at a New Year's dance, and we were favorably impressed by each other. On the fourteenth of the following February I received from him a Valentine, containing a proposal of marriage and a revelation of the degradation of masculine nature. It would seem he had two strings to his bow—the other being a rich widow whom [pg 270] he had met in a Devonshire lane. Being a Scotchman he had for economy's sake composed a Valentine which with a few slight alterations would do for both of us. Unfortunately for himself he sent me the original draft by mistake and here is his VERACIOUS VALENTINE. <div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> Though the weather is snowy and dreary And a shiver careers down my spine, Yet the heart in my bosom is cheery, For I feel I've exchanged mine for thine. Do not call it delusion, my dearie, But become my own loved Valentine.</div> <div class="stanza"> For that { stormy June day you } remember, { New Year's dance you must } When we { sheltered together from rain, { waltzed to a languorous strain, While the sky, like the Fifth of November, } And our souls glowed despite 'twas December } Gleamed with lightening outrivalling P { ain. } With a burning but glorious p { ain.} Ah me! In my fire's dying ember I can see that { dank Devonshire lane. { bright ball-room again. </div> <div class="stanza"> And } I spoke { of the love that I } bore you, Yet }    { not then, fearing to } And of how for a widow I     } yearned, Though for maidenly love my heart } Not a schoolgirl { and fealty I swore you, { I'd gazed on before you, And you listened till sunshine re- } turned, Had my heart with such sweet madness } Then { you } parted { from me who } adore you, { we }    { but still I } And my heart and umbrella you spurned.    } Though you may not my love have discerned, } [pg 271] Not repelled by { hoarded-up } money, { having no } I adore you, my { Belle, } for yourself, { Nell, } You are sweeter than music or honey; And Dan Cupid's a sensuous elf, Who is drawn to the fair and the sunny, And is blind unto nothing but pelf.</div> <div class="stanza"> Need we feel a less genuine passion Because we { shall } live in May-fair? { can't } Love { blooms rich } in the hothouse of fashion, { oft fades } 'Tis { an orchid that flourishes there; { a moss-rose that needs the fresh air; Yet I would not my own darling lass shun Were she even as { poor } as she's { fair. { rich } { rare.</div> <div class="stanza"> There are fools who adore a complexion That's like strawberries mingled with cream. } As with Nubian blacking a gleam } A brunette } is my own predilection, But a blonde } And the glances from { dark } eyes that beam { blue } Then refuse not my deathless affection, Neither shatter my amorous dream.</div> <div class="stanza"> You're the very first { woman } who's thrilled me { maiden } With the passion that tongue cannot tell. Of none else have I thought since you filled me With { despair in that Devonshire dell. } { unrest when the waltz wove its spell. } When your final refusal has killed me. On my heart will be found graven { Belle. { Nell. </div> </div> "How strange!" said Lillie. "You combine the disqualifications [pg 272] of two of the previous candidates. You are apparently poor and you have received only half a proposal." A flaming blonde, whose brow was crowned with an aurora of auburn hair, was the next to burst upon the epigrammatic scene. She spoke English with an excellent Parisian accent. "One has called me a young woman in a hurry," she said, "and the description does not want of truth. I am impatient; I have large ideas; I am ambitious. If I were a grocer I should contract for the Sahara. I fall in love, and when Alice Leroux falls in love it is like the volcano which goes to make eruption. Figure to yourself that my man is shy—but of a shyness of the most ridiculous—that it is necessary to make a thousand sweet eyes at him before he comprehends that he loves me. And when he comprehends it, he does not speak. Mon Dieu, he does not speak, though I speak, me, with fan, my eyes, my fingers, almost with my lips. He walks with me—but he does not speak. He takes me to the spectacle—but he does not speak. He promenades himself in boat with me—but he does not speak. I encircle him with my arms, and I speak with my lips at last—one, two, three, four, five, kisses. Overwhelmed, astonished, he returns me my kisses—hesitatingly, stupidly, but in fine, he returns them And then at last—with our faces together, my arm round his graceful waist—he speaks. The first words of love comes from his mouth—and what think you that he say? Say then." <div class="image-center" style="max-width: 396px;"> <ANTIMG src="images/i273.jpg" width-obs="396" height-obs="700" alt="" /> <div class="caption"> I encircle him with my arms and speak with my lips. </div> </div> "I love you?" murmured Lillie. "A thousand thunders! No! He says: 'Miss Leroux—Alice; may I call you Alice?'" "I see nothing to wonder at in that," replied Lillie quietly. "Remember that for a man to kiss you is a less serious step than for him to call you Alice. That were a [pg 274] stage on the road to marriage, and should only be reached through the gate of betrothal. Changes of name are the outward marks of a woman's development as much as changes of form accompany the growth of the caterpillar. You, for instance, began life as Alice. In due course you became Miss Alice; if you were the eldest daughter you became Miss Leroux at once; if you were not, you inherited the name only on your sister's death or marriage; when you are betrothed you will revert to the simple Alice, and when you are married you will become Mrs. Something Else; and every time you get married, if you are careful to select husbands of varying patronymics, you will be furnished with a change of name as well as of address. Providence, which has conferred so many sufferings upon woman, has given her this one advantage over man, who in the majority of instance is doomed to the monotony of ossified nomenclature, and has to wear the same name on his tombstone which he wore on his Eton collar." "That is all a heap of galimatias," replied the Parisienne with the flaming hair "If I kiss a man, I, surely he may call me Alice without demanding it? Bah! Let him love your misses with eau sucrée in their veins. When he insulted me with his stupidity, I became furious. I threw him—how you say?—overboard on the instant." "Good heavens!" gasped Lillie. "Then you are a murderess!" "Figure you to yourself that I speak at the foot of the letter? Know you not the idioms of your own barbarian tongue? It seems to me you are as mad as he. Perhaps you are his sister." "Certainly. Our rules require us to regard all men as brothers." "He! What?" [pg 275] "We have rejected the love of all men; consequently we have to regard them all as our brothers." "That man there my brother!" shrieked Alice. "Never! Never of my life! I would rather marry first!" And she went off to do so. The last of these competitors for the Old Maiden Stakes was a whirlwind in petticoats who welcomed the President very affably. "Good-morning, Miss Dulcimer," she said. "I've heard of you. I'm from Boston way. You know I travel about the world in search of culture. I'm spending the day in Europe, so I thought I'd look you up. Would you be so good as to epitomize your scheme in twenty words? I've got to see the Madonna del Cardellino in the Uffizi at Florence before ten to-morrow, and I want to hear an act of the Meistersingers at Bayreuth after tea." "I'm rather tired," pleaded Lillie, overwhelmed by the dynamic energy radiating from every square inch of the Bostonian's superficies. "I have had a hard morning's work. Couldn't you call again to-morrow?" "Impossible. I have just wired to Damietta to secure rooms commanding a view of Professor Tickledroppe's excavations on the banks of the Nile. I dote on archæological treasures and thought I should like to see the Old Maids. Are they on view?" "No, they are not here," said Lillie evasively. "But do you want to join us?" "Shall I have time? I remember I once wasted a week getting married. Some women waste their whole lives that way. Marriage is an incident of life's novel—they make it the whole plot. I don't say it isn't an interesting experience. Every woman ought to go through it once, but with the infinite possibilities of culture lying all round us it's mere Philistinism to give one husbandman more than a week of your society. Mine is a physician [pg 276] practising in Philadelphia. Judging by the checks he sends me he must be a successful man. Well, I am real glad to have had this little talk with you, it's been so interesting. I will become an Honorary Member of your charming Club with pleasure." "You cannot if you are married. You can only be a visitor." "What's my being married got to do with it?" inquired the American in astonishment. "This is the first time I have ever heard that the name of a club has anything to do with the membership. Are the members of the Savage Club savages, of the Garrick Garricks, of the Supper Club suppers?" "We are not men," Lillie said haughtily. "I could pass over your relation to the hub of the universe, but when it comes to having a private hub I have no option." "Well, this may be your English idea of hospitality to travellers of culture," replied the Bostonian warmly, "but if you come to our crack Crank Club in the fall you shall be as welcome as a brand new poet. Good-bye. Hope we shall meet again. I shall be in Hong Kong in June if you like to drop in. Good-bye." "Good-bye," said Lillie, pressing one hand against the visitor's and the other to her aching forehead. Silverdale found her dissolved in tears. "In future," he said, when she had explained her troubles, "I shall hang the rules and by-laws in the waiting room. The candidates will then be able to eliminate themselves. By the way, Ellaline Rand's Cherub is going to sit up aloft,—on a third floor in Fleet Street." [pg 277] <hr class="hr2" /> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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