<h2><SPAN name="Chapter_V" id="Chapter_V" /><i>Chapter V</i></h2>
<h2>I</h2>
<p>As the weeks went by Maggie's faint uneasiness disappeared. She was
one of those fortunate persons who, possessing what are known as
nerves, are aware of the possession, and discount their effects
accordingly.</p>
<p>That uneasiness had culminated a few days after Laurie's departure one
evening as she sat with the old lady after tea—in a sudden touch of
terror at she knew not what.</p>
<p>"What is the matter, my dear?" the old lady had said without warning.</p>
<p>Maggie was reading, but it appeared that Mrs. Baxter had noticed her
lower her book suddenly, with an odd expression.</p>
<p>Maggie had blinked a moment.</p>
<p>"Nothing," she said. "I was just thinking of Laurie; I don't know
why."</p>
<p>But since then she had been able to reassure herself. Her fancies were
but fancies, she told herself; and they had ceased to trouble her. The
boy's letters to his mother were ordinary and natural: he was reading
fairly hard; his coach was as pleasant a person as he had seemed; he
hoped to run down to Stantons for a few days at Christmas. There was
nothing whatever to alarm anyone; plainly his ridiculous attitude
about Spiritualism had been laid by; and, better still, he was
beginning to recover himself after his sorrow in September.</p>
<p>It was an extraordinarily peaceful and uneventful life that the two
led together—the kind of life that strengthens previous proclivities
and adds no new ones; that brings out the framework of character and
motive as dropping water clears the buried roots of a tree. This was
all very well for Mrs. Baxter, whose character was already fully
formed, it may be hoped; but not so utterly satisfactory for the girl,
though the process was pleasant enough.</p>
<p>After Mass and breakfast she spent the morning as she wished,
overseeing little extra details of the house—gardening plans, the
poultry, and so forth—and reading what she cared to. The afternoon
was devoted to the old lady's airing; the evening till dinner to
anything she wished; and after dinner again to gentle conversation.
Very little happened. The Vicar and his wife dined there occasionally,
and still more occasionally Father Mahon. Now and then there were
vague entertainments to be patronized in the village schoolroom, in an
atmosphere of ink and hair-oil, and a mild amount of rather dreary and
stately gaiety connected with the big houses round. Mrs. Baxter
occasionally put in appearances, a dignified and aristocratic old
figure with her gentle eyes and black lace veil; and Maggie went with
her.</p>
<p>The pleasure of this life grew steadily upon Maggie. She was one of
that fraction of the world that finds entertainment to lie, like the
kingdom of God, within. She did not in the least wish to be "amused"
or stimulated and distracted. She was perfectly and serenely content
with the fowls, the garden, her small selected tasks, her religion,
and herself.</p>
<p>The result was, as it always is in such cases, she began to revolve
about three or four main lines of thought, and to make a very fair
progress in the knowledge of herself. She knew her faults quite well;
and she was not unaware of her virtues. She knew perfectly that she
was apt to give way to internal irritation, of a strong though
invisible kind, when interruptions happened; that she now and then
gave way to an unduly fierce contempt of tiresome people, and said
little bitter things that she afterwards regretted. She also knew that
she was quite courageous, that she had magnificent physical health,
and that she could be perfectly content with a life that a good many
other people would find narrow and stifling.</p>
<p>Her own character then was one thing that she had studied—not in the
least in a morbid way—during her life at Stantons. And another thing
she was beginning to study, rather to her own surprise, was the
character of Laurie. She began to become a little astonished at the
frequency with which, during a silent drive, or some mild mechanical
labor in the gardens, the image of that young man would rise before
her.</p>
<p>Indeed, as has been said, she had new material to work on. She had not
realized till the <i>affaire</i> Amy that boy's astonishing selfishness;
and it became for her a rather pleasant psychological exercise to
build up his characteristics into a consistent whole. It had not
struck her, till this specimen came before her notice, how generosity
and egotism, for example, so far from being mutually exclusive, can
very easily be complements, each of the other.</p>
<p>So then she passed her days—exteriorly a capable and occupied person,
interested in half a dozen simple things; interiorly rather
introspective, rather scrupulous, and intensely interested in the
watching of two characters—her own and her adopted brother's. Mrs.
Baxter's character needed no dissection; it was a consistent whole,
clear as crystal and as rigid.</p>
<p>It was still some five weeks before Christmas that Maggie became aware
of what, as a British maiden, she ought, of course, to have known long
before—namely, that she was thinking just a little too much about a
young man who, so far as was apparent, thought nothing at all about
her. It was true that once he had passed through a period of
sentimentality in her regard; but the extreme discouragement it had
met with had been enough.</p>
<p>Her discovery happened in this way.</p>
<p>Mrs. Baxter opened a letter one morning, smiling contentedly to
herself.</p>
<p>"From Laurie," she said. Maggie ceased eating toast for a second, to
listen.</p>
<p>Then the old lady uttered a small cry of dismay.</p>
<p>"He thinks he can't come, after all," she said.</p>
<p>Maggie had a moment of very acute annoyance.</p>
<p>"What does he say? Why not?" she asked.</p>
<p>There was a pause. She watched Mrs. Baxter's lips moving slowly, her
glasses in place; saw the page turned, and turned again. She took
another piece of toast. There are few things more irritating than to
have fragments of a letter doled out piecemeal.</p>
<p>"He doesn't say. He just says he's very busy indeed, and has a great
deal of way to make up." The old lady continued reading tranquilly,
and laid the letter down.</p>
<p>"Nothing more?" asked Maggie, consumed with annoyance.</p>
<p>"He's been to the theatre once or twice.... Dear Laurie! I'm glad he's
recovering his spirits."</p>
<p>Maggie was very angry indeed. She thought it abominable of the boy to
treat his mother like that. And then there was the shooting—not much,
indeed, beyond the rabbits, which the man who acted as occasional
keeper told her wanted thinning, and a dozen or two of wild
pheasants—yet this shooting had always been done, she understood, at
Christmas, ever since Master Laurie had been old enough to hold a gun.</p>
<p>She determined to write him a letter.</p>
<p>When breakfast was over, with a resolved face she went to her room.
She would really tell this boy a home-truth or two. It was a—a
sister's place to do so. The mother, she knew well enough, would do no
more than send a little wail, and would end by telling the dear boy
that, of course, he knew best, and that she was very happy to think
that he was taking such pains about his studies. Someone must point
out to the boy his overwhelming selfishness, and it seemed that no one
was at hand but herself. Therefore she would do it.</p>
<p>She did it, therefore, politely enough but unmistakably; and as it was
a fine morning, she thought that she would like to step up to the
village and post it. She did not want to relent; and once the letter
was in the post-box, the thing would be done.</p>
<p>It was, indeed, a delicious morning. As she passed out through the
iron gate the trees overhead, still with a few brown belated leaves,
soared up in filigree of exquisite workmanship into a sky of clear
November blue, as fresh as a hedge-sparrow's egg. The genial sound of
cock-crowing rose, silver and exultant, from the farm beyond the road,
and the tiny street of the hamlet looked as clean as a Dutch picture.</p>
<p>She noticed on the right, just before she turned up to the village on
the left, the grocer's shop, with the name "Nugent" in capitals as
bright and flamboyant as on the depot of a merchant king. Mr. Nugent
could be faintly descried within, in white shirt-sleeves and an apron,
busied at a pile of cheeses. Overhead, three pairs of lace curtains,
each decked with a blue bow, denoted the bedrooms. One of them must
have been Amy's. She wondered which....</p>
<p>All up the road to the village, some half-mile in length, she pondered
Amy. She had never seen her, to her knowledge; but she had a tolerably
accurate mental picture of her from Mrs. Baxter's account.... Ah! how
could Laurie? How could he...? Laurie, of all people! It was just one
more example....</p>
<p>After dropping her letter into the box at the corner, she hesitated
for an instant. Then, with an odd look on her face, she turned sharply
aside to where the church tower pricked above the leafless trees.</p>
<p>It was a typical little country church, with that odor of the
respectable and rather stuffy sanctity peculiar to the class; she had
wrinkled her nose at it more than once in Laurie's company. But she
passed by the door of it now, and, stepping among the wet grasses,
came down the little slope among the headstones to where a very white
marble angel clasped an equally white marble cross. She passed to the
front of this, and looked, frowning a little over the intolerable
taste of the thing.</p>
<p>The cross, she perceived, was wreathed with a spray of white marble
ivory; the angel was a German female, with a very rounded leg emerging
behind a kind of button; and there, at the foot of the cross, was the
inscription, in startling black—</p>
<div class="center">
AMY NUGENT<br/><br/>
THE DEAR AND ONLY DAUGHTER<br/>
OF<br/>
AMOS AND MARIA NUGENT<br/>
OF STANTONS<br/><br/>
DIED SEPTEMBER 21st 1901<br/><br/>
RESPECTED BY ALL<br/><br/>
<i>"I SHALL SEE HER BUT NOT NOW."</i></div>
<p>Below, as vivid as the inscription, there stood out the maker's name,
and of the town where he lived.</p>
<hr style='width: 45%;' />
<p>So she lay there, reflected Maggie. It had ended in that. A mound of
earth, cracking a little, and sunken. She lay there, her nervous
fingers motionless and her stammer silent. And could there be a more
eloquent monument of what she was...? Then she remembered herself, and
signed herself with the cross, while her lips moved an instant for the
repose of the poor girlish soul. Then she stepped up again on to the
path to go home.</p>
<p>It was as she came near the church gate that she understood herself,
that she perceived why she had come, and was conscious for the first
time of her real attitude of soul as she had stood there, reading the
inscription, and, in a flash, there followed the knowledge of the
inevitable meaning of it all.</p>
<p>In a word it was this.</p>
<p>She had come there, she told herself, to triumph, to gloat. Oh! she
spared herself nothing, as she stood there, crimson with shame, to
gloat over the grave of a rival. Amy was nothing less than that, and
she herself—she, Margaret Marie Deronnais—had given way to jealousy
of this grocer's daughter, because ... because ... she had begun to
care, really to care, for the man to whom she had written that letter
this morning, and this man had scarcely said one word to her, or given
her one glance, beyond such as a brother might give to a sister. There
was the naked truth.</p>
<p>Her mind fled back. She understood a hundred things now. She perceived
that that sudden anger at breakfast had been personal disappointment—not
at all that lofty disinterestedness on behalf of the mother that she had
pretended. She understood too, now, the meaning of those long contented
meditations as she went up and down the garden walks, alert for
plantains, the meaning of the zeal she had shown, only a week ago, on
behalf of a certain hazel which the gardener wanted to cut down.</p>
<p>"You had better wait till Mr. Laurence comes home," she had said. "I
think he once said he liked the tree to be just there."</p>
<p>She understood now why she had been so intuitive, so condemnatory, so
critical of the boy—it was that she was passionately interested in
him, that it was a pleasure even to abuse him to herself, to call him
selfish and self-centered, that all this lofty disapproval was just
the sop that her subconsciousness had used to quiet her uneasiness.</p>
<p>Little scenes rose before her—all passed almost in a flash of
time—as she stood with her hand on the medieval-looking latch of the
gate, and she saw herself in them all as a proud, unmaidenly,
pharisaical prig, in love with a man who was not in love with her.</p>
<p>She made an effort, unlatched the gate, and moved on, a beautiful,
composed figure, with great steady eyes and well-cut profile, a model
of dignity and grace, interiorly a raging, self-contemptuous, abject
wretch.</p>
<p>It must be remembered that she was convent-bred.</p>
<h2>II</h2>
<p>By the time that Laurie's answer came, poor Maggie had arranged her
emotions fairly satisfactorily. She came to the conclusion, arrived at
after much heart-searching, that after all she was not yet actually in
love with Laurie, but was in danger of being so, and that therefore
now that she knew the danger, and could guard against it, she need not
actually withdraw from her home, and bury herself in a convent or the
foreign mission-field.</p>
<p>She arrived at this astonishing conclusion by the following process of
thought. It may be presented in the form of a syllogism.</p>
<div class="blockquot">
All girls who are in love regard the beloved as a spotless,
reproachless hero.<br/><br/>
Maggie Deronnais did not regard Laurie Baxter as a spotless,
reproachless hero.<br/><br/>
<i>Ergo.</i> Maggie Deronnais was not in love with Laurie Baxter.</div>
<p>Strange as it may appear to non-Catholic readers, Maggie did not
confide her complications to the ear of Father Mahon. She mentioned,
no doubt, on the following Saturday, that she had given way to
thoughts of pride and jealousy, that she had deceived herself with
regard to a certain action, done really for selfish motives, into
thinking she had done it for altruistic motives, and there she left
it. And, no doubt, Father Mahon left it there too, and gave her
absolution without hesitation.</p>
<p>Then Laurie's answer arrived, and had to be dealt with, that is, it
had to be treated interiorly with a proper restraint of emotions.</p>
<div class="blockquot">
"My dear Maggie," he wrote;<br/><br/>
Why all this fury? What have I done? I said to mother that
I didn't know for certain whether I could come or not, as
I had a lot to do. I don't think she can have given you
the letter to read, or you wouldn't have written all that
about my being away from home at the one season of the
year, etc. Of course I'll come, if you or anybody feels
like that. Does mother feel upset too? Please tell me if
she ever feels that, or is in the least unwell, or
anything. I'll come instantly. As it is, shall we say the
20th of December, and I'll stay at least a week. Will that
do?<br/><br/>
Yours,<br/>
L.B.<br/></div>
<p>This was a little overwhelming, and Maggie wrote off a penitent
letter, refraining carefully, however, from any expressions that might
have anything of the least warmth, but saying that she was very glad
he was coming, and that the shooting should be seen to.</p>
<p>She directed the letter; and then sat for an instant looking at
Laurie's—at the neat Oxford-looking hand, the artistic appearance of
the paragraphs, and all the rest of it.</p>
<p>She would have liked to keep it—to put it with half a dozen others
she had from him; but it seemed better not.</p>
<p>Then as she tore it up into careful strips, her conscience smote her
again, shrewdly; and she drew out the top left-hand drawer of the
table at which she sat.</p>
<p>There they were, a little pile of them, neat and orderly. She looked
at them an instant; then she took them out, turned them quickly to see
if all were there, and then, gathering up the strips of the one she
had received that morning, went over to the wood fire and dropped them
in.</p>
<p>It was better so, she said to herself.</p>
<hr style='width: 45%;' />
<p>The days went pleasantly enough after that. She would not for an
instant allow to herself that any of their smoothness arose from the
fact that this boy would be here again in a few weeks. On the
contrary, it was because she had detected a weakness in his regard,
she told herself, and had resolutely stamped on it, that she was in so
serene a peace. She arranged about the shooting—that is to say, she
informed the acting keeper that Master Laurie would be home for
Christmas as usual—all in an unemotional manner, and went about her
various affairs without effort.</p>
<p>She found Mrs. Baxter just a little trying now and then. That lady
had come to the conclusion that Laurie was unhappy in his
religion—certainly references to it had dropped out of his
letters—and that Mr. Rymer must set it right.</p>
<p>"The Vicar must dine here at least twice while Laurie is here," she
observed at breakfast one morning. "He has a great influence with
young men."</p>
<p>Maggie reflected upon a remark or two, extremely unjust, made by
Laurie with regard to the clergyman.</p>
<p>"Do you think—do you think he understands Laurie," she said.</p>
<p>"He has known him for fifteen years," remarked Mrs. Baxter.</p>
<p>"Perhaps it's Laurie that doesn't understand him then," said Maggie
tranquilly.</p>
<p>"I daresay."</p>
<p>"And—and what do you think Mr. Rymer will be able to do?" asked the
girl.</p>
<p>"Just settle the boy.... I don't think Laurie's very happy. Not that I
would willingly disturb his mind again; I don't mean that, my dear. I
quite understand that your religion is just the one for certain
temperaments, and Laurie's is one of them; but a few helpful words
sometimes—" Mrs. Baxter left it at an aposiopesis, a form of speech
she was fond of.</p>
<p>There was a grain of truth, Maggie thought, in the old lady's hints,
and she helped herself in silence to marmalade. Laurie's letters,
which she usually read, did not refer much to religion, or to the
Brompton Oratory, as his custom had been at first. She tried to make
up her mind that this was a healthy sign; that it showed that Laurie
was settling down from that slight feverishness of zeal that seemed
the inevitable atmosphere of most converts. Maggie found converts a
little trying now and then; they would talk so much about facts,
certainly undisputed, and for that very reason not to be talked
about. Laurie had been a marked case, she remembered; he wouldn't let
the thing alone, and his contempt of Anglican clergy, whom Maggie
herself regarded with respect, was hard to understand. In fact she had
remonstrated on the subject of the Vicar....</p>
<p>Maggie perceived that she was letting her thoughts run again on
disputable lines; and she made a remark about the Balkan crisis so
abruptly that Mrs. Baxter looked at her in bewilderment.</p>
<p>"You do jump about so, my dear. We were speaking of Laurie, were we
not?"</p>
<p>"Yes," said Maggie.</p>
<p>"It's the twentieth he's coming on, is it not?"</p>
<p>"Yes," said Maggie.</p>
<p>"I wonder what train he'll come by?"</p>
<p>"I don't know," said Maggie.</p>
<hr style='width: 45%;' />
<p>A few days before Laurie's arrival she went to the greenhouse to see
the chrysanthemums. There was an excellent show of them.</p>
<p>"Mrs. Baxter doesn't like them hairy ones," said the gardener.</p>
<p>"Oh! I had forgotten. Well, Ferris, on the nineteenth I shall want a
big bunch of them. You'd better take those—those hairy ones. And some
maidenhair. Is there plenty?"</p>
<p>"Yes, miss."</p>
<p>"Can you make a wreath, Ferris?"</p>
<p>"Yes, miss."</p>
<p>"Well, will you make a good wreath of them, please, for a grave? The
morning of the twentieth will do. There'll be plenty left for the
church and house?"</p>
<p>"Oh yes, miss."</p>
<p>"And for Father Mahon?"</p>
<p>"Oh yes, miss."</p>
<p>"Very well, then. Will you remember that? A good wreath, with fern, on
the morning of the twentieth. If you'll just leave it here I'll call
for it about twelve o'clock. You needn't send it up to the house."</p>
<hr style="width: 65%;" />
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