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Regiment of Women

<h2>CHAPTER XXXV</h2> Alwynne leant back in her chair and regarded Roger with some intentness. "Well?" he said politely. "I was thinking——" she said lamely. "Obviously." "That it was rather queer—that I should tell you all this, when I couldn't even tell Elsbeth." "Don't you think it's often easier to talk to strangers? One's personality can make its own impression—it has no preconception to fight against." "Yes. But I hate strangers, till they've stopped being strange. And, you know"—she hesitated—"I haven't really liked you. Have you noticed it?" "In streaks," he admitted. "But why?" "You patronise so!" she flared. "You make me feel a fool. This afternoon——Of course, it's quite true that I don't know much about men. I suppose you knew I was—inexperienced; but you needn't have rubbed it in. And you've always talked down to me." "I don't think I did," he considered the matter unsmiling. "I think it's rather the other way—the tilt of your nose disturbs my complacence. You listen to me at meals like Disapproval incarnate. You make me nervous." "Do I?" she asked delightedly. "Yes." He laughed. "I hide it under a superior air, of course." "Yes, of course," she sympathised. "That's what I do always." "It is useful," he agreed.[309] "People may think you disagreeable, but at least you're dignified. You have chosen your fault well, I really cannot laugh at it. Do you remember? I told Elsbeth that you were like Mr. Darcy." "And that you don't like me?" "Well—I didn't. That's why it's so queer—that I can talk to you so easily. I am grateful. It has helped, just talking." "I knew it would." "I feel better." She stirred in her seat. "Is it late? Ought we to be going home?" He chose his words, his eyes on her, though he spoke casually enough. "No hurry. We can always take a cut through the wood, you know." She flinched at that, as he expected; spoke uneasily, furtive-eyed. "I think I'd rather go at once—round by the road. Isn't there a road?" She rose and looked about her, taking farewell of the daffodils. "Yes, there's a road. Wouldn't you like a bunch?" He took a pair of scissors from the wall, and began to select his blooms. Alwynne followed him delightedly. She thought she would have a surprise for Clare, after all. And Elsbeth! Elsbeth was an after-thought. But she hoped there would be enough for Elsbeth. "Why won't you go back through the wood?" he said quietly, as, hands full, he at last replaced the scissors on their particular nail, and twitched a strand from the horse-tail of bass that hung beside them. "Tell me." Then, calmly, "Here—put your finger here, will you?" Mechanically she obeyed and he tied the knot that secured the great yellow sheaf and gave it to her. "Now tell me. What frightened you in the wood? What was wrong?" He spoke quietly, but his tone compelled her. "If you dreamed a dream——" she began unwillingly,[310] "night after night—month after month—something ghastly——" "Yes—" he encouraged her. "Ah, well—at least you've the comfort of knowing it's a dream. But suppose, one day—you dreamt it while you were awake——?" "Dreamt what?" He guessed her meaning, but he was deliberately forcing her to reduce her terrors into words—the more they crystallised, the easier she would find it to face and destroy them. "Do you believe in hell?" she flung at him. "I should jolly well think so." "For children?" Her tone implored comfort. "I'm afraid so." "But how can it be fair? They're so little. They don't know right from wrong." "I knew a kid," he said meditatively, an eye on her tormented face, "only eight—used to act, if you please. Hung about London stage-doors, and bearded managers in their dens for a living. Quick little chap! Father drunk or ill; incapable, anyhow. The child supported them both. I've seen that child kept hanging about three or four hours on end. And what he knew! It made you sick and sorry. He must be twelve by now—getting on, I believe, poor kid! And a cheerful monkey! He's certainly had his hell, though." She had hardly listened, she was absorbed in her thoughts; but she caught at his last words—— "In this life? Oh, yes! That's cruel enough. But not afterwards? Not eternal damnation! I don't mind it for myself so much—but for a baby that can't understand why——It isn't possible, is it?" He began to laugh jollily. "Alwynne—you utter fool! Don't you believe in God?" "I suppose so," she admitted. "Of course, if you didn't——"[311] "Yes," she thrust in. "Then it would be all right. I could be sure she was asleep—dead—like last year's leaves——" "But why should God complicate matters?" "Well—heaven follows—and hell—don't they? Their worm dieth not—and all the rest." "Oh, I follow." "Miss Marsham—the head mistress, you know—of course she's very old—but she believes—terribly. It's an awfully religious school. It scares some of the children. I used to laugh, but now, since Louise died, it scares me, though I am grown up. I've no convictions—and she is certain—and then I get these nightmares. I hear her calling—for water." The flat matter-of-fact tone alarmed him more than emotion would have done. "Water?" "For I am tormented in this flame. I hear her every night—wailing." Her eyes strained after something that he could not see. He found no words. She returned with an effort. "Of course, when it's over—I know it's imagination. My sense tells me so—in the daytime. Only I can't be sure. If only I could be sure! If some one would tell me to be sure. It's the reasoning it out for myself—all day—and going back to the dreams all night." "How long has this been going on?" he asked curtly. "Ever since—when I came home from Clare's—that night. I'd slept like a log. Then I woke up suddenly. I thought I heard Louise calling. I'd forgotten she was dead. Every night it happens—as soon as I go to sleep, she comes. Always trying to speak to me. I hear her screaming with pain—wanting help. Never any words. Do you think I'm mad? I know it's only a dream—but every night, you know——"[312] "You're not going to dream any more," he said, with a determination that belied his inward sense of dismay. "But go on—let's have the rest of it." "There isn't much. Just dreams. It's been a miserable year. I couldn't be cheerful always, you know—and I used to dread going to bed so. It made me stupid all day. And Clare—Clare didn't quite understand. Oh—I did want to tell her so. But you can't worry people. I'm afraid Elsbeth got worried—she hates it if you don't eat and have a colour. She packed me off here at last." She drew a long breath. "This blessed place! You don't know how I love it. I feel a different girl. All this space and air and freedom. What is it that the country does to one's mind? I've slept. No dreaming. Sleep that's like a hot bath. Can you imagine what that is after these months? Oh, Roger! I thought I'd stopped dreaming for good—I was forgetting——" "Go on forgetting," he said. "You can. I'll help you. You had a shock. It made you ill. You're getting well again. That's all." "I'm not," she said. "I'm going mad. To-day, in that wood.... Louise came running after me—and I was awake...." Suddenly she gave a little ripple of high-pitched laughter. "Oh, Mr. Lumsden! Isn't this a ridiculous conversation? And your face—you're so absurd when you frown.... You make me laugh.... You make me laugh...." She broke off. Roger, with a swift movement, had turned and was standing over her. "Now shut up!" he said sharply. "Shut up! D'you hear? Shut up this instant, and sit down." He put his hand on her shoulder and jerked her back into the chair. The shock of his roughness checked her hysterics, as he had intended it should. She sat limply, her head in her hand, trying not to cry. He watched her. "Pull yourself together, Alwynne," he said more gently.[313] Her lips quivered, but she nodded valiantly. "I will. Just wait a minute. I don't want to make a fool of myself." Then, with a quavering laugh, "Oh, Roger, this is pleasant for you!" He laughed. "You needn't mind me," he said calmly. "Any more than I mind you. Except when you threaten hysterics. I bar hysterics. I wouldn't mind if they did any good. But we've got lots to do. No time at all for them. We've got to work this thing out. Ready?" Alwynne waited, her attention caught. "Now listen," he said. "First of all, get it into your head that I know all about it, and that I'm going to see you through. Next—whenever you get scared—though you won't again, I hope—that you are just to come and talk it over. You won't even have to tell me—I shall see by your face, you know. Do you understand? You're not alone any more. I'm here. Always ready to lay your ghosts for you. Will you remember?" He spoke clearly and patiently—very cheerful and reassuring. "You've got to go home well, Alwynne. Because, you know, though you're as sane as I am, you've been ill. This last year has been one long illness. You had a shock—a ghastly shock—and, of course, it skinned your nerves raw. My dear, I wonder it didn't send you really mad, instead of merely making you afraid of going mad. If you hadn't put up such a fight——Honestly, Alwynne! I think you've been jolly plucky." The sincere admiration in his voice was wonderfully pleasant to hear. Alwynne opened her eyes widely. "I don't know what you mean," she began shyly. "I'm not imaginative," he said, "but if I'd been hag-ridden as you have——" He broke off abruptly. "But, at least, you've fought yourself free," he continued cheerfully. "Yes, in spite of to-day." And his complete assurance[314] of voice and manner had its effect on Alwynne, though she did not realise it. "You're better already. You say yourself you're a different girl since you got away from—since you came here. And when you're quite well, it'll be your own work, not mine. I'm just tugging you up the bank, so to speak. But you've done the real fighting with the elements. I think you can be jolly proud of yourself." Alwynne looked at him, half smiling, half bewildered. "What do you mean? You talk as if it were all over. Shall I never be frightened again? Think of to-day?" "Of course it's all over," he assured her truculently. "To-day? To-day was the last revolt of your imagination. You've let it run riot too long. Of course it hasn't been easy to call it to heel." "You think it's all silly imaginings, then?" "Alwynne," he said. "You've got to listen to this, just this. You say I'm not to talk about your friend, that I don't know her—that I'm unjust. But listen, at least, to this. I won't be unfair. I'll grant you that she was fond of the little girl, and meant no harm, no more than you did. But you say yourself that she was miserable till you relieved her mind by taking all the blame on yourself. Can't you conceive that in so doing you did assume a burden, a very real one? Don't you think that her fears, her terrors, may have haunted you as well as your own? I believe in the powers of thought. I believe that fear—remorse—regret—may materialise into a very ghost at your elbow. Do you remember Macbeth and Banquo? Do you believe that a something really physical sat that night in the king's seat? Do you think it was the man from his grave? I think it was Macbeth's thoughts incarnate. He thought too much, that man. But let's leave all that. Let's argue it out from a common-sense point of view. You said you believed in God?" "Yes," she said. "And the devil?"[315] "I suppose so." "Well—I'm not so sure that I do," he remarked meditatively. "But if I do—I must say I cannot see the point of a God who wouldn't be more than a match for him: and a God who'd leave a baby in his clutches to expiate in fire and brimstone and all the rest of the beastliness——Well, is it common sense?" he appealed to her. "If you put it like that——" she admitted. "My dear, would you let Louise frizzle if it were in your hands? Why, you've driven yourself half crazy with fear for her, as it is. Can't you give God credit for a little common humanity? I'm not much of a Bible reader, but I seem to remember something about a sparrow falling to the ground——Now follow it up," he went on urgently. "If Louise's life was so little worth living that she threw it away—doesn't it prove she had her hell down here? If you insist on a hell. And when she was dead, poor baby, can't you trust God to have taken charge of her? And if He has—as He must have—do you think that child—that happy child, Alwynne, for if God exists at all, He must exist as the very source and essence of peace and love—that that child would or could wrench itself apart from God, from its happiness, in order to return to torment you? Is it possible? Is it probable? In any way feasible?" Alwynne caught her breath. "How you believe in God! I wish I could!" Roger flushed suddenly like an embarrassed boy. "You know, it's queer," he confided, subsiding naïvely, "till I began to talk to you, I didn't know I did. I never bother about church and things. You know——" But Alwynne was not attending. "Of course—I see what you mean," she murmured. "It applies to Louise too. Why, Roger, she was really fond of me—not as she was of Clare—of course—but quite fond of me. She never would have hurt me. Hurt? Poor mite! She never hurt any one in all her life." "I wonder you didn't think of that before," remarked[316] Roger severely. "I hope you see what an idiot you've been?" "Yes," said Alwynne meekly. She did not flash out at him as he had hoped she would: but her manner had grown calm, and her eyes were peaceful. "Poor little Louise!" said Alwynne slowly. "So we needn't think about her any more? She's to be dead, and buried, and forgotten. It sounds harsh, doesn't it? But she is dead—and I've only been keeping her alive in my mind all this year. Is that what you mean?" "Yes," he said. "And if it were not as I think it is, sheer imagination—if your grieving and fear really kept a fraction of her personality with you, to torment you both—let her go now, Alwynne. Say good-bye to her kindly, and let her go home." She looked at him gravely for a moment. Then she turned from him to the empty house of flowers. "Good-bye, Louise!" said Alwynne, simply as a child. About them was the evening silence. The sun, sinking over the edge of the world, was a blinding glory. Out of the flowers rose the butterfly, found an open pane and fluttered out on the evening air, straight into the heart of the sunlight. They watched it with dazzled eyes. <hr style="width: 65%;" /> [317] <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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