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Lysistrata (version 3)

<h2>SCENE II</h2> LAMPITO and some go off; the others go up into the Acropolis. <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG alt="image033a (43K)" src="images/033a.jpg" width-obs="100%" /></div> Chorus of OLD MEN enter to attack the captured Acropolis. Make room, Draces, move ahead; why your shoulder's chafed, I see, With lugging uphill these lopped branches of the olive-tree. How upside-down and wrong-way-round a long life sees things grow. Ah, Strymodorus, who'd have thought affairs could tangle so? The women whom at home we fed, Like witless fools, with fostering bread, Have impiously come to this-- They've stolen the Acropolis, With bolts and bars our orders flout And shut us out. Come, Philurgus, bustle thither; lay our faggots on the ground, In neat stacks beleaguering the insurgents all around; And the vile conspiratresses, plotters of such mischief dire, Pile and burn them all together in one vast and righteous pyre: Fling with our own hands Lycon's wife to fry in the thickest fire. By Demeter, they'll get no brag while I've a vein to beat! Cleomenes himself was hurtled out in sore defeat. His stiff-backed Spartan pride was bent. Out, stripped of all his arms, he went: A pigmy cloak that would not stretch To hide his rump (the draggled wretch), Six sprouting years of beard, the spilth Of six years' filth. That was a siege! Our men were ranged in lines of seventeen deep Before the gates, and never left their posts there, even to sleep. Shall I not smite the rash presumption then of foes like these, Detested both of all the gods and of Euripides-- Else, may the Marathon-plain not boast my trophied victories! Ah, now, there's but a little space To reach the place! A deadly climb it is, a tricky road With all this bumping load: A pack-ass soon would tire.... How these logs bruise my shoulders! further still Jog up the hill, And puff the fire inside, Or just as we reach the top we'll find it's died. Ough, phew! I choke with the smoke. Lord Heracles, how acrid-hot Out of the pot This mad-dog smoke leaps, worrying me And biting angrily.... 'Tis Lemnian fire that smokes, Or else it would not sting my eyelids thus.... Haste, all of us; Athene invokes our aid. Laches, now or never the assault must be made! Ough, phew! I choke with the smoke. .. Thanked be the gods! The fire peeps up and crackles as it should. Now why not first slide off our backs these weary loads of wood And dip a vine-branch in the brazier till it glows, then straight Hurl it at the battering-ram against the stubborn gate? If they refuse to draw the bolts in immediate compliance, We'll set fire to the wood, and smoke will strangle their defiance. Phew, what a spluttering drench of smoke! Come, now from off my back.... Is there no Samos-general to help me to unpack? Ah there, that's over! For the last time now it's galled my shoulder. Flare up thine embers, brazier, and dutifully smoulder, To kindle a brand, that I the first may strike the citadel. Aid me, Lady Victory, that a triumph-trophy may tell How we did anciently this insane audacity quell! Chorus of WOMEN. What's that rising yonder? That ruddy glare, that smoky skurry? O is it something in a blaze? Quick, quick, my comrades, hurry! Nicodice, helter-skelter! Or poor Calyce's in flames And Cratylla's stifled in the welter. O these dreadful old men And their dark laws of hate! There, I'm all of a tremble lest I turn out to be too late. I could scarcely get near to the spring though I rose before dawn, What with tattling of tongues and rattling of pitchers in one jostling din With slaves pushing in!.... Still here at last the water's drawn And with it eagerly I run To help those of my friends who stand In danger of being burned alive. For I am told a dribbling band Of greybeards hobble to the field, Great faggots in each palsied hand, As if a hot bath to prepare, And threatening that out they'll drive These wicked women or soon leave them charring into ashes there. O Goddess, suffer not, I pray, this harsh deed to be done, But show us Greece and Athens with their warlike acts repealed! For this alone, in this thy hold, Thou Goddess with the helm of gold, We laid hands on thy sanctuary, Athene.... Then our ally be And where they cast their fires of slaughter Direct our water! STRATYLLIS (caught) Let me go! WOMEN You villainous old men, what's this you do? No honest man, no pious man, could do such things as you. MEN Ah ha, here's something most original, I have no doubt: A swarm of women sentinels to man the walls without. WOMEN So then we scare you, do we? Do we seem a fearful host? You only see the smallest fraction mustered at this post. MEN Ho, Phaedrias, shall we put a stop to all these chattering tricks? Suppose that now upon their backs we splintered these our sticks? WOMEN Let us lay down the pitchers, so our bodies will be free,   In case these lumping fellows try to cause some injury. MEN O hit them hard and hit again and hit until they run away, And perhaps they'll learn, like Bupalus, not to have too much to say. WOMEN Come on, then--do it! I won't budge, but like a dog I'll bite At every little scrap of meat that dangles in my sight. MEN Be quiet, or I'll bash you out of any years to come. WOMEN Now you just touch Stratyllis with the top-joint of your thumb. MEN What vengeance can you take if with my fists your face I beat? WOMEN I'll rip you with my teeth and strew your entrails at your feet. MEN Now I appreciate Euripides' strange subtlety: Woman is the most shameless beast of all the beasts that be. WOMEN Rhodippe, come, and let's pick up our water-jars once more. MEN Ah cursed drab, what have you brought this water for? WOMEN What is your fire for then, you smelly corpse? Yourself to burn? MEN To build a pyre and make your comrades ready for the urn. WOMEN And I've the water to put out your fire immediately. MEN What, you put out my fire? WOMEN Yes, sirrah, as you soon will see. MEN I don't know why I hesitate to roast you with this flame. WOMEN If you have any soap you'll go off cleaner than you came. MEN Cleaner, you dirty slut? WOMEN A nuptial-bath in which to lie! MEN Did you hear that insolence? WOMEN I'm a free woman, I. MEN I'll make you hold your tongue. <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG alt="image040a (54K)" src="images/040a.jpg" width-obs="100%" /></div> WOMEN Henceforth you'll serve in no more juries. MEN Burn off her hair for her. WOMEN Now forward, water, quench their furies! MEN O dear, O dear! WOMEN So ... was it hot? MEN Hot! ... Enough, O hold. WOMEN Watered, perhaps you'll bloom again--why not? MEN Brrr, I'm wrinkled up from shivering with cold. WOMEN Next time you've fire you'll warm yourself and leave us to our lot. <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG alt="image041a (38K)" src="images/041a.jpg" width-obs="100%" /></div> MAGISTRATE enters with attendant SCYTHIANS. MAGISTRATE Have the luxurious rites of the women glittered Their libertine show, their drumming tapped out crowds, The Sabazian Mysteries summoned their mob, Adonis been wept to death on the terraces, As I could hear the last day in the Assembly? For Demostratus--let bad luck befoul him-- Was roaring, "We must sail for Sicily," While a woman, throwing herself about in a dance Lopsided with drink, was shrilling out "Adonis, Woe for Adonis." Then Demostratus shouted, "We must levy hoplites at Zacynthus," And there the woman, up to the ears in wine, Was screaming "Weep for Adonis" on the house-top, The scoundrelly politician, that lunatic ox, Bellowing bad advice through tipsy shrieks: Such are the follies wantoning in them. MEN O if you knew their full effrontery! All of the insults they've done, besides sousing us With water from their pots to our public disgrace For we stand here wringing our clothes like grown-up infants. MAGISTRATE By Poseidon, justly done! For in part with us The blame must lie for dissolute behaviour And for the pampered appetites they learn. Thus grows the seedling lust to blossoming: We go into a shop and say, "Here, goldsmith, You remember the necklace that you wrought my wife; Well, the other night in fervour of a dance Her clasp broke open. Now I'm off for Salamis; If you've the leisure, would you go tonight And stick a bolt-pin into her opened clasp." Another goes to a cobbler; a soldierly fellow, Always standing up erect, and says to him, "Cobbler, a sandal-strap of my wife's pinches her, Hurts her little toe in a place where she's sensitive. Come at noon and see if you can stretch out wider This thing that troubles her, loosen its tightness." And so you view the result. Observe my case-- I, a magistrate, come here to draw Money to buy oar-blades, and what happens? The women slam the door full in my face. But standing still's no use. Bring me a crowbar, And I'll chastise this their impertinence. What do you gape at, wretch, with dazzled eyes? Peering for a tavern, I suppose. Come, force the gates with crowbars, prise them apart! I'll prise away myself too.... (LYSISTRATA appears.) LYSISTRATA Stop this banging. I'm coming of my own accord.... Why bars? It is not bars we need but common sense. MAGISTRATE Indeed, you slut! Where is the archer now? Arrest this woman, tie her hands behind. LYSISTRATA If he brushes me with a finger, by Artemis, The public menial, he'll be sorry for it. MAGISTRATE Are you afraid? Grab her about the middle. Two of you then, lay hands on her and end it. CALONICE By Pandrosos I if your hand touches her I'll spread you out and trample on your guts. MAGISTRATE My guts! Where is the other archer gone? Bind that minx there who talks so prettily. MYRRHINE By Phosphor, if your hand moves out her way You'd better have a surgeon somewhere handy. MAGISTRATE You too! Where is that archer? Take that woman. I'll put a stop to these surprise-parties. STRATYLLIS By the Tauric Artemis, one inch nearer My fingers, and it's a bald man that'll be yelling. MAGISTRATE Tut tut, what's here? Deserted by my archers.... But surely women never can defeat us; Close up your ranks, my Scythians. Forward at them. <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG alt="image046.jpg (182K)" src="images/046.jpg" width-obs="100%" /></div> LYSISTRATA By the Goddesses, you'll find that here await you Four companies of most pugnacious women Armed cap-a-pie from the topmost louring curl To the lowest angry dimple. MAGISTRATE On, Scythians, bind them. LYSISTRATA On, gallant allies of our high design, Vendors of grain-eggs-pulse-and-vegetables, Ye garlic-tavern-keepers of bakeries, Strike, batter, knock, hit, slap, and scratch our foes, Be finely imprudent, say what you think of them.... Enough! retire and do not rob the dead. MAGISTRATE How basely did my archer-force come off. LYSISTRATA Ah, ha, you thought it was a herd of slaves You had to tackle, and you didn't guess The thirst for glory ardent in our blood. MAGISTRATE By Apollo, I know well the thirst that heats you-- Especially when a wine-skin's close. MEN You waste your breath, dear magistrate, I fear, in answering back. What's the good of argument with such a rampageous pack? Remember how they washed us down (these very clothes I wore) With water that looked nasty and that smelt so even more. WOMEN What else to do, since you advanced too dangerously nigh. If you should do the same again, I'll punch you in the eye. Though I'm a stay-at-home and most a quiet life enjoy, Polite to all and every (for I'm naturally coy), Still if you wake a wasps' nest then of wasps you must beware. MEN How may this ferocity be tamed? It grows too great to bear. Let us question them and find if they'll perchance declare The reason why they strangely dare To seize on Cranaos' citadel, This eyrie inaccessible, This shrine above the precipice, The Acropolis. Probe them and find what they mean with this idle talk; listen, but watch they don't try to deceive. You'd be neglecting your duty most certainly if now this mystery unplumbed you leave. MAGISTRATE Women there! Tell what I ask you, directly.... Come, without rambling, I wish you to state What's your rebellious intention in barring up thus on our noses our own temple-gate. LYSISTRATA To take first the treasury out of your management, and so stop the war through the absence of gold. MAGISTRATE Is gold then the cause of the war? LYSISTRATA Yes, gold caused it and miseries more, too many to be told. 'Twas for money, and money alone, that Pisander with all of the army of mob-agitators. Raised up revolutions. But, as for the future, it won't be worth while to set up to be traitors. Not an obol they'll get as their loot, not an obol! while we have the treasure-chest in our command. MAGISTRATE What then is that you propose? LYSISTRATA Just this--merely to take the exchequer henceforth in hand. MAGISTRATE The exchequer! LYSISTRATA Yes, why not? Of our capabilities you have had various clear evidences. Firstly remember we have always administered soundly the budget of all home-expenses. MAGISTRATE But this matter's different. LYSISTRATA How is it different? MAGISTRATE Why, it deals chiefly with war-time supplies. LYSISTRATA But we abolish war straight by our policy. MAGISTRATE What will you do if emergencies arise? LYSISTRATA Face them our own way. MAGISTRATE What you will? LYSISTRATA Yes we will! MAGISTRATE Then there's no help for it; we're all destroyed. LYSISTRATA No, willy-nilly you must be safeguarded. MAGISTRATE What madness is this? LYSISTRATA Why, it seems you're annoyed. It must be done, that's all. MAGISTRATE Such awful oppression never, O never in the past yet I bore. LYSISTRATA You must be saved, sirrah--that's all there is to it. MAGISTRATE If we don't want to be saved? LYSISTRATA All the more. MAGISTRATE Why do you women come prying and meddling in matters of state touching war-time and peace? LYSISTRATA That I will tell you. MAGISTRATE O tell me or quickly I'll-- LYSISTRATA Hearken awhile and from threatening cease. MAGISTRATE I cannot, I cannot; it's growing too insolent. WOMEN Come on; you've far more than we have to dread. MAGISTRATE Stop from your croaking, old carrion-crow there.... Continue. LYSISTRATA Be calm then and I'll go ahead. All the long years when the hopeless war dragged along we, unassuming, forgotten in quiet, Endured without question, endured in our loneliness all your incessant child's antics and riot. Our lips we kept tied, though aching with silence, though well all the while in our silence we knew How wretchedly everything still was progressing by listening dumbly the day long to you. For always at home you continued discussing the war and its politics loudly, and we Sometimes would ask you, our hearts deep with sorrowing though we spoke lightly, though happy to see, "What's to be inscribed on the side of the Treaty-stone What, dear, was said in the Assembly today?" "Mind your own business," he'd answer me growlingly "hold your tongue, woman, or else go away." And so I would hold it. WOMEN I'd not be silent for any man living on earth, no, not I! MAGISTRATE Not for a staff? LYSISTRATA Well, so I did nothing but sit in the house, feeling dreary, and sigh, While ever arrived some fresh tale of decisions more foolish by far and presaging disaster. Then I would say to him, "O my dear husband, why still do they rush on destruction the faster?" At which he would look at me sideways, exclaiming, "Keep for your web and your shuttle your care, Or for some hours hence your cheeks will be sore and hot; leave this alone, war is Man's sole affair!" MAGISTRATE By Zeus, but a man of fine sense, he. LYSISTRATA How sensible? You dotard, because he at no time had lent His intractable ears to absorb from our counsel one temperate word of advice, kindly meant? But when at the last in the streets we heard shouted (everywhere ringing the ominous cry) "Is there no one to help us, no saviour in Athens?" and, "No, there is no one," come back in reply. At once a convention of all wives through Hellas here for a serious purpose was held, To determine how husbands might yet back to wisdom despite their reluctance in time be compelled. Why then delay any longer? It's settled. For the future you'll take up our old occupation. Now in turn you're to hold tongue, as we did, and listen while we show the way to recover the nation. MAGISTRATE You talk to us! Why, you're mad. I'll not stand it. LYSISTRATA Cease babbling, you fool; till I end, hold your tongue. MAGISTRATE If I should take orders from one who wears veils, may my neck straightaway be deservedly wrung. LYSISTRATA O if that keeps pestering you, I've a veil here for your hair, I'll fit you out in everything As is only fair. CALONICE Here's a spindle that will do. MYRRHINE I'll add a wool-basket too. LYSISTRATA Girdled now sit humbly at home, Munching beans, while you card wool and comb. For war from now on is the Women's affair. WOMEN. Come then, down pitchers, all, And on, courageous of heart, In our comradely venture Each taking her due part. I could dance, dance, dance, and be fresher after, I could dance away numberless suns, To no weariness let my knees bend. Earth I could brave with laughter, Having such wonderful girls here to friend. O the daring, the gracious, the beautiful ones! Their courage unswerving and witty Will rescue our city. O sprung from the seed of most valiant-wombed grand-mothers, scions of savage and dangerous nettles! Prepare for the battle, all. Gird up your angers. Our way the wind of sweet victory settles. LYSISTRATA O tender Eros and Lady of Cyprus, some flush of beauty I pray you devise To flash on our bosoms and, O Aphrodite, rosily gleam on our valorous thighs! Joy will raise up its head through the legions warring and all of the far-serried ranks of mad-love Bristle the earth to the pillared horizon, pointing in vain to the heavens above. I think that perhaps then they'll give us our title-- Peace-makers. MAGISTRATE           What do you mean? Please explain. LYSISTRATA   First, we'll not see you now flourishing arms about into the     Marketing-place clang again. WOMEN   No, by the Paphian. LYSISTRATA Still I can conjure them as past were the herbs stand or crockery's sold Like Corybants jingling (poor sots) fully armoured, they noisily round on their promenade strolled. MAGISTRATE And rightly; that's discipline, they-- LYSISTRATA But what's sillier than to go on an errand of buying a fish Carrying along an immense. Gorgon-buckler instead the usual platter or dish? A phylarch I lately saw, mounted on horse-back, dressed for the part with long ringlets and all, Stow in his helmet the omelet bought steaming from an old woman who kept a food-stall. Nearby a soldier, a Thracian, was shaking wildly his spear like Tereus in the play, To frighten a fig-girl while unseen the ruffian filched from her fruit-trays the ripest away. MAGISTRATE How, may I ask, will your rule re-establish order and justice in lands so tormented? LYSISTRATA Nothing is easier. MAGISTRATE Out with it speedily--what is this plan that you boast you've invented? LYSISTRATA If, when yarn we are winding, It chances to tangle, then, as perchance you may know, through the skein This way and that still the spool we keep passing till it is finally clear all again: So to untangle the War and its errors, ambassadors out on all sides we will send This way and that, here, there and round about--soon you will find that the War has an end. MAGISTRATE So with these trivial tricks of the household, domestic analogies of threads, skeins and spools, You think that you'll solve such a bitter complexity, unwind such political problems, you fools! LYSISTRATA Well, first as we wash dirty wool so's to cleanse it, so with a pitiless zeal we will scrub Through the whole city for all greasy fellows; burrs too, the parasites, off we will rub. That verminous plague of insensate place-seekers soon between thumb and forefinger we'll crack. All who inside Athens' walls have their dwelling into one great common basket we'll pack. Disenfranchised or citizens, allies or aliens, pell-mell the lot of them in we will squeeze. Till they discover humanity's meaning.... As for disjointed and far colonies, Them you must never from this time imagine as scattered about just like lost hanks of wool. Each portion we'll take and wind in to this centre, inward to Athens each loyalty pull, Till from the vast heap where all's piled together at last can be woven a strong Cloak of State. MAGISTRATE How terrible is it to stand here and watch them carding and winding at will with our fate, Witless in war as they are. LYSISTRATA What of us then, who ever in vain for our children must weep Borne but to perish afar and in vain? MAGISTRATE Not that, O let that one memory sleep! LYSISTRATA Then while we should be companioned still merrily, happy as brides may, the livelong night, Kissing youth by, we are forced to lie single.... But leave for a moment our pitiful plight, It hurts even more to behold the poor maidens helpless wrinkling in staler virginity. MAGISTRATE Does not a man age? LYSISTRATA Not in the same way. Not as a woman grows withered, grows he. He, when returned from the war, though grey-headed, yet if he wishes can choose out a wife. But she has no solace save peering for omens, wretched and lonely the rest of her life. MAGISTRATE But the old man will often select-- LYSISTRATA O why not finish and die? A bier is easy to buy, A honey-cake I'll knead you with joy, This garland will see you are decked. CALONICE I've a wreath for you too. MYRRHINE I also will fillet you. LYSISTRATA What more is lacking? Step aboard the boat. See, Charon shouts ahoy. You're keeping him, he wants to shove afloat. MAGISTRATE Outrageous insults! Thus my place to flout! Now to my fellow-magistrates I'll go And what you've perpetrated on me show. LYSISTRATA Why are you blaming us for laying you out? Assure yourself we'll not forget to make The third day offering early for your sake. MAGISTRATE retires, LYSISTRATA returns within. OLD MEN. All men who call your loins your own, awake at last, arise And strip to stand in readiness. For as it seems to me Some more perilous offensive in their heads they now devise. I'm sure a Tyranny Like that of Hippias In this I detect.... They mean to put us under Themselves I suspect, And that Laconians assembling At Cleisthenes' house have played A trick-of-war and provoked them Madly to raid The Treasury, in which term I include The Pay for my food. For is it not preposterous They should talk this way to us On a subject such as battle! And, women as they are, about bronze bucklers dare prattle-- Make alliance with the Spartans--people I for one Like very hungry wolves would always most sincere shun.... Some dirty game is up their sleeve, I believe. A Tyranny, no doubt... but they won't catch me, that know. Henceforth on my guard I'll go, A sword with myrtle-branches wreathed for ever in my hand, And under arms in the Public Place I'll take my watchful stand, Shoulder to shoulder with Aristogeiton. Now my staff I'll draw And start at once by knocking that shocking Hag upon the jaw. WOMEN. Your own mother will not know you when you get back to the town. But first, my friends and allies, let us lay these garments down, And all ye fellow-citizens, hark to me while I tell What will aid Athens well. Just as is right, for I Have been a sharer In all the lavish splendour Of the proud city. I bore the holy vessels At seven, then I pounded barley At the age of ten, And clad in yellow robes, Soon after this, I was Little Bear to Brauronian Artemis; Then neckletted with figs, Grown tall and pretty, I was a Basket-bearer, And so it's obvious I should Give you advice that I think good, The very best I can. It should not prejudice my voice that I'm not born a man, If I say something advantageous to the present situation. For I'm taxed too, and as a toll provide men for the nation While, miserable greybeards, you, It is true, Contribute nothing of any importance whatever to our needs; But the treasure raised against the Medes You've squandered, and do nothing in return, save that you make Our lives and persons hazardous by some imbecile mistakes What can you answer? Now be careful, don't arouse my spite, Or with my slipper I'll take you napping, faces slapping Left and right. MEN. What villainies they contrive! Come, let vengeance fall, You that below the waist are still alive, Off with your tunics at my call-- Naked, all. For a man must strip to battle like a man. No quaking, brave steps taking, careless what's ahead, white shoed, in the nude, onward bold, All ye who garrisoned Leipsidrion of old.... Let each one wag As youthfully as he can, And if he has the cause at heart Rise at least a span. We must take a stand and keep to it, For if we yield the smallest bit To their importunity. Then nowhere from their inroads will be left to us immunity. But they'll be building ships and soon their navies will attack us, As Artemisia did, and seek to fight us and to sack us. And if they mount, the Knights they'll rob Of a job, For everyone knows how talented they all are in the saddle, Having long practised how to straddle; No matter how they're jogged there up and down, they're never thrown. Then think of Myron's painting, and each horse-backed Amazon In combat hand-to-hand with men.... Come, on these women fall, And in pierced wood-collars let's stick quick The necks of one and all. WOMEN. Don't cross me or I'll loose The Beast that's kennelled here.... And soon you will be howling for a truce, Howling out with fear. But my dear, Strip also, that women may battle unhindered.... But you, you'll be too sore to eat garlic more, or one black bean, I really mean, so great's my spleen, to kick you black and blue With these my dangerous legs. I'll hatch the lot of you, If my rage you dash on, The way the relentless Beetle Hatched the Eagle's eggs. Scornfully aside I set Every silly old-man threat While Lampito's with me. Or dear Ismenia, the noble Theban girl. Then let decree Be hotly piled upon decree; in vain will be your labours, You futile rogue abominated by your suffering neighbour To Hecate's feast I yesterday went. Off I sent To our neighbours in Boeotia, asking as a gift to me For them to pack immediately That darling dainty thing ... a good fat eel [1] I meant of course; [Footnote 1:Vide supra, p. 23.] But they refused because some idiotic old decree's in force. O this strange passion for decrees nothing on earth can check, Till someone puts a foot out tripping you, and slipping you Break your neck. <div class="fig"> <ANTIMG alt="image063a (39K)" src="images/063a.jpg" width-obs="100%" /></div> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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