Marion Harland's Complete Etiquette

<h2>CHAPTER XIV<br/> <small>THE CHAPERON</small></h2> <p class="drop-cap">IN some parts of America the chaperon is, like Sairey Gamp’s interesting friend, “Mrs. Harris,”—a mere figment of the imagination. Nowhere in America does she occupy the perfectly defined position that she holds in Europe; nowhere in America are her duties so arduous as those imposed on her in older countries. The idea that a chaperon for young people is necessary on all occasions offends the taste of the American. It is even opposed to his code of good manners. That a young woman should never be able in her father’s house to receive, without a guardian, the young men of her acquaintance, is alien to the average American’s ideal of good breeding and of independence in friendship. In addition, his sense of humor sets down constant attendance on the very young as a bore and wearisome in the extreme.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>A young business or professional woman dispenses with any protection except that afforded her<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[146]</SPAN></span> by her work itself. Some years ago a young southern woman, forced to earn her living, and who had become a reporter in Washington, made herself absurd by taking a duenna with her whenever she went out to gather news. Perhaps it is unnecessary to say that no girl can afford to call on a man at his office except on an errand of business or charity.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">DOING WITHOUT CHAPERONS</div> <p>Because of these prejudices current concerning the idea of chaperonage, because of this mode of considering the subject, characteristically American, it is all the more necessary that the line should be sharply drawn as to the occasions where the consensus of usage and good sense declares a chaperon to be indispensable. The sense of the best American conventionalities, broadly speaking, is that a young woman may have greater liberty in her father’s house than elsewhere. A young man who frequents a house for the purpose of calling on a young woman should be on terms with the members of her family, but it is not taken for granted that he must spend every minute of his visits in their presence, or that the young woman should feel that she is acting unconventionally in receiving his calls by herself. It <i>is</i> unconventional, however, for her to take with him long evening drives without a chaperon, or to go on any sort of prolonged outdoor excursion, be the party large or small, without<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[147]</SPAN></span> a chaperon. Driving parties, fishing parties, country-club parties, sailing parties, picnics of every kind,—here the chaperon is indispensable. No one can tell what accidents or delays may occur at festivities of this kind that might render a prolonged absence embarrassing and awkward without the chaperon.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">THE CHAPERON’S DUTIES</div> <p>Any married woman may act as chaperon. “Young and twenty” may chaperon “fat and forty” if the former has the prefix “Mrs.” before her name and the latter is still of the “Miss” period. It is often very amusing to hear young matrons talk of their experience in chaperoning their elders. The office is one that the newly married woman likes to assume both because of its privileges and because it seems to emphasize her new dignities.</p> <p>In consequence of the fact that the frivolous and light-minded young married woman is quite as apt to be called upon to fill the office of chaperon as a person of more responsible qualities, the duties of this position are often less considered than its advantages. To some extent the duties and the privileges melt together, but not entirely. When, for instance, a bachelor, or a married man whose wife is out of town, entertains young unmarried people with a theater party and a supper afterward at restaurant or club, and asks a married woman<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[148]</SPAN></span> of his acquaintance to act as chaperon, he expects to pay her more attention and courtesy than he will give to other guests, while at the same time expecting from her an assumption of some of the duties of hostess for the occasion. He may send her flowers if he chooses. She must have the seat of honor in the front of the box engaged at the theater and, later, the seat of honor at the supper party.</p> <div class="sidenote">THE CHAPERON’S PRIVILEGES</div> <p>In return she must exercise her power of pleasing generally and not for the benefit only of the two or three of the party whom she likes best. Her surveillance of the company is, of course, merely nominal. It is taken for granted in civilized society that young people will behave properly. A chaperon is merely the official sign that the proprieties are observed. She is not an instructress and is not likely to be asked to fill the position of chaperon more than once if she assumes to be. Her presence prevents embarrassment and embarrassing situations. It should also act upon the guests as an amalgamating agent. At a party of the description given, her business is to mix agreeably the different elements of the company.</p> <p>The duties and privileges of acting as chaperon, in such circumstances, are of so pleasant a kind that the office is a coveted one. Attractive women are much more apt to be asked to fill the position<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</SPAN></span> than unattractive ones, except when a chaperon is regarded simply as an offering on the altar of propriety.</p> <p>Generally speaking, the duties of a chaperon are somewhat various, and more or less arduous, according to the quality of those chaperoned. These duties depend so largely upon circumstances that they are not easily classified. It is, of course, the part of the chaperon to smooth over awkward situations, to arrange and make smooth the path of pleasure. It is the duty of the chaperoned to agree without demur to whatever the chaperon may suggest. On any debatable point her decision must be regarded as final.</p> <div class="sidenote">CHAPERONS AT A BALL</div> <p>A personal and individual chaperon for every young girl is not necessary at a ball. It is expedient, however, that there should be some one present who, on demand, can act in that capacity for her,—some married woman with whom she may sit out a dance, if she be not provided with a partner, or whom she may consult in any of the small difficulties possible to the occasion. If a young woman attend a ball in company with her mother or some other matron, she should return each time, after a dance, to the seat occupied by her chaperon and should direct her several partners to find her there. In case she dances with any one unknown<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[150]</SPAN></span> to her chaperon, it goes perhaps without saying that the man in the case should be presented properly to the friend in charge of her.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <p>The question as to whether a young man must ask the services of a chaperon when he invites one young woman to accompany him to the theater is answered differently in different parts of the country. In the East a man who asks a young woman to go with him to the opera or the play, often invites her mother or some feminine married friend to accompany them. In the West this usage is not so common. Those who do not observe it are not regarded as outside the pale of good form.</p> <hr class="tb" /> <div class="sidenote">ON OUTDOOR EXCURSIONS</div> <div class="sidenote">A DUTCH TREAT</div> <p>In the case of outdoor excursions the chaperon should fix the hour of departure to and from the place of festivity; she should group the guests for the journey there and back, and should designate their positions at the table if a meal or refreshments be served. The duty of the chaperoned, is, in return, to make the position of chaperon as agreeable as possible, to defer to her in every way. The favor, in the case of chaperonage, is conferred by the chaperon, though the actions of certain crude young people are no recognition of this fact. A case in point occurs to the writer where a young man and his wife were asked to chaperon a party<span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[151]</SPAN></span> of young people to a popular rendezvous twelve or fourteen miles from the city in which they lived. The married people, after much urging, consented with some reluctance, thereby sacrificing a cherished plan of their own. Going and coming they were asked to take the back seat, which they occupied by themselves,—a seat over the wheels of the large vehicle provided. During the country supper they sat at one end of the table where their presence was conversationally ignored. When the time came for returning home the married man was approached by one of the originators of the party, who said that the affair was a “Dutch treat,” and would he (the married man) please pay his share of the bill. This is, of course, an extraordinary case, but in a gross way it illustrates the lack of consideration often incident to the relation between chaperon and chaperoned. That the obligation to the chaperon should be properly recognized is an important part of social training.</p> <hr class="chap" /></div> <p><span class="pagenum"><SPAN name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[152]</SPAN></span></p> <div style="break-after:column;"></div><br />