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April's Lady: A Novel

<h2>CHAPTER XIX.</h2> <div class="blockquot">"A continual battle goes on in a child's mind between what it knows and what it comprehends." </div> <hr style="width: 65%;" /> "Well?" says he. He advances even nearer, and dropping on a stone close to her, takes possession of one of her hands. "As you can't make up your mind to him; and, as you say, you like me, say something more." "More?" "Yes. A great deal more. Take the next move. Say—boldly—that you will marry me!" Joyce grows a little pale. She had certainly been prepared for this speech, had been preparing herself for it all the long weary wakeful night, yet now that she hears it, it seems as strange, as terrible, as though it had never suggested itself to her in its vaguest form. "Why should I say that?" says she at last, stammering a little, and feeling somewhat disingenuous. She had known, yet now she is trying to pretend that she did not know. "Because I ask you. You see I put the poorest reason at first, and because you say I am not hateful to you, and because——" "Well?" "Because, when a man's last chance of happiness lies in the balance, he will throw his very soul into the weighing of it—and knowing this, you may have pity on me." As though pressed down by some insupportable weight, the girl rises and makes a little curious gesture as if to free herself from it. Her face, still pale, betrays an inward struggle. After all, why cannot she give herself to him? Why can't she love him? He loves her; love, as some poor fool says, begets love. And he is honest. Yes, honest! A pang shoots through her breast. That, when all is told, is the principal thing. He is not uncertain—untrustworthy—double-faced, as some men are. Again that cruel pain contracts her heart. To be able to believe in a person, to be able to trust implicitly in each lightest word, to read the real meaning in every sentence, to see the truth shining in the clear eyes, this is to know peace and happiness; and yet— "You know all," says she, looking up at him, her eyes compressed, her brow frowning; "I am uncertain of myself, nothing seems sure to me, but if you wish it——" "Wish it!" clasping her hands closer. "There is this to be said, then. I will promise to answer you this day twelve-month." "Twelve months," says he, with consternation; his grasp on her hands loosens. "If the prospect frightens or displeases you, there is nothing more to be said," rejoins she coldly. It is she who is calm and composed, he is nervous and anxious. "But a whole year!" "That is nothing," says she, releasing her hands, with a little determined show of strength, from his. "It is for you to decide. I don't care!" Perhaps she hardly grasps the cruelty that lies in this half-impatient speech, until she sees Dysart's face flush painfully. "You need not have said that," says he. "I know it. I am nothing to you really." He pauses, and then says again in a low tone, "Nothing." "Oh, you mustn't feel so much!" cries she, as if tortured. "It is folly to feel at all in this world. What's the good of it. And to feel about me, I am not worth it. If you would only bear that in mind, it might help you." "If I bore that in mind I should not want to make you my wife!" returns he steadily, gravely. "Think as you will yourself, you do not shake my faith in you. Well," with a deep breath, "I accept your terms. For a year I shall feel myself bound to you (though that is a farce, for I shall always be bound to you, soul and body) while you shall hold yourself free, and try to——" "No, no. We must both be equal—both free, while I—" she stops short, coloring warmly, and laughing, "what is it I am to try to do?" "To love me!" replies he, with infinite sadness in look and tone. "Yes," says Joyce slowly, and then again meditatively, "yes." She lifts her eyes presently and regards him strangely. "And if all my trying should not succeed? If I never learn to love you?" "Why, then it is all over. This hope of mine is at an end," say he, so calmly, yet with such deep melancholy, such sad foreboding, that her heart is touched. "Oh! it is a hope of mine too," says she quickly. "If it were not would I listen to you to-day? But you must not be so downhearted; let the worst come to the worst, you will be as well off as you are at this instant." He shakes his head. "Does hope count for nothing, then?" "You would compel me to love you," says she, growing the more vexed as she grows the more sorry for him. "Would you have me marry you even if I did not love you?" Her soft eyes have filled with tears, there is a suspicion of reproach in her voice. "No. I suppose not." He half turns away from her. At this moment a sense of despair falls on him. She will never care for him, never, never. This proposed probation is but a mournful farce, a sorry clinging to a hope that is built on sand. When in the future she marries, as so surely she will, he will not be her husband. Why not give in at once? Why fight with the impossible? Why not break all links (frail as they are sweet), and let her go her way, and he his, while yet there is time? To falter is to court destruction. Then all at once a passionate reaction sets in. Joyce, looking at him, sees the light of battle, the warmth of love the unconquerable, spring into his eyes. No, he will not cave in! He will resist to the last! dispute every inch of the ground, and if finally only defeat is to crown his efforts still——And why should defeat be his? Be it Beauclerk or another, whoever declares himself his rival shall find him a formidable enemy to overcome. "Joyce," says he quickly, turning to her and grasping her hands, "give me my chance. Give me those twelve months; give me your thoughts now and then while they last. I brought you here to-day to say all this knowing we should be alone, and without——" "Tommy?" says she, with a little laugh. "Oh, well! You must confess I got rid of him," says he, smiling too, and glad in his heart to find her so cheerful. "I think if you look into it, that my stratagem, the inciting him to the overcoming of his sister in that race, was the work of a diplomatist of the first water. I quite felt that——" A war whoop behind him dissolves his self-gratulations into nothing. Here comes Tommy the valiant, triumphant, puffed beyond all description with pride and want of breath. "I beat her, I beat her," shrieks he, with the last note left in his tuneful pipe. He staggers the last yard or two and falls into Joyce's arms, that are opened wide to receive him. Who shall say he is not a happy interlude? Evidently Joyce regards him as such. "I came back to tell you," says Tommy, recovering himself a little. "I knew," with the fearless confidence of childhood, "that you'd be longing to know if I beat her, and I did. She's down there how with Bridgie," pointing to the valley beneath, "and she's mad with me because I didn't let her win." "You ought to go back to her," says Dysart, "she'll be madder if you don't." "She won't. She's picking daisies now." "But Bridget will want you." "No," shaking his lovely little head. "Bridgie said: 'ye may go, sir, an' ye needn't be in a hurry back, me an' Mickey Daily have a lot to say about me mother's daughter.'" It would be impossible to describe the accuracy with which Tommy describes Bridget's tone and manner. "Oh! I daresay," says Mr. Dysart. "Me mother's daughter must be a truly enthralling person." "I think Tommy ought to be educated for the stage," says Joyce in a little whisper. "He'll certainly make his mark wherever he goes," says Dysart, laughing. "Tommy," after a careful examination of Monkton, Junior's, seraphic countenance, "don't you think you ought to take your sister on to the Court?" "So I will," says Tommy, "in a minute or two." He has climbed into Joyce's lap, and is now sitting on her with his arms round her neck. To make love to a young woman and to induce her to marry you with a barnacle of this sort hanging round her suggests difficulties. Mr. Dysart waits. "All things come to those who wait," says a wily old proverb. But Dysart proves this proverb a swindle. "Now, Tommy," says he, "the two minutes are up." "I don't care," says Tommy. "I'm tired, and Bridgie said I needn't hurry." "The charms of Mr. Mickey Daly are no doubt great," says Dysart, mildly, "yet I think Bridget must by this time be aware that she wasn't sent out by your mother to tattle to him, but to take you and your sister to play with Bertie. Here, Tommy," decisively, "get off your aunt's lap and run away." "But why?" demands Tommy, aggressively. "What harm am I doing?" "You are tiring your aunt, for one thing." "I'm not! She likes to have me here," defiantly. "I ride a 'cock horse' every night when she's at home, don't I, Joyce? I wish you'd go away," wrathfully, "because then Joyce would come home and play with us again. 'Tis you," glaring at him with deep-seated anger in his eyes, "who are keeping her here!" "Oh, no; you are wrong there," says Dysart with a sad smile. "I could not keep her anywhere, she would not stay with me. But really, Tommy, you know you ought to go on to the Court. Poor little Bertie is looking out for you eagerly. See," plunging his hand into his pocket, "here is half a crown for you to spend on lollipops. I'll give it to you if you'll go back to Bridget." Tommy's eyes brighten. But as quickly the charming blue in them darkens again. There is no tuck shop between this and the Court. "'Tisn't any good," says he mournfully, "the shop's away down there," pointing vaguely backward on the journey he has come. "You look strong in wind and limb; there is no reason to believe that the morrow's sun may not dawn on you," says Mr. Dysart. "And then think, Tommy, think what a joy you will be to old Molly Brien." "Molly gives me four bull's-eyes for a penny," says Tommy reflectively. "That's two to Mabel and two to me, because mammy says baby mustn't have any for fear she'd choke. If there's four for a penny, how many is there for this?" holding out the half crown that lies upon his little brown shapely palm. "That's a sum," says Mr. Dysart. "Tommy, you're a cruel boy;" and having struggled with it for a moment, he says "one hundred and twenty." "No!" says Tommy in a voice faint with hopeful unbelief. "Joyce, 'tisn't true, is it?" "Quite true," says Joyce. "Just fancy, Tommy, one hundred and twenty bull's-eyes, all in one day!" There is such a genuine support of his desire to get rid of Tommy in her tone that Dysart's heart rises within him. "Tie it into my hankercher," says Tommy, without another second's hesitation. "Tie it tight, or it'll slip out and I'll lose it. Good-bye, and thank you, Mr. Dysart," thrusting a hot little fist into his. "I'll keep some of the hundred and twenty ones for you and Joyce." He rushes away down the hill, eager to tell his grand news to Mabel, and presently Joyce and Dysart are alone again. "You see you were not so clever a diplomatist as you thought yourself," says Joyce, smiling faintly; "Tommy came back." "Tommy and I have one desire in common; we both want to be with you." "Could you be bought off like Tommy?" says she, half playfully. "Oh, no! Half a crown would not be good enough." "Would all the riches the world contains be good enough?" says he in a voice very low, but full of emotion. "You know it would not. But you, Joyce—twelve months is a long time. You may see others—if not Beauclerk—others—and——" "Money would not tempt me," says the girl slowly. "If money were your rival, you would indeed be safe. You ought to know that." "Still—Joyce——" He stops suddenly. "May I think of you as Joyce? I have called you so once or twice, but——" "You may always call me so," says she gently, if indifferently. "All my friends call me so, and you—are my friend, surely!" The very sweetness of her manner, cold as ice as it is, drives him to desperation. "Not your friend—your lover!" says he with sudden passion. "Joyce, think of all that I have said—all you nave promised. A small matter to you perhaps—the whole world to me. You will wait for me for twelve months. You will try to love me. You——" "Yes, but there is something more to be said," cries the girl, springing to her feet as if in violent protest, and confronting him with a curious look—set—determined—a little frightened perhaps. <hr style="width: 65%;" /> <div style="break-after:column;"></div>

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