<h2><SPAN name="chap02"></SPAN>CHAPTER TWO:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS</h2>
<h3> THE HISTORIC ASPECT </h3>
<p>“Matrimony,” sings Homer, the poet, “is a holy estate and not lightly to
be entered into.” The “old Roman” is right.</p>
<p>A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of social
customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now forced to
devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides, grooms, ushers and
bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials. Weeks are generally required in
preparation for an up-to-date wedding; months are necessary in recovering
from such an affair. Indeed, some of the participants, notably the bride
and groom, never quite get over the effects of a marriage.</p>
<p>It was not “always thus.” Time was when the wedding was a comparatively
simple affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for example, (as Mr. H. G. Wells of
England points out in his able “Outline of History”), there is no evidence
of any particular ceremony conjunctive with the marriage of “a male and a
female.” Even with the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding seems to have
been consummated by the rather simple process of having the bridegroom
crack the bride over the head with a plain, unornamented stone ax. There
were no ushers—no bridesmaids. But shortly after that (c- 10,329—30
B.C. to be exact) two young Neoliths named Haig, living in what is now
supposed to be Scotland, discovered that the prolonged distillation of
common barley resulted in the creation of an amber-colored liquid which,
when taken internally, produced a curious and not unpleasant effect.</p>
<p>This discovery had—and still has—a remarkable effect upon the
celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around the
wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers’ discovery of Scotch
whiskey began, as a matter of course, the institution of the “bachelor
dinner.” “Necessity is the mother of invention,” and exactly twelve years
after the first “bachelor dinner” came the discovery of bicarbonate of
soda. From that time down to the present day the history of the etiquette
of weddings has been that of an increasing number of intricate forms and
ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit of ritual. The modern
wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an “Outline of History”
itself.</p>
<h3> ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT </h3>
<p>Let us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor characters
at a wedding—the Groom. Suppose that you are an eligible young man
named Richard Roe, who has just become “engaged” to a young lady named
Dorothy Doe. If you really intend to “marry the girl,” it is customary
that some formal announcement of the engagement be made, for which you
must have the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It is not
generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will surprise
you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady whom you believe to
be your fiancée to consent to a public announcement of the fact. The
reason for this probably is that an engagement which has been “announced”
often leads to matrimony, and matrimony, in polite society, often lasts
for several years. After you have secured the girl’s permission, it is
next necessary that you notify her father of the engagement. In this
particular case, as he happens to be your employer, the notification can
take place in his office. First of all, however, it would be advisable to
prepare some sort of speech in advance. Aim to put him as far as possible
at his ease, lead up to the subject gradually and tactfully. Abruptness is
never “good form.” The following is suggested as a possible model. “Good
morning, Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story from a traveling salesman last
night. It seems that there was a young married couple—(here insert a
good story about a young married couple). Wasn’t that <i>rich</i>? Yes, sir,
marriage is a great thing—a great institution. Every young man ought
to get married, don’t you think? You do? Well, Mr. Doe, I’ve got a
surprise for you, (here move toward the door). I’m going to (here open the
door) marry (step out of the room) your daughter” (close the door
quickly).</p>
<h3> THE BRIDE-TO-BE </h3>
<p>Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary for the
bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young men to whom she
happens to be engaged at the time. These notes should be kindly,
sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be written to all, provided
there is no chance of their comparing notes. The following is suggested:</p>
<p>“Dear Bob—</p>
<p>Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to Richard
Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine fellow and I would
rather have you like him than any one I know. I feel that he and I shall
be very happy together, and I want you to be the first to know about it.
Your friendship will always remain one of the brightest things in my life,
Bob, but, of course, I probably won’t be able to go to the Aiken dance
with you now. Please don’t tell anybody about it yet. I shall never forget
the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and will you please return
those silly letters of mine. I am sending you yours.”</p>
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image11.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Ignorance of Sporting Terms Betrays the “Cockney”" /> <span class="caption"><i>Nothing so completely betrays the “Cockney” as a faulty knowledge of sporting terms. The young lady at the left has just returned from the hunting field hand-in-hand with the
dashing “lead,” who happens to be an eligible billionaire. Her
hostess, the mother of the sub-deb at the right, has greeted her by hissing,
“S—o—o! I see you’ve had a good day’s
hunting!” The use of this unsportsmanlike expression—in stead of
the correct “Hope you had a good run,” or “Where did you
find?”—at once discloses the hostess’s mean origin and the
young lady will almost certainly never accept another invitation to her
house.</i></span></div>
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image12.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Proper Attitude Towards the Hostess’ Furniture" /> <span class="caption"><i>In this work-a-day world, one is likely to forget that there is an etiquette of pleasure, just as there is an etiquette of dancing or the opera. One often hears a charming hostess refuse to invite this or that
person to her home for a game of billiards on the ground that he or she is a
“bum sport” or a “rotten loser.” The above scene
illustrates one of the little, but conspicuous, blunders that people make. The
gentleman, having missed his fifth consecutive shot, has broken his cue over
his knee and is ripping the baize off the table with the sharp end. This
display is not in the best taste.</i></span></div>
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image13.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Correct Bathing Costumes for Ladies" /> <span class="caption"><i>Good form at the beach is still a question of debate. Some authorities on the subject insist that the Rubenesque type is preferable, while others claim that the Byzantine is more fashionable. One thing is
certain—it is absolutely incorrect for ladies who weigh less than 75 or
more than 275 pounds (avoirdupois) to appear in costumes that would offend
against modesty. It is also considered rude to hold one’s swimming
partner under water for more then the formal quarter of an hour.</i></span></div>
<h3> THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON </h3>
<p>The engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the parents
of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair, only fifteen or
twenty of the most intimate friends of the engaged “couple” being invited.
It is one of the customs of engagement luncheons that all the guests shall
be tremendously surprised at the news, and great care should be taken to
aid them in carrying out this tradition. On the invitations, for example,
should be written some misleading phrase, such as “To meet General
Pershing” or “Not to Announce the Engagement of our Daughter.”</p>
<p>The announcement itself which should be made soon after the guests are
seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display of originality and
should aim to afford the guest a surprise and perhaps a laugh, for
laughter of a certain quiet kind is often welcome at social functions. One
of the most favored methods of announcing an engagement is by the use of
symbolic figures embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus, for
example, in the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to Dorothy
Doe it would be “unique” to have the first course at luncheon consist of a
diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a heart shaped
order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be mystified, but soon cries
of “Oh, how sweet!” will arise and congratulations are then in order.
Great care should be taken, however, that the symbolic figures are not
misunderstood; it would be extremely embarrassing, for example, if in the
above instance, a young man named “Shad” or “Aquarium” were to receive the
congratulations instead of the proper person. Other suggestions for
symbolistic announcements of some of the more common names are as follows:</p>
<p>“<i>Cohan-O’Brien</i>”—ice cream cones on a plate of O’Brien potatoes.</p>
<p>“<i>Ames-Green</i>—green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at
something.</p>
<p>“<i>Thorne-Hoyt</i>—figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from foot
with expression on his face signifying “This hoits.”</p>
<p>“<i>Bullitt-Bartlett</i>—bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre
bullets.</p>
<p>“<i>Tweed-Ellis</i>”—frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a
solitary figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit.</p>
<p>“<i>Gordon-Fuller</i>”—two paper-mache figures—one representing a
young man full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man fuller.</p>
<p>“<i>Hatch-Gillette</i>”—figure of a chicken surprised at having hatched a
safety razor.</p>
<p>“<i>Graves-Colgate</i>”—figure of a man brushing his teeth in a cemetery.</p>
<p>“<i>Heinz-Fish</i>”—57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one plate.</p>
<h3> SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY </h3>
<p>AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of the
prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten bridesmaids,
while the groom must choose his best man and ushers. In making these
selections it should be carefully borne in mind that no wedding party is
complete without the following:</p>
<p class="letter">
1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales.<br/>
2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody.<br/>
1 bridesmaid who doesn’t “Pet.”<br/>
1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence’s.<br/>
1 bridesmaid who talks “Southern.”<br/>
1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once.<br/>
1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley.<br/>
1 usher who doesn’t drink anything.<br/>
9 ushers who drink anything.</p>
<p>In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary for the
bride’s friends, to give for her a number of “showers.” These are for the
purpose of providing her with various necessities for her wedded household
life. These affairs should be informal and only her dearest or wealthiest
friends should be invited. A clever bride will generally arrange secretly
for several of these “showers” by promising a certain percentage (usually
15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all over that amount) to
the friend who gives the party. Some of the more customary “showers” of
common household articles for the new bride are toothpaste, milk of
magnesia, screen doors, copies of Service’s poems, Cape Cod lighters,
pictures of “Age of Innocence” and back numbers of the “Atlantic Monthly.”</p>
<h3> INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS </h3>
<p>The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between two and
three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although the out-of-town
invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to allow the recipient to
purchase and forward a suitable present. As the gifts are received, a
check mark should be placed after the name of the donor, together with a
short description of the present and an estimate as to its probable cost.
This list is to be used later, at the wedding reception, in determining
the manner in which the bride is to greet the various guests. It has been
found helpful by many brides to devise some sort of memory system whereby
certain names immediately suggest certain responses, thus:</p>
<p>“Mr. Snodgrass—copy of ‘Highways and Byways in Old France’”—c.
$6.50—“how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?”</p>
<p>“Mr. Brackett—Solid silver candlesticks—$68.50”—“hello,
Bob, you old peach. How about a kiss?”</p>
<p>The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before the
ceremony, with the arrival of the “wedding party,” in which party the most
responsible position is that of best man. Let us suppose that you are to
be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials. What are your duties?</p>
<p>In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by a course
of training extending for over a month or more prior to the actual event.
It should be your aim to work yourself into such a condition that you can
go for three nights without sleep, talk for hours to the most impossibly
stupid of young women, and consume an unending amount of alcohol. You are
then prepared for the bachelor dinner, the bridal dinner, the bridesmaids,
the wedding, and the wedding reception.</p>
<h3> DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN </h3>
<p>Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place you will
be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home of the bride where
you are to stay. There you are met by the bride’s father. “This is my best
man,” says the groom. “The best man?” replies her father. “Well, may the
best man win.” At once you reply, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” He then says, “Is this
your first visit to Chicago?” to which the correct answer is, “Yes, sir,
but I hope it isn’t my last.”</p>
<p>The bride’s mother then appears. “This is my best man,” says the groom.
“Well,” says she, “remember—the best man doesn’t always win.” “Ha!
Ha! Ha!” you at once reply. “Is this your first visit to Chicago?” says
she, to which you answer, “Yes—but I hope it isn’t my last.”</p>
<p>You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to unpack.
In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy enter. This is the
brother of the bride. You smile at him pleasantly and remark, “Is this
your first visit to Chicago?” “What are you doing?” is his answer.
“Unpacking,” you reply. “What’s that?” says he. “A cutaway,” you reply.
“What’s that?” says he. “A collar bag.” “What’s that?” “A dress shirt.”
“What’s that?” says he. “Another dress shirt.” “What’s that?” says he.
“Say, listen,” you reply, “don’t I hear some one calling you?” “No,” says
he, “what’s that?” “That,” you reply, with a sigh of relief, “is a razor.
Here—take it and play with it.” In three minutes, if you have any
luck at all, the bride’s brother will have cut himself severely in several
places which will cause him to run crying from the room. You can then
finish unpacking.</p>
<h3> THE BRIDE’S TEA </h3>
<p>The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a tea at
the bride’s home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to become
“acquainted.” It is your duty, as best man, to go to the hotel where the
ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. Just as you will leave on
this mission the groom will whisper in your ear, “For God’s sake, remember
to tell them that her father and mother are terribly opposed to drinking
in any form.” This is an awfully good joke on her father and mother.</p>
<p>As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the hall a
chorus shouting, “Mademoiselle from Armentières—<i>parlez vous!</i>” Those
are your ushers.</p>
<p>Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce, “Fellows, we
have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s go.” At this, ten
young men in cutaways will stand up and shout, “Yeaaa—the best man—give
the best man a drink!” From then on, at twelve minute intervals, it is
your duty to say, “Fellows, we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s
go.” Each time you will be handed another drink, which you may take with
either your right or left hand.</p>
<p>After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He will say,
“Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers,” to which you reply, “We are
just leaving.” He then says, “And don’t forget to tell them what I told
you about her father and mother.”</p>
<p>You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say, “Fellows,
I have a very solemn message for you. It’s a message which is of deep
importance to each one of us. Fellows—her father and mother object
to the use of alcohol in any form.”</p>
<p>This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will all then
take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray gloves, and leave the
room singing, “Her father and mother object to drink—<i>parlez vous</i>.”</p>
<p>The tea given by the bride’s parents is generally a small affair to which
only the members of the wedding party are invited. When you and the ushers
arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of honor and the bridesmaids
waiting for you. As you enter the room, make a polite bow to the bride’s
father and mother, and be sure to apologize for your lateness. Nothing so
betrays the social “oil can” as a failure to make a plausible excuse for
tardiness. Whenever you are late for a party you must always have ready
some good reason for your fault, such as, “Excuse me, Mrs. Doe, I’m afraid
I am a little late, but you see, just as I was dressing, this filling
dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put back in.” If the host and
hostess seem to doubt your statement, it would be well to show them the
recalcitrant filling in question, although if they are “well-bred” they
will probably in most cases take you at your word.</p>
<h3> THE MAID OF HONOR </h3>
<p>You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and the maid
of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the bride’s older
sister and, of course, your partner for the remainder of the wedding
festivities, she will say, “The best man? Well, they say that the best man
wins... Ha! Ha! Ha!” This puts her in class G 6 without further
examination, and your only hope of prolonging your life throughout the
next two days lies in the frequent and periodic administration of
stimulants.</p>
<h3> THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER </h3>
<p>That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what is known
as a “bachelor dinner.” It is his farewell to his men friends as he passes
out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal passing out generally occurs
toward the end of the dinner, and is a quaint ceremony participated in by
most of those present.</p>
<p>It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the following
day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where you are or how you
got there. You will be wearing your dress trousers, your stiff or pleated
bosom dress shirt, black socks and pumps, and the coat of your pajamas. In
one hand you will be clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few minutes there
will come a low moan from the next bed. That is usually the groom, also in
evening dress with the exception that he has tried to put on the trousers
of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then say, “What happened?” to
which he replies, “Oh, Judas.” You wait several minutes. In the next room
you hear the sound of a shower bath and some one whistling. The bath
stops; the whistling continues. The door then opens and there enters one
of the ushers. He is the usher who always “feels great” the next day after
the bachelor dinner. He says to you, “Well, boys, you look all in.” You do
not reply. He continues, “Gosh, I feel fine.” You make no response. He
then begins to chuckle, “I don’t suppose you remember,” he says, “what you
said to the bride’s mother when I brought you home last night.” You sit
quickly up in bed. “What did I say?” you ask. “Was I tight?” “Were you
tight?” he replies, still chuckling. “Don’t you remember what you said?
And don’t you remember trying to get the bride’s father to slide down the
banisters with you? Were you tight—Oh, my gosh!” He then exits,
chuckling. Statistics of several important life insurance companies show
that that type of man generally dies a violent death before the age of
thirty.</p>
<h3> THE REHEARSAL </h3>
<p>The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on the
afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of course, are an
hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an opportunity to meet the
minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long chat about religion, while the best
man (Atheist) talks to the eighty-three year old sexton who buried the
bride’s grandpa and grandma and has knowed little Miss Dorothy come twenty
years next Michaelmas. The best man’s offer of twenty-five dollars, if the
sexton will at once bury the maid of honor, is generally refused as a
matter of courtesy.</p>
<h3> THE BRIDAL DINNER </h3>
<p>In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner, to which
all the relatives and close friends of the family are invited. Toasts are
drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia Dare wine, and much
good-natured fun is indulged in by all. Speeches are usually made by the
bride and groom, their parents, the best man, the maid of honor, the
minister and Aunt Harriet.</p>
<p>Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible!</p>
<h3> A CHURCH WEDDING </h3>
<p>On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the church an
hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony. They should be
dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and gardenias provided by the
groom.</p>
<p>It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the wedding. As
you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the bed, a pale, wan,
emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at the ceiling. It is the happy
bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks feebly. “What time is it?” he says.
You reply, “Two-thirty, old man. Time to start getting dressed.” “Oh, my
God!” says the groom. Ten minutes pass. “What time is it?” says the groom.
“Twenty of three,” you reply. “Here’s your shirt.” “Oh, my God!” says the
groom.</p>
<p>He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. “Better have a
little Scotch, old man,” you say. “What time is it?” he replies. “Five of
three,” you say. “Oh, my God!” says the groom.</p>
<p>At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly at
three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into a little
side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse for the few brief
hours which elapse between three-forty-five and four o’clock. Occasionally
he stirs and a faint spark of life seems to struggle in his sunken eyes.
His lips move feebly. You bend over to catch his dying words. “Have—you—got—the
ring?” he whispers. “Yes,” you reply. “Everything’s fine. You look great,
too, old man.” The sound of the organ reaches your ears. The groom groans.
“Have you got the ring?” he says.</p>
<p>Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing the
invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher will always
have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of conversation to make the
guests feel perfectly at home as he conducts them to their seats. “It’s a
nice day, isn’t it?” is suggested as a perfectly safe and yet not too
unusual topic of conversation. This can be varied by remarking, “Isn’t it
a nice day?” or in some cases, where you do not wish to appear too
forward, “Is it a nice day, or isn’t it?” An usher should also remember
that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a floor-walker nor a bond
salesman, and remarks such as “Something in a dotted Swiss?” or “Third
aisle over—second pew—next the ribbon goods,” are decidedly
<i>non au fait</i>.</p>
<p>The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always reserved
for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly established custom
that the ushers shall seat in these “family pews” at least three people
with whom the family are barely on speaking terms. This slight error
always causes Aunt Nellie and Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery with the
family cook.</p>
<p>With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the organist to
start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn’s or Wagner’s. About
this time the mother of the bride generally discovers that the third
candle from the left on the rear altar has not been lighted, which causes
a delay of some fifteen minutes during which time the organist improvises
one hundred and seventy-three variations on the opening strains of the
march.</p>
<p>Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle led by
the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always customary for three
or four of the eight ushers to have absolutely no conception of time or
rhythm, which adds a quaint touch of uncertainty and often a little humor
to the performance.</p>
<p>After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared, there come
the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning on her father’s arm
(unless, of course, her father is dead), the bride.</p>
<p>In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best man and
awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is usually four
hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and bridesmaids step awkwardly to
one side; the groom advances and a hush falls over the congregation which
is the signal for the bride’s little niece to ask loudly, “What’s that
funny looking man going to do, Aunt Dotty?”</p>
<p>Then follows the religious ceremony.</p>
<p>Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the bride’s
home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and forty-two invited
guests make the same joke about kissing the bride. At the reception it is
customary for the ushers and the best man to crawl off in separate corners
and die.</p>
<p>The wedding “festivities” are generally concluded with the disappearance
of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited guests and four of the
most valuable presents.</p>
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image14.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Man of Refinement Controls His Emotions" /> <span class="caption"><i>The man of culture and refinement, while always considerate to those beneath him in station, never, under any circumstances, loses control of his emotions for an instant. Though the gentleman-rider in the
picture may be touchingly fond of his steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably
bad form for him to make an exhibition of his affection while going over the
brush in plain view of numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply is
making a “guy” of himself, and it is no more than he deserves if
those in the gallery raise their eyebrows at each other and smile
knowingly.</i></span></div>
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image15.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Comparative Advantages of the Pen—the Phone" /> <span class="caption"><i>The Romans had a proverb, “Litera scripta manet,” which means “The written letter remains.” The subtle wisdom of these words was no doubt well known to the men of the later
Paleolithic Age before them, but evidently the gentleman in the engraving never
heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of social correspondence in
mind he would have avoided the painful experience of hearing his obsolete
emotions exposed to the eager ears of twelve perfect strangers. It is customary
nowadays for unmarried elder sons of our most aristocratic families to express
their appreciation of the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls over the
sensible, though plebeian, telephone.</i></span></div>
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