<SPAN name="startofbook"></SPAN>
<h1>Perfect Behavior</h1>
<h2>by Donald Ogden Stewart</h2>
<h3>Illustrated by Ralph Barton</h3>
<h4>A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises</h4>
<hr />
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image01.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="frontispiece" /></div>
<p class="letter">
Those who are not self-possessed obtrude
and pain us.—EMERSON
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
A parody outline of etiquette by the Author of “A Parody
Outline of History”<br/>
<br/>
The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes
pain.—OLD PROVERB
<br/><br/><br/><br/></p>
<p class="center">
TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED<br/>
BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE<br/>
ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT<br/>
ARM OF HER FATHER<br/>
<i>With Deepest Sympathy</i></p>
<h2>Contents</h2>
<table summary="" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto">
<tr>
<td> <SPAN href="#chap01">CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP</SPAN></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td> <SPAN href="#chap02">CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS</SPAN></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td> <SPAN href="#chap03">CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL</SPAN></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td> <SPAN href="#chap04">CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA</SPAN></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td> <SPAN href="#chap05">CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS</SPAN></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td> <SPAN href="#chap06">CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS</SPAN></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td> <SPAN href="#chap07">CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS</SPAN></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td> <SPAN href="#chap08">CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS</SPAN></td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td> <SPAN href="#chap09">CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS</SPAN></td>
</tr>
</table>
<h2> CONTENTS </h2>
<p><SPAN href="#chap01">I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP</SPAN> A Few Words about
Love—Curious Incident in a Yellow Taxicab—A Silly
Girl—Correct Introductions and how to Make Them—A Well Known
Congressman’s Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish Bath—Cards and
Flowers—Flowers and their Message in Courtship—“A Clean Tooth
Never Decays”—Receiving an Invitation to Call—The Etiquette
of Telephoning-A Telephone Girl’s Horrible End—Making the First
Call—Conversation and Some of its Uses—A Proper Call—The
Proposal Proper-The Proposal Improper—What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Said to the ex-Clergyman’s Niece.<br/><br/></p>
<p><SPAN href="#chap02">II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS</SPAN> The
Historic Aspect—Announcing the Engagement—A Breton Fisher
Girl’s Experience with a Traveling Salesman—The
Bride-to-Be—The Engagement Luncheon—Selecting the Bridal
Party—Invitations and Wedding Presents—A Good Joke on the
Groom—“Madam, those are my trousers”—Duties of the Best
Man—A Demented Taxidermist’s Strange Gift—The Bride’s
Tea—The Maid of Honor—What Aunt Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The
Bachelor Dinner and After-Some Practical Uses for Bi-Carbonate of
Soda—The Rehearsal—The Bridal Dinner—A Church Wedding.<br/><br/></p>
<p><SPAN href="#chap03">III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL</SPAN> Hints for the Correct
Pedestrianism—Description of a Walk around Philadelphia with a Pueblo
Indian in 1837—Travelling by Rail— Good Form on a Street
Car—In the Subway—Fun with an Old Gentleman’s
Whiskers—A Honeymoon in a Subway—Travelling under Steam-A Correct
Night in a Pullman-What Burton Holmes Found in His Lower Berth.<br/><br/></p>
<p><SPAN href="#chap04">IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA</SPAN> Listening to a Symphony
Orchestra—Curious Effect of Debussy’s “Apres-midi d’un
Faune” and four gin fizzes on Uncle Frederick—“No, fool like
an old fool”—Correct Behavior at a Piano Recital—Choosing
One’s Nearest Exit—In a Box at the Opera—What a Kansas City
Society Leader Did with Her Old Victrola Records.<br/><br/></p>
<p><SPAN href="#chap05">V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS</SPAN> Some Broader Aspects of
Prohibition—Interesting Effect of Whisky on Goldfish—The College
Graduate as Dry Agent—Aunt Emily’s Amusing Experiences with a Quart
of Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct
Costumes—A California Motion Picture Actress’s Bad Taste—Good
Form for Dry Agents During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr.
Volstead.<br/><br/></p>
<p><SPAN href="#chap06">VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS</SPAN> Selecting a Proper
School—Account of an Interesting Trip Down the Eric Canal with Miss
Spence—Correct Equipment for the Schoolgirl—En Route—ln New
York—A journey Around the City—Description of the Visit of Ed.
Pinaud to the Aquarium in 1858—The First Days in the New
School—“After Lights” in a Dormitory—An “Old
Schoolgirl’s” Confessions—Becoming Acclimatized—A
Visitor from Princeton-Strange Pets.<br/><br/></p>
<p><SPAN href="#chap07">VII. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS</SPAN> Golf as a
Pastime—What Henry Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His Niblic—An
Afternoon at the Old Farm with the Dice—“Shoot you for your ear
trumpet, grandfather!”—Correct Behavior on a Picnic—A Swedish
Nobleman’s Curious Method of Eating Potato Chips—Boxing in American
Society—A Good Joke on an Amateur Boxer—“He didn’t know
it was Jack Dempsey!”—Bridge Whist—Formal and Informal
Drinking—A jolly Hallowe’en Party—Invitations—Receiving
the Guests—How to Mystify—Games.<br/><br/></p>
<p><SPAN href="#chap08">VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS</SPAN> Correspondence for
Young Ladies—College Boys How to Order a Full Dress Suit by
Mail—Letters to Parents—A Prominent Retired Bank President’s
Advice to Correspondents—Letters from Parents—Peculiarities of the
Divorce Laws of New York—Letters to Prospective Fathers-in-Law—A
Correct Form of Letter to a Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery
Bill for Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents—Love
Letters—Correspondence of Public Officials—-Letters to
Strangers—Letters to Newspapers, Magazines, etc.—Invitations,
Acceptances and Regrets.<br/><br/></p>
<p><SPAN href="#chap09">IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS</SPAN> Formal Dinners in
America-Table Manners for Children—Removing Stains from Gray Silk—A
Child’s Garden of Etiquette—Etiquette in the
School—Conversation at Dinner—What a New Jersey Lady Did with Her
Olive Seeds—Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of Dinner Table
Conversation—“It Seems that Pat and Mike”—Balls and
Dances—-Artificial Respiration—Mixed Dancing—Hints for Stags.
A Word of Warning and Encouragement</p>
<h2><SPAN name="chap01"></SPAN>CHAPTER ONE:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP</h2>
<h3> A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE </h3>
<p>Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating in some
countries such long-established usages as marriage, or the wearing of
white neckties with full evening dress. The beginnings of the etiquette of
courtship were apparently connected in some way with the custom of “love”
between the sexes, and many of the old amatory forms still survive in the
modern courtship. It is generally agreed among students of the history of
etiquette that when “love” first began to become popular among the better
class of younger people they took to it with such avidity that it was
necessary to devise some sort of rules for the conduct of formal or
informal love-making. These rules, together with various amendments, now
constitute the etiquette of courtship.</p>
<p>Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named Richard Roe
desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with some refined young girl
of fashion. You are also, being a college graduate, engaged in the bond
business. One morning there comes into your financial institution a young
lady, named Dorothy Doe, who at once attracts your attention by her
genteel manners, as exemplified by the fact that she calls the president
of your company “father.” So many young people seem to think it “smart” to
refer to their parents as “dad” or “my old man”; you are certain, as soon
as you hear her say “Hello, father” to your employer, that she is
undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship.</p>
<h3> CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM </h3>
<p>Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an introduction.
Introductions still play an important part in social intercourse, and many
errors are often perpetrated by those ignorant of <i>savoir faire</i> (correct
form). When introducing a young lady to a stranger for example, it is not
<i>au fait</i> (correct form) to simply say, “Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands
with my friend Dorothy.” Under the rules of the <i>beau monde</i> (correct form)
this would probably be done as follows: “Dorothy (or Miss Doe), shake
hands with Mr. Roe.” Always give the name of the lady first, unless you
are introducing some one to the President of the United States, the
Archbishop of Canterbury, a member of the nobility above a baron, or a
customer. The person who is being “introduced” then extends his (or her)
right ungloved hand and says, “Shake.” You “shake,” saying at the same
time, “It’s warm (cool) for November (May),” to which the other replies,
“I’ll say it is.”</p>
<p>This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people to each
other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is generally done by
saying very quickly to one of the parties, “Of course you know Miss
Unkunkunk.” Say the last “unk” very quickly, so that it sounds like any
name from Ab to Zinc. You might even sneeze violently. Of course, in nine
cases out of ten, one of the two people will at once say, “I didn’t get
the name,” at which you laugh, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” in a carefree manner several
times, saying at the same time, “Well, well—so you didn’t get the
name—you didn’t get the name—well, well.” If the man still
persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being introduced, the
best procedure consists in simply braining him on the spot with a club or
convenient slab of paving stone.</p>
<p>The “introduction,” in cases where you have no mutual friend to do the
introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally be arranged as
follows:</p>
<p>Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any of the
better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social Register,
preferably) the location of the young lady’s residence, and go there on
some dark evening about nine o’clock. Fasten the rope across the sidewalk
in front of the residence about six inches or a foot from the ground.
Then, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, set fire to the young
lady’s house in several places and retire behind a convenient tree. After
some time, if she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of
her house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will fail
to notice the rope which you have stretched across the sidewalk and will
fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an introduction. Stepping up to
her and touching your hat politely, you say, in a well modulated voice, “I
beg your pardon, Miss Doe, but I cannot help noticing that you are lying
prone on the sidewalk.” If she is well bred, she will not at first speak
to you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should be
your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, “I realize, Miss Doe, that
I have not had the honor of an introduction, but you will admit that you
are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is my card—and here is one for
Mrs. Doe, your mother.” At that you should hand her two plain engraved
calling cards, each containing your name and address. If there are any
other ladies in her family—aunts, grandmothers, et cetera—it
is correct to leave cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean,
as the name on the calling card is generally sufficient for identification
purposes without the addition of the thumbprint.</p>
<p>When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, after
which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to rise from the
sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions further upon her at this
time, but after expressing the proper regret over her misfortune it would
be well to bow and retire.</p>
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image02.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Table Manners Betray One’s Bringing-Up" /> <span class="caption"><i>Every one knows that table manners betray one’s bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the picture has good reason to wish a meteorite would fall on him. His perpendicularity has just been restored by a
deft upward movement of Aunt Harriet’s shoulder, upon which he had
inadvertently rested his head during a quiet snooze while Cousin Edna was
making her little speech at the Bridal Dinner.</i> <small>PERFECT
BEHAVIOR</small> <i>would have Pasteurized him against even Bridal
Dinners</i>.</span></div>
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image03.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Hat? Toupee? or Book?" /> <span class="caption"><i>When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to whom she has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has been married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely lift his hat or should he
lift both his hat and his toupee? Street etiquette is disposed authoritatively
and finally in</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>.</span></div>
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image04.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Park Benches and Their Uses" /> <span class="caption"><i>You are, let us pretend, walking in the park. You come upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. Would you know which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) a young man just out of
college—(2) a rather homely young woman? To avoid embarrassment look this
up in</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>.</span></div>
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image05.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Travelling with a Player Piano" /> <span class="caption"><i>A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for a house-party in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been educated abroad, has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the jew’s harp or the
saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the world, attempting to
contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming evenings by bringing along his
player-piano. Would you—be honest!—have recognized his action as a
serious social blunder without having referred to</i> <small>PERFECT
BEHAVIOR</small>?</span></div>
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image06.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Child, a Banana, A Hard-Boiled Egg" /> <span class="caption"><i>The young mother in the picture is traveling from one point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to commit as great a nuisance as possible, she has provided her child with a banana and a hard boiled egg. Not
having dipped into the chapter on travel in</i> <small>PERFECT
BEHAVIOR</small>, <i>she is ignorant of the fact that a peach would have
produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains and a folding cup for
the water cooler would have spread the disturbance over a wider
area</i>.</span></div>
<h3> CARDS AND FLOWERS </h3>
<p>The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another of your
cards. It might be well to write some message on the card recalling the
events of the preceding evening—nothing intimate, but simply a
reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that you might possibly
desire to continue the acquaintanceship. Quotations from poetry of the
better sort are always appropriate; thus, on this occasion, it might be
nice to write on the card accompanying the flowers—“‘This is the
forest primeval’—H. W. Longfellow,” or “‘Take, oh take, those lips
away’—W. Shakespeare.” You will find there are hundreds of lines
equally appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this connection
it might be well to display a little originality at times by substituting
pertinent verses of your own in place of the conventional quotations. For
example—“This is the forest primeval, I regret your last evening’s
upheaval,” shows the young lady in question that not only are you
well-read in classic poetry, but also you have no mean talent of your own.
Too much originality, however, is dangerous, especially in polite social
intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors of the social
ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk on their own
hook.</p>
<p>Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you should
receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: “My dear Mr. Roe:
Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They are lovely, and I
cannot thank you enough for your thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance
fills my room as I write, and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely of
you.”</p>
<h3> FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP </h3>
<p>It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of courtship.
Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative doubt that she is
“interested,” and the next move is “up to you.” Probably she will soon
come into the office to see her father, in which case you should have
ready at hand some appropriate gift, such as, for example, a nice potted
geranium. Great care should be taken, however, that it is a plant of the
correct species, for in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have
different meanings and many a promising affair has been ruined because a
suitor sent his lady a buttercup, meaning “That’s the last dance I’ll ever
take you to, you big cow,” instead of a plant with a more tender
significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in courtship
are as follows:</p>
<p>Fringed Gentian—“I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30.”</p>
<p>Poppy—“I would be proud to be the father of your children.”</p>
<p>Golden-rod—“I hear that you have hay-fever.”</p>
<p>Tuberose—“Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway station.”</p>
<p>Blood-root—“Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday.”</p>
<p>Dutchman’s Breeches—“That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has
arrived. Come on over.”</p>
<p>Iris—“Could you learn to love an optician?”</p>
<p>Aster—“Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in the
hotel lobby Friday?”</p>
<p>Deadly Nightshade—“Pull down those blinds, quick!”</p>
<p>Passion Flower—“Phone Main 1249—ask for Eddie.”</p>
<p>Raspberry—“I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O’Keefe
Tuesday.”</p>
<p>Wild Thyme—“I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon.”</p>
<p>The above flowers can also be combined to make different meanings, as, for
example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses and some Virginia creeper
generally signifies the following, “The reason I didn’t call for you
yesterday was that I had three inner tube punctures, besides a lot of
engine trouble in that old car I bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, I’m
sorry!”</p>
<p>But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss Doe
leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in your left
hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to her, remove your hat
(or cap) with your right hand, and offer her the geranium, remarking, “I
beg your pardon, miss, but didn’t you drop this?” A great deal depends
upon the manner in which you offer the plant and the way she receives it.
If you hand it to her with the flower pointing upward it means, “Dare I
hope?” Reversed, it signifies, “Your petticoat shows about an inch, or an
inch and a half.” If she receives the plant in her right hand, it means,
“I am”; left hand, “You are”; both hands—“He, she or it is.” If,
however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and breaks it with great
force on your head, the meaning is usually negative and your only correct
course of procedure is a hasty bow and a brief apology.</p>
<h3> RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL </h3>
<p>Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a manner
that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your next move
should be a request for an invitation to call upon her at her home. This
should, above all things, not be done crudely. It is better merely to
suggest your wish by some indirect method such as, “Oh—so you live
on William Street. Well, well! I often walk on William Street in the
evening, but I have never called on any girl there—<i>yet</i>.” The “yet”
may be accompanied by a slight raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a
friendly nudge with your elbow. Unless she is unusually “dense” she will
probably “take the hint” and invite you to come and see her some evening.
At once you should say, “<i>What</i> evening? How about <i>to-night</i>?” If she says
that she is already engaged for that evening, take a calendar out of your
pocket and remark, “Tomorrow? Wednesday? Thursday? Friday? I really have
no engagements between now and October. Saturday? Sunday?” This will show
her that you are really desirous of calling upon her and she will probably
say, “Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you had better telephone
me first.”</p>
<h3> THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING </h3>
<p>On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public telephone-booth
in order to call the young lady’s house. The etiquette of telephoning is
quite important and many otherwise perfectly well-bred people often make
themselves conspicuous because they do not know the correct procedure in
using this modern but almost indispensable invention. Upon entering the
telephone-booth, which is located, say, in some drug store, you remove the
receiver from the hook and deposit the requisite coin in the coin box.
After an interval of some minutes a young lady (referred to as “Central”)
will ask for your “Number, please.” Suppose, for example, that you wish to
get Bryant 4310. Remove your hat politely and speak that number into the
mouthpiece. “Central” will then say, “Rhinelander 4310.” To which you
reply, “NO, Central—<i>Bryant</i> 4310.” Central then says, “I beg your
pardon—Bryant 4310,” to which you reply, “Yes, please.” In a few
minutes a voice at the other end of the line says, “Hello,” to which you
answer, “Is Miss Doe at home?” The voice then says, “Who?” You say, “Miss
Doe, please—Miss Dorothy Doe.” You then hear the following, “Wait a
minute. Say, Charlie, is they anybody works around here by the name of
Doe? There’s a guy wants to talk to a Miss Doe. Here—you answer it.”
Another voice then says, “Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He says, “What do you
want?” You reply, “I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “What
department does she work in?” You reply, “Is this the residence of J.
Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?” He says, “Wait a
minute.” You wait a minute. You wait several. Another voice—a new
voice says-“Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He says, “Give me Stuyvesant 8864.”
You say, “But I’m trying to get Miss Doe—Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says,
“Who?” You say, “Is this the residence of—” He says, “Naw—this
is Goebel Brothers, Wholesale Grocers—what number do you want?” You
say, “Bryant 4310.” He says, “Well, this is Rhinelander 4310.” You then
hang up the receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, and
inasmuch as you are the only person near the phone you take up the
receiver and say, “Hello.” A female voice, says, “Hello, dearie—don’t
you know who this is?” You say, politely but firmly, “No.” She says,
“Guess!” You guess “Mrs. Warren G. Harding.” She says, “No. This is Ethel.
Is Walter there?” You reply, “Walter?” She says, “Ask him to come to the
phone, will you? He lives up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell
‘Walter’ at the third door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to
him—no, wait—tell him it’s Madge.” Being a gentleman, you
comply with the lady’s request. After bringing Walter to the phone, you
obligingly wait for some twenty minutes while he converses with Ethel—no,
Madge. When he has finished, you once more enter the booth and tell
“Central” you want Bryant 4310. After a few minutes “Central” says, “What
number did you call?” You say patiently, “Bryant 4310.” She replies,
“Bryant 4310 has been changed to Schuyler 6372.” You ask for Schuyler
6372. Finally a woman’s voice says, “Yass.” You say, “Is Miss Doe in?” She
replies, “Yass.” You say, “May I speak to her?” She says, “Who?” You
reply, “You said Miss Doe was at home, didn’t you?” She replies, “Yass.”
You say, “Well, may I speak to her?” The voice says, “Who?” You shout,
“Miss Doe.” The voice says, “She ban out.” You shriek, “Oh, go to hell!”
and assuming a graceful, easy position in the booth, you proceed to tear
the telephone from the wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or
three hours of spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange
for the evening’s visit.</p>
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image07.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Crude Bridegroom" /> <span class="caption"><i>Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands waiting for the Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and the best of health. Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst possible taste.</i>
<small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>tells all about the correct appearance and
conduct of Bridegrooms</i>.</span></div>
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image08.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Best Man’s Blunder" /> <span class="caption"><i>The Best Man has just been introduced to the Maid of Honor. Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make the acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the room. This
constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of which he could never
again, in polite society, be considered quite a gentleman</i>. <small>PERFECT
BEHAVIOR</small> <i>would have told him how the man of birth and breeding
learns to face anything with perfect “Sang froid.”</i></span></div>
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image09.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Pun “De Rigueur”" /> <span class="caption"><i>The Groom has just presented his Best Man to his sister, who, though she is more than eager to make every one feel at home, has failed to make at once the pun “de rigueur” on the words
“best man.” An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done?
Should one of the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? If so,
which?</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>covers the whole subject of
making the “best man” pun authoritatively.</i></span></div>
<div class="fig"> <ANTIMG src="images/image10.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Young Man Doesn’t Know How to Drink" /> <span class="caption"><i>The young man at the right does not know how to drink. Nevertheless, he has been selected by a friend to act as Best Man at his wedding and has attended the Bachelor Dinner. Instead of doing what he should
do under the circumstances, he is making himself conspicuous by remaining
coherent while the others sing “Mademoiselle from Alabam’.”
Had the Bridegroom provided himself with a copy of</i> <small>PERFECT
BEHAVIOR</small> <i>he would have known better than to have selected
him.</i></span></div>
<h3> MAKING THE FIRST CALL </h3>
<p>The custom of social “calls” between young men and young women is one of
the prettiest of etiquette’s older conventions, and one around which
clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions. In this day and
generation, what with horseless carriages, electric telephones and
telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a great many of the older forms have
been allowed to die out, greatly, I believe, to our discredit. “Speed, not
manners,” seems to be the motto of this century. I hope that there still
exist a few young men who care enough about “good form” to study carefully
to perfect themselves in the art of “calling.” Come, Tom, Dick and Harry—drop
your bicycles for an afternoon and fill your minds with something besides
steam engines and pneumatic tires!</p>
<p>The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an extremely
important social function, and too great care can not be taken that you
prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It would be well to leave your
work an hour or two earlier in the afternoon, so that you can go home and
practice such necessary things as entering or leaving a room correctly.
Most young men are extremely careless in this particular, and unless you
rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are apt to find
later on to your dismay that you have made your exit through a window onto
the fire-escape instead of through the proper door.</p>
<h3> CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES </h3>
<p>Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance. Select
some topic in which you think your lady friend will be interested, such
as, for example, the removal of tonsils and adenoids, and “read up” on the
subject so that you can discuss it in an intelligent manner. Find out, for
example, how many people had tonsils removed in February, March, April.
Contrast this with the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900. Learn two or
three amusing anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett’s “Familiar
Quotations” for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and throat
troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance through four or five
volumes of Dr. Eliot’s Five Foot Shelf, for nothing so completely marks
the cultivated man as the ability to refer familiarly to the various
volumes of the Harvard classics.</p>
<h3> A PROPER CALL </h3>
<p>Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house where the
young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German police dog will
begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a maid will finally come to
the door. Removing your hat and one glove, you say, “Is Miss Doe home?”
The maid replies, “Yass, ay tank so.” You give her your card and the dog
rushes out and bites you on either the right or left leg. You are then
ushered into a room in which is seated an old man with a long white beard.
He is fast asleep. “Dot’s grampaw,” says the maid, to which you reply,
“Oh.” She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a while he opens
his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then says, “Did the dog
bite you?” You answer, “Yes, sir.” Grampaw then says, “He bites
everybody,” and goes back to sleep. Reassured, you light a cigaret. A
little boy and girl then come to the door, and, after examining you
carefully for several minutes, they burst into giggling laughter and run
away. You feel to see if you have forgotten to put on a necktie. A severe
looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and bow. “I am Miss Doe’s
grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here,” she says, and sits down
opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a hint for a cigaret and you
should not make the mistake of saying, “I’ve only got Fatimas, but if you
care to try one—” It should be your aim to seek to impress yourself
favorably upon every member of the young lady’s family. Try to engage the
grandmother in conversation, taking care to select subjects in which you
feel she would be interested. Conversation is largely the art of “playing
up” to the other person’s favorite subject. In this particular case, for
example, it would be a mistake to say to Miss Doe’s grandmother, “Have you
ever tried making synthetic gin?” or “Do you think any one will <i>ever</i> lick
Dempsey?” A more experienced person, and some one who had studied the
hobbies of old people, would probably begin by remarking, “Well, I see
that Jeremiah Smith died of cancer Thursday,” or “That was a lovely burial
they gave Mrs. Watts, wasn’t it?” If you are tactful, you should soon win
the old lady’s favor completely, so that before long she will tell you all
about her rheumatism and what grampaw can and can’t eat.</p>
<p>Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, “Have you been waiting
long? Hilda didn’t tell me you were here,” to which you reply, “No—I
just arrived.” She then says, “Shall we go in the drawing-room?” The
answer to this is, “For God’s sake, yes!” In a few minutes you find
yourself alone in the drawing-room with the lady of your choice and the
courtship proper can then begin.</p>
<p>The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation around to
the subject of the “modern girl.” After your preliminary remarks about
tonsils and adenoids have been thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly
say, “Well I don’t think girls—nice girls—are really that
way.” She replies, of course, “<i>What</i> way?” You answer, “Oh, the way they
are in these modern novels. This ‘petting,’ for instance.” She says, “<i>What</i>
petting’?” You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her. “Oh,” you
say, “these novelists make me sick—they seem to think that in our
generation every time a young man and woman are left alone on a lounge
together, they haven’t a thing better to do than put out the light and
‘pet.’ It’s disgusting, isn’t it?” “Isn’t it?” she agrees and reaching
over she accidentally pulls the lamp cord, which puts out the light.</p>
<p>On your first visit you should not stay after 12:30.</p>
<h3> THE PROPOSAL PROPER </h3>
<p>About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is customary for
the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has been “out” for three or
four years and has several younger sisters coming along, it is customary
for her to accept him. They then become “engaged,” and the courtship is
concluded.</p>
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