<h2><SPAN name="chap48"></SPAN>CHAPTER XLVIII</h2>
<p class="letter">
We repair to the coffee-house, where we overhear a curious dispute between
Wagtail and Medlar, which is referred to our decision—the Doctor gives an
account of his experiment—Medlar is roasted by Banter at the
ordinary—the old gentleman’s advice to me</p>
<p>Being as willing to drop the theme as he was to propose it, I accompanied him
thither, where we found Mr. Medlar and Dr. Wagtail disputing upon the word
Custard, which the physician affirmed should be spelt with a G, observing that
it was derived from the Latin verb gustare, “to taste;” but Medlar
pleaded custom in behalf of C, observing, that, by the Doctor’s rule, we
ought to change pudding into budding, because it is derived from the French
word boudin; and in that case why not retain the original orthography and
pronunciation of all the foreign words we have adopted, by which means our
language would become a dissonant jargon without standard or propriety? The
controversy was referred to us; and Banter, notwithstanding his real opinion to
the contrary, decided it in favour of Wagtail; upon which the peevish annuitant
arose, and uttering the monosyllable pish! with great emphasis, removed to
another table.</p>
<p>We then inquired of the doctor, what progress he had made in the experiment of
distilling tinder-water; and he told us he had been at all the glass-houses
about town, but could find nobody who would undertake to blow a retort large
enough to hold the third part of the quantity prescribed; but he intended to
try the process on as much as would produce five drops, which would be
sufficient to prove the specific, and then he would make it a parliamentary
affair; that he had already purchased a considerable weight of rags, in
reducing which to tinder, he had met with a misfortune, which had obliged him
to change his lodgings; for he had gathered them in a heap on the floor, and
set fire to them with a candle, on the supposition that the boards would
sustain no damage, because it is the nature of flame to ascend; but, by some
very extraordinary accident, the wood was invaded, and began to blaze with
great violence, which disordered him so much, that he had not the presence of
mind enough to call for assistance, and the whole house must have been consumed
with him in the midst of it, had not the smoke that rolled out of the windows
in clouds alarmed the neighbourhood, and brought people to his succour: that he
had lost a pair of black velvet breeches and a tie-wig in the hurry, besides
the expense of the rags, which were rendered useless by the water used to
quench the flame, and the damage of the floor, which he was compelled to
repair; that his landlord, believing him distracted, had insisted on his
quitting his apartment at a minute’s warning, and he was put to
incredible inconvenience; but now he was settled in a very comfortable house,
and had the use of a large paved yard for preparing his tinder; so that he
hoped in a very short time to reap the fruits of his labour.</p>
<p>After having congratulated the doctor on his prospect, and read the papers, we
repaired to an auction of pictures, where we entertained ourselves an hour or
two; from thence we adjourned to the Mall, and, after two or three turns, went
back to dinner, Banter assuring us, that he intended to roast Medlar at the
ordinary; and, indeed, we were no sooner set than this cynic began to execute
his purpose, by telling the old gentleman that he looked extremely well,
considering the little sleep he had enjoyed last night. To this compliment
Medlar made no reply, but by a stare, accompanied with a significant grin; and
Banter went on thus; “I don’t know whether most to admire the
charity of your mind, or the vigour of your body. Upon my soul, Mr. Medlar, you
do generous things with the best taste of any man I know! You extend your
compassion to real objects, and exact only such returns as they are capable of
making. You must know, gentlemen,” said he, turning to the company,
“I had been up most part of the night with a friend who is ill of a
fever, and, on my return home this morning, chanced to pass by a gin shop still
open, whence issued a confused sound of mirth and jollity: upon which, I popped
in my head, and perceived Mr. Medlar dancing bareheaded in the midst of ten or
twenty ragged bunters, who rejoiced at his expense. But indeed, Mr. Medlar, you
should not sacrifice your constitution to your benevolence. Consider, you grow
old apace; and, therefore, have a reverend care of your health, which must
certainly be very much impaired by these nocturnal expeditions.” The
testy senior could no longer contain himself, but cried hastily,
“’Tis well known that your tongue is no slanderer.” “I
think,” said the other, “you might spare that observation, as you
are very sensible, that my tongue has done you signal service on many
occasions. You may remember, that, when you made your addresses to the fat
widow who kept a public-house at Islington, there was a report spread very much
to the prejudice of your manhood, which coming to the ears of your mistress,
you were discarded immediately: and I brought matters to a reconciliation, by
assuring her you had three bastards at nurse in the country. How you ruined
your own affair afterwards, it is neither my business nor inclination to
relate.”</p>
<p>This anecdote, which had no other foundation than in Banter’s own
invention, afforded a good deal of mirth to everybody present, and provoked Mr.
Medlar beyond all sufferance; so that he started up in a mighty passion, and,
forgetting that his mouth was full, bespattered those who sat next to him,
while he discharged his indignation in a volley of oaths, and called Banter
insignificant puppy, impertinent jackanapes, and a hundred such appellations;
telling the company he had invented these false and malicious aspersions,
because he would not lend him money to squander away upon rooks and whores.
“A very likely story,” said Banter, “that I should attempt to
borrow money of a man who is obliged to practise a thousand shifts to make his
weekly allowance hold out till Saturday night. Sometimes he sleeps
four-and-twenty hours at a stretch, by which means he saves three meals,
besides coffee-house expense. Sometimes he is fain to put up with bread and
cheese and small beer for dinner; and sometimes he regales on twopennyworth of
ox cheek in a cellar.” “You are a lying miscreant!” cried
Medlar, in an ecstacy of rage; “I can always command money enough to pay
your tailor’s bill, which I am sure is no trifle; and I have a good mind
to give you a convincing proof of my circumstances, by prosecuting you for
defamation, sirrah.” By this time the violence of his wrath had deprived
him of his appetite, and he sat silent, unable to swallow one mouthful, while
his tormentor enjoyed his mortification, and increased his chagrin, by advising
him to lay in plentifully for his next day’s fast.</p>
<p>Dinner being ended, we came down stairs to the coffee room, and Banter went
away to keep an appointment, saying, he supposed he should see Wagtail and me
in the evening at the Bedford Coffee-house. He was no sooner gone than the old
gentleman took me aside, and said, he was sorry to see me so intimate with that
fellow, who was one of the most graceless rakes about town, and had already
wasted a good estate and constitution upon harlots; that he had been the ruin
of many a young man, by introducing them into debauched company, and setting a
lewd example of all manner of wickedness; and that, unless I were on my guard,
he would strip me in a short time both of my money and reputation. I thanked
him for his information, and promised to conduct myself accordingly, wishing,
however, his caution had been a few hours more early, by which means I might
have saved five guineas. Notwithstanding this intelligence, I was inclinable to
impute some part of the charge to Medlar’s revenge for the liberties
taken with him at dinner; and therefore, as soon as I could disengage myself,
applied to Wagtail for his opinion of the character in question, resolved to
compare their accounts, allowing for the prejudice of each, and to form my
judgment upon both, without adhering strictly to either. The doctor assured me,
that he was a very pretty gentleman of family and fortune; a scholar, a wit, a
critic, and perfectly well acquainted with the town; that his honour and
courage were unquestionable, though some extravagances he had been guilty of,
and his talents for satire had procured him enemies, and made some people shy
of his acquaintance. From these different sketches, I concluded that Banter was
a young fellow of some parts, who had spent his fortune, but retained his
appetites, and fallen out with the world, because he could not enjoy it to his
wish.</p>
<p>I went to the Bedford Coffee-house in the evening, where I met my friends, from
thence proceeded to the play, and afterwards carried them home to my lodgings,
where we supped in great good humour.</p>
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