<h2><SPAN name="chap12"></SPAN>CHAPTER XII</h2>
<p class="letter">
Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the Combat—an Affair
between the Captain and me—the Usurer is fain to give Miss Jenny five
Guineas for a Release—we are in Danger of losing a Meal—the
Behaviour of Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on that Occasion—an Account of
Captain Weazel and his Lady—the Captain’s Courage
tried—Isaac’s mirth at the Captain’s Expense</p>
<p>Next morning I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings for my
passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to take my place when I
should be disposed to walk. At the same time I desired him to appease the
incensed captain, who had entered the kitchen with a drawn sword in his hand,
and threatened with many oaths to sacrifice the villain who attempted to
violate his bed; but it was to no purpose for the master to explain the
mistake, and assure him of the poor lad’s innocence, who stood trembling
behind me all the while: the more submission that appeared in Strap, the more
implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, who swore he must either fight him
or he would instantly put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this
insolence, and told him, it could not be supposed that a poor barber lad would
engage a man of the sword at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he would
wrestle or box with him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave assent, by
saying, “he would box with him for a guinea.” Weazel replied with a
look of disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his character to fight
like a porter, or even to put himself on a footing, in any respect, with such a
fellow as Strap. “Odds bodikins!” cries Joey, “sure, coptain,
yaw would not commit moorder! Here’s a poor lad that is willing to make
atonement for his offence; and an that woan’t satisfie yaw, offers to
fight yaw fairly. And yaw woan’t box, I dare say, he will coodgel with
yaw. Woan’t yaw, my lad?” Strap, after some hesitation, answered,
“Yes, yes, I’ll cudgel with him.” But this expedient being
also rejected by the captain, I began to smell his character, and, tipping
Strap the wink, told the captain that I had always heard it said, the person
who receives a challenge should have the choice of the weapons; this therefore
being the rule in point of honour, I would venture to promise on the head of my
companion, that he would even fight Captain Weazel at sharps; but it should be
with such sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely, razors. At my
mentioning razors: I could perceive the captain’s colour change while
Strap, pulling me by the sleeve, whispered with great eagerness: “No, no,
no; for the love of God, don’t make any such bargain.” At length,
Weazel, recovering himself, turned towards me, and with a ferocious countenance
asked, “Who the devil are you? Will you fight me?” With these
words, putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at seeing the
point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and, springing to one side,
snatched up a spit that stood in the chimney-corner, with which I kept my
formidable adversary at bay, who made a great many half-longes, skipping
backward at every push, till at last I pinned him up in a corner, to the no
small diversion of the company. While he was in this situation his wife
entered, and, seeing her husband in these dangerous circumstances, uttered a
dreadful scream: in this emergency, Weazel demanded a cessation, which was
immediately granted; and at last was contented with the submission of Strap,
who, falling on his knees before him, protested the innocence of his intention,
and asked pardon for the mistake he had committed. This affair being ended
without bloodshed, we went to breakfast, but missed two of our company, namely,
Miss Jenny and the usurer. As for the first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that she
had kept her awake all night with her groans; and that when she rose in the
morning, Miss Jenny was so much indisposed that she could not proceed on her
journey. At that instant, a message came from her to the master of the waggon,
who immediately went into her chamber, followed by us all. She told him in a
lamentable tone, that she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to the fright she
received last night from the brutality of Isaac; and, as the event was
uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to answer for the consequence.
Accordingly, this ancient Tarquin was found in the waggon, whither he had
retired to avoid the shame of last night’s disgrace, and brought by force
into her presence. He no sooner appeared than she began to weep and sigh most
piteously, and told us, if she died, she would leave her blood upon the head of
that ravisher. Poor Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that
God would deliver him from the machinations of that Jezebel; and assured us,
with tears in his eyes, that his being found in bed with her was the result of
her own invitation. The waggoner, understanding the case, advised Isaac to make
it up, by giving her a sum of money: to which advice he replied with great
vehemence, “A sum of money!—a halter for the cockatrice!”
“Oh! ’tis very well,” said Miss Jenny; “I see it is in
vain to attempt that flinty heart of his by fair means. Joey, be so good as to
go to the justice, and tell him there is a sick person here, who wants to see
him on an affair of consequence.” At the name of justice Isaac trembled,
and bidding Joey stay, asked with a quavering voice, “What she would
have? She told him that, as he had not perpetrated his wicked purpose, she
would be satisfied with a small matter. And though the damage she might sustain
in her health might be irreparable, she would give him a release for a hundred
guineas.” “A hundred guineas!” cried he in an ecstacy,
“a hundred furies! Where should a poor old wretch like me have a hundred
guineas? If I had so much money, d’ya think I should be found travelling
in a waggon, at this season of the year?” “Come, come,”
replied Jenny, “none of your miserly artifice here. You think I
don’t know Isaac Rapine, the money-broker, in the Minories. Ah! you old
rogue! many a pawn have you had of me and my acquaintance, which was never
redeemed.” Isaac, finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered
twenty shillings for a discharge, which she absolutely refused under fifty
pounds: at last, however, she was brought down to five, which he paid with
great reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape. After which
accommodation, the sick person made a shift to get into the waggon, and we set
forward in great tranquillity; Strap being accommodated with Joey’s
horse, the driver himself choosing to walk. The morning and forenoon we were
entertained with an account of the valour of Captain Weazel, who told us he had
once knocked down a soldier that made game of him; tweaked a drawer by the
nose, who found fault with his picking his teeth with a fork, at another time;
and that he had moreover challenged a cheesemonger, who had the presumption to
be his rival: for the truth of which exploits he appealed to his wife. She
confirmed whatever he said, and observed, “The last affair happened that
very day on which I received a love-letter from Squire Gobble, and don’t
you remember, my dear, I was prodigiously sick that very night with eating
ortolans, when my Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion’s being
altered, and my lady was so alarmed that she had well nigh fainted?”
“Yes, my dear,” replied the captain, “you know my lord said
to me, with a sneer, ‘Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding.’
And I answered cavalierly, ‘My lord, I wish I could return the
compliment.’ Upon which the whole company broke out into an immoderate
fit of laughter; and my lord, who loves a repartee dearly, came round and
bussed me.” We travelled in this manner five days, without interruption
or meeting anything worth notice: Miss Jenny, who soon recovered her spirits,
entertaining us every day with diverting songs, of which she could sing a great
number; and rallying her own gallant, who, notwithstanding, would never be
reconciled to her. On the sixth day, while we were about to sit down to dinner,
the innkeeper came and told us, that three gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered
the victuals to be carried to their apartment, although he had informed them
that they were bespoke by the passengers in the waggon. To which information
they had replied, “the passengers in the waggon might be d—d, their
betters must be served before them; they supposed it would be no hardship on
such travellers to dine upon bread and cheese for one day.” This was a
terrible disappointment to us all; and we laid our heads together how to remedy
it; when Miss Jenny observed that Captain Weazel, being by profession a
soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from being insulted. But
the Captain excused himself, saying, he would not for all the world be known to
have travelled in a waggon! swearing at the same time, that could he appear
with honour, they should eat his sword sooner than his provision. Upon this
declaration, Miss Jenny, snatching his weapon, drew it, and ran immediately
into the kitchen, where she threatened to put the cook to death if he did not
send the victuals into our chamber immediately. The noise she made brought the
three strangers down, one of whom no sooner perceived her than he cried,
“Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?” “My
dear Jack Rattle!” replied she, running into his arms, “is it you?
Then Weazel may go to hell for a dinner—I shall dine with you.”</p>
<p>They consented to this proposal with a great deal of joy; and we were on the
point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey, understanding
the whole affair, entered the kitchen with a pitchfork in his hand, and swore
he would be the death of any man who should pretend to seize the victuals
prepared for the waggon. The menace had like to have produced fatal
consequences; the three strangers drawing their swords, and being joined by
their servants, and we ranging ourselves on the side of Joey; when the
landlord, interposing, offered to part with his own dinner to keep the peace,
which was accepted by the strangers; and we sat down at table without any
further molestation. In the afternoon, I chose to walk along with Joey, and
Strap took my place. Having entered into a conversation with this driver, I
soon found him to be a merry, facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very
arch; he informed me, that Miss Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who,
falling into company with a recruiting officer, he carried her down in the
stage coach from London to Newcastle, where he had been arrested for debt, and
was now in prison; upon which she was fain to return to her former way of life,
by this conveyance. He told me likewise, that one of the gentleman’s
servants, who were left at the inn, having accidentally seen Weazel,
immediately knew him, and acquainted Joey with some particulars of his
character. That he had served my Lord Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre
many years, while he lived separate from his lady; but, upon their
reconciliation, she expressly insisted upon Weazel’s being turned off, as
well as the woman he kept: when his lordship, to get rid of them both with a
good grace, proposed that he should marry his Mistress, and he would procure a
commission for him in the army: this expedient was agreed to, and Weazel is
now, by his lordship’s interest, ensigned in —’s regiment. I
found he and I had the same sentiments with regard to Weazel’s courage,
which he resolved to put to the trial, by alarming the passengers with the cry
of a ‘highwayman!’ as soon as a horseman should appear.</p>
<p>This scheme we put in practice, towards the dusk, when we descried a man on
horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the people in the
waggon, that he was afraid we should be all robbed than a general consternation
arose: Strap jumped out of the waggon, and hid himself behind a hedge. The
usurer put forth ejaculations, and made a rustling among the straw, which made
us conjecture he had hid something under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands
uttered lamentable cries: and the captain, to our great amazement, began to
snore; but this artifice did not succeed; for Miss Jenny, shaking him by the
shoulder, bawled out, “Sdeath! captain, is this a time to snore, when we
are going to be robbed? Get up for shame, and behave like a soldier and man of
honour!” Weazel pretended to be in a great passion for being disturbed,
and swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England surrounded
him. “D—n my blood! what are you afraid of?” continued he; at
the same time trembling with such agitation that the whole carriage shook. This
singular piece of behaviour incensed Miss Ramper so much that she cried,
“D—n your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon, as ever was
drummed out of a regiment. Stop the waggon, Joey—let me out, and by
G—d, if I have rhetoric enough, the thief shall not only take your purse,
but your skin also.” So saying she leaped out with great agility. By this
time the horseman came up and happened to be a gentleman’s servant well
known to Joey, who communicated the scheme, and desired him to carry it on a
little further, by going into the waggon, and questioning those within. The
stranger, consenting for the sake of diversion, approached it, and in a
terrible tone demanded, “Who have we got here?” Isaac replied, with
a lamentable voice, “Here’s a poor miserable sinner, who has got a
small family to maintain, and nothing in the world wherewithal, but these
fifteen shillings which if you rob me of we must all starve together.”
“Who’s that sobbing in the other corner?” said the supposed
highwayman. “A poor unfortunate woman,” answered Mrs. Weazle,
“upon whom I beg you, for Christ’s sake, to have compassion.”
“Are you maid or wife,” said he. “Wife, to my sorrow,”
said she. “Who, or where is your husband?” continued he. “My
husband,” replied Mrs. Weazel, “is an officer in the army and was
left sick at the last inn where we dined.” “You must be mistaken,
madam,” said he, “for I myself saw him get into the waggon this
afternoon. But pray what smell is that? Sure your lapdog has befouled himself;
let me catch hold of the nasty cur, I’ll teach him better manners.”
Here he laid hold of one of Weazel’s legs, and pulled him out from under
his wife’s petticoat, where he had concealed himself. The poor trembling
captain, being detected in his inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes, and
affecting to wake out of sleep, cried, “What’s the matter?
What’s the matter?” “The matter is not much,” answered
the horseman; “I only called in to inquire after your health, and so
adieu, most noble captain.” He clapped spurs to his horse, and was out of
sight in a moment.</p>
<p>It was some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at length
reassuming the big look, he said, “D—n the fellow! why did he ride
away before I had time to ask him how his lord and lady do? Don’t you
remember Tom, my dear?” addressing himself to his wife.
“Yes,” replied she, “I think I do remember something of the
fellow, but you know I seldom converse with people of his station.”
“Hey-day!” cried Joey, “do yaw knaw the young mon,
coptain?” “Know him,” said Weazel, “many a time has he
filled a glass of Burgundy for me, at my Lord Trippett’s table.”
“And what may his name be, coptain?” said Joey. “His
name!—his name,” replied Weazel, “is Tom Rinser.”
“Waunds,” cried Joey, “a has changed his own neame then! for
I’se lay a wager he was christened John Trotter.” This observation
raised a laugh against the captain, who seemed very much disconcerted; when
Isaac broke silence, and said, “It is no matter who or what he was, since
he has not proved the robber we suspected, and we ought to bless God for our
narrow escape.” “Bless God,” said Weazel, “bless the
devil! for what? Had he been a highwayman, I should have eaten his blood, body,
and guts, before he had robbed me, or any one in this diligence.”
“Ha, ha, ha,” cried Miss Jenny, “I believe you will eat all
you kill, indeed, captain.” The usurer was so well pleased at the event
of this adventure, that he could not refrain from being severe, and took notice
that Captain Weazel seemed to be a good Christian, for he had armed himself
with patience and resignation, instead of carnal weapons; and worked out his
salvation with fear and trembling. This piece of satire occasioned a great deal
of mirth at Weazel’s expense, who muttered a great many oaths, and
threatened to cut Isaac’s throat. The usurer, taking hold of this menace,
said, “Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness, that my life is
in danger from this bloody-minded officer; I’ll have him bound over to
the peace.” This second sneer produced another laugh against him, and he
remained crestfallen during the remaining part of our journey.</p>
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